Boy am I long winded .. My testimony - Part 3

Of course, after spilling your guts in cyberspace you tend to rethink things … well at least I do, but then again I do that often – rethink things, overthink things, think things to death … that’s me.

And so, I was trying to figure out when religion really became important to me. When I gave it more thought, deemed it more important.

Like many, I think that life changed a lot - regarding family, health and religion - with the birth of my first child (DD). Obviously a life altering experience for most women, I was no exception there. And I am sure that I was not the exception when it came to wanting to know more …

More about myself, more about my family and more about God…normal average stuff, right? I wish I could say that it spurred me to move forward and find my faith. I sooo wish it had. But mostly I just thought about it all more, and knew even less what to do about it.

While pregnant with my second child (DD2), I knew that I really needed to make some life changes, and I absolutely knew that it needed to start with God. I didn't know where to go and I certainly wasn't going to talk about it - that would have violated the my life is mostly perfect mantra that I was busy chanting.

I am not sure what prompted my first trip to, what would later become, the big box church, but I made the visit - heavily pregnant with DD2 - with DD and my (now former) husband in tow. I remember vividly sitting in the hot building, listening to the booming music - music - certainly not like any church music I had heard before - and a Pastor with a message that instantly brought me to tears.

I recall being excited that it wasn't stuffy; that NFH didn't seem to mind the music or the message ... it seemed like a cool place. We kept going, for a while. And then I tried to keep going when we didn't go.

But, I stopped going - for multiple reasons ... because we weren't going, because no one really seemed to notice us, because they talked about money a lot (in an uncomfortable - to me- sort of way), and finally because I was told that I needed to take DD2 to the family room because she was too noisy ... I didn't want to go to church, but not be at church - sorta took away from the whole thing for me.

Then my life really started to unravel ...

and so I leave you with this; “You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.”- Psalm 86:5

Nettie

My testimony - Part 2

Right ... so back on the saddle again ...

Religion, faith, fellowship, God ... things that I grew up with out.

I would like to think it wasn’t planned that way … that my parents just didn’t know how to bring religion into our home, in a positive manner, so instead they just omitted it altogether.

That’s what I would like to think … I don’t know really, because it was not something we spoke about – ever.

I remember feeling like I had to sneak church. Isn’t that funny? Again, I doubt that this was their intention, but that is how I interpreted it. I laugh now, because I recall saying things like we're going skating or to the movies, or over to so-and-so's house to play, but instead I went to church outings. Not that it happened a lot, I am sure it was only a few times ... but they are vivid memories, none the less.

While I'm at it, I should say this; it isn't like I spent all or even most of my time in search of organized religion or a church family ... not the case. I was an average kid, in an average home, surrounded by other average homes and families ... most of them didn't go to church. Most people I knew didn't go to church.

The thing was when I saw glimpses of a churchy family, I wanted to know more. But I was a normal, average kid and since it wasn't exactly encouraged, my curiosity didn't usually last long or provide any meaningful answers.

Ironically, I think if I had been some sort of hell-raiser, I would have been more likely to end up under someone's wing ... maybe, maybe not ... anyway, I was just average - which isn't a bad thing.

Ok, I just had to say that ... because I don't know what my parents take was on the whole deal ... I just know that I never felt like it was something that we, as a family, would do.

Like I said before, I am a rambler ... sorry.

When I was a little older, I joined Rainbow for Girls (the International Order of the ...) - now you would think, considering the organizations mission, I would have found religion, God or whatever it was that I was searching for ...

What is Rainbow?
Rainbow is a non-profit, service-oriented organization that teaches girls three basic virtues: Faith in a Supreme Being and other people, having Hope in all that they do, and Charity toward others.

Even as I just looked at the website, I can't help but think that I missed the boat somewhere ... maybe I wasn't paying attention? Maybe I didn't do it right?

But I had to have paid some attention, I mean I made it all the way to Worthy Advisor, which I know required a fair amount of memorization of key verses ... I know that I got my first Bible* when I became Worthy Advisor at 16. I remember having fun ... and although I see it speaks of Religious Traditions, I don't remember talking about God or church ... much.

Maybe I wasn't average ... maybe I was dim ...

Now I am confused ... not what I intended as I started this post, or even this blog really. I guess you will learn about me, as I learn about me. I intended this to be about my Faith Journey ... but I guess that all of this is what got me here ...

Movin' on.

So, I went to Rainbow, more or less regularly from 12-20. I'll just say that it likely kept me out of more trouble than I would have gotten into if I had not attended – whew that was a mouthful.

I moved out of my house young. Too young. I worked hard, which I think became my religion - you know, the almighty dollar. Also ... I just had to survive, to prove that I could.

Here and there I would try a new church, but I just never found a place that stuck with me. I can blame it on a lot of things - things similar to my parent's experiences ... I had a lot of friends that partied hard all week, went to church on Sunday to repent ... and them back to the partying, adultery and such on Monday ...

The more professional I became, the more I noticed the same tendencies in the most successful people around me. They proclaimed one thing - a love of God, a belief in His word - but generally did something else entirely; lie, cheat, steal, curse, abuse their power, sexually harass others ... you know, all of the normal - acceptable stuff in the business world.

I had mostly forgotten about my personal quest for religion - there was the occasional flicker, but it didn't burn long.

I met a really great friend when I was about 21-22, a first-rate business person, an incredible mentor and a firm believer to boot. I had such a desire for that faith ... I guess I coveted his faith ... I wanted to be around him so that it just might, by chance, rub off on me and make me the kind of believer that he was ...

Bits and pieces ... I got some of his faith in bits and pieces, but I guess I wasn't ready yet, because I continued to make the same mistakes over and over again. Nothing too terrible mind you, but mistakes I pray my children won't have to repeat.

... well, I have to close now ... I have a toddler that needs my attention -
Stick with me, it get's better I promise.

Nettie



“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”- Mark 9:35

* A small white New Testament with my name embossed on the cover - I still have it ... but I didn't realize it was actually for reading, I was told to keep it in the box for safekeeping, which I did.

My testimony - Part 1

In the years before giving my life to Christ, my life was filled with turmoil, conflict and a deep depression. I was constantly trying to “find” my place – at work, home, in my marriage, in my parenting, in a church – I was not succeeding at any of them. In fact, I felt as if I was losing everything, including my mind.

I had everything to be thankful for, but something was missing. I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness, even in a crowded room.

I spent the eight or nine years (off and on) attending a big box church in my area. I tried to sign up for different events, small groups, etc. but never got connected. I never even received a call about small groups; I never experienced a feeling of belonging.

About two years ago, I found myself searching for what I call the feeling; you know the one, right? The one that people talk about when they know that Christ is on their side ... when they are surrounded by His love and secure in their place in His Kingdom. A solid feeling, a connection point, an unconditional acceptance ... yea, I was searching for that feeling.

For years, I think I was longing for a relationship with Christ; I said I was a believer, a Christian, a lover of God ... but I wasn't following and I most certainly did not know Him.

Perhaps I should back up a little ...

I didn't grow up knowing about God ... sure, I got the basics here and there, but not in my home. Because of the way that my parents we raised - hypocritical hell-fire and brimstone, damned if you, damned if you don’t, go to church on Sunday – repent and return to sinning on Monday … you get the point (there’s more to that story, but it isn’t mine to tell – it just affected my *religious* upbringing, or lack there of …) -

I am a rambler ... so I will just apologize up front - but this is my story and I think I need to tell it ...

-- and so ... because of the way they were raised, my parents did not want to inflict religion on their children. They didn’t want to force us into something that we might not believe in … so, as a family, we did nothing. No church, no Bible, no prayer … nothing. We never talked about God.

I had friends who went to church, and I would occasionally tag along ... I went to just about every denomination out there ... Lutheran, Catholic, LDS/Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness
Reformed, Presbyterian ... just to name a few :O)

I seem to recall attending Awana a few times; I couldn't tell you who took me, but I can say that I distinctly recall not understanding the verses and such -- since I didn't actually have a Bible for explanation, I am sure it was not easy … I also recall that it was in a gym and was quite chaotic ... and that I just didn’t fit in … Oops, there I go rambling again ...

So, you can see, my early religious experiences were few and far between ... not meaningful or even exceedingly memorable. I was a kid who fell through the cracks ... in more ways than one.


... Nettie


Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have something to say.

At least that is what my husband said.

My husband is not what you would call ... computer savvy. So I was surprised when he asked me a few weeks ago, if I had a blog. Normally he stumbles with the technical terms associated with computers, and especially the internet ... so I was stunned that he knew what a blog was.

When I responded that I did not have a blog, but did enjoy reading them, he surprised me once again. He said 'you have something to say; something of importance. Something that could help others if you could reach them.'

Wow. Quite a statement ... from a guy who thinks people spend too much time on the computer - myself included. And what a vote of confidence ... for him to think that I might be able to influence people from my kitchen table ...

So, here I am. It took me some time. I needed to understand what it is I have to offer … in writing. In person, it’s a bit easier; I nurturer and encourage others easily, I readily offer up some good food to those in need, I can provide respite for a mom on the edge. All pretty tangible things.

But writing, that’s a different story … I am not a writer, at least not in my mind. I am not really a talker either ... and actually I am not a good sharer ... at least not when it comes to my life and feelings.

So you can see why I needed to understand where this was going.

In addition to that, and more importantly, I had to know what God would like me to say. That is tricky stuff for me. You see, I fairly new to this whole Christianity thing; I have gone through life believing in Jesus, but only recently (July 17, 2005) began my relationship with Him. I have been dubbed a baby Christian, a new believer, or Beginner Christian … all fairly appropriate titles.

Hence, I am still learning to include God in my decision making process … admittedly, I have not yet mastered that skill – not even close! I do, however, find myself surrounded by people who have and I marvel in their contentment, their peace when a decision or choice is arrived at.

And there you have it … my forum.

My journey of falling in love and remaining in love with Jesus, including Him in my daily thoughts, decisions, choices, activities … my feeble attempts to incorporate Him in everything I do … my edification in the Word … my desire to be as forgiving as I have been forgiven … my knowledge that simply accepting Christ does not equal a simple life.

I have no doubt that there are others who believed that once they accepted Christ it was going to be smooth sailing, happy times ... sunshine and rainbows, I like to say ... yea, um not so much. The tough stuff is still there, the challenges don't go away, and bad things still happen - the difference is ... now, you are not in it alone.

Say it with me: I AM NOT ALONE. Whew, isn't that a terrific thing.

But, I forget that sometimes, we all do. I slip back into old patterns, I hang on to deep-rooted hurts and doubts like a tattered blanket ... this causes me to doubt my value to Jesus, how could He possibly love a failure like me?

Well, I could go on and on … I guess I have no trouble writing … whether it is interesting is up to you.

It has been an interesting journey thus far … I have no doubt that it will continue to be a rocky road … come on along, if you like.

Most Sincerely,

Nettie