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Monday, February 26, 2007

My heart is in the right place.

I just wish that I could get the rest of me caught up.

I want to write (post) ... there are many things each day that I think oh ... I could write about this or that would make an interesting topic ... but then at the end of the day I am just too wiped out to do it.

Last week was an OK week. Just as busy as the week before. I managed to pray with DD2, but didn't manage to keep up on the scripture end of things. I could feel it too ... as if we were lacking something each day .. as if we were struggling because we didn't start the day out right. Funny, I didn't attribute it to that, but I realize (now) that we were calmer when we started each day with scripture ... less hectic. Definitely going to make a better effort this week.

Had to take NB2 to the Dr. last week. So traumatic. Her iron is low and so they had to draw blood. Let me tell you ... there wasn't a dry eye in the place. She fought good and hard - ultimately they got what they needed but it really took the wind out of her sails. She forgot for a while, after she slept, only to be reminded when she saw the band aid again. Ugh. That part of parenting ... yea, I could do without it.

It snowed yesterday. Yikes. Almost March and SNOW... so done with it! It didn't stay, thank goodness.

NB1 went to play with a friend after church today, so it was just NB2 and I ... as hard as it is for me, I decided to just sit still and watch a movie with her. Those times are so few and far between, just to the two of us ... and well, her wanting to sit with me. I know that part will not last much longer. I held her tightly in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder, her hair tickling my chin - I just breathed her in ... you know what I mean. Just smelling her littleness, her innocence ... the goodness of her. I am already missing that feeling.

When I took her (NB2) to the Dr. this week, they said that I should start to cut back her milk intake ... (2% in a cup - not breast milk, she has been weaned there for quite some time ...) and although I know it is custom, I want to know why? She likes milk. She drinks quite a bit, but less than she did 6 months ago ... and that was less than the 6 months prior to that. Why should I make her give up something that gives her comfort? She doesn't drink it in a bottle. She doesn't have it in the middle of the night (anymore) ... she eats a good, balanced diet. She isn't overweight - or underweight ...

I guess I am feeling like everyone is in a hurry for our babies to grow up and be like everyone else ... whatever that means. And I want my baby to be a baby - until she isn't a baby anymore.

Well, long ramble there .... I am probably hormonal today ... or something :O)

Hope your Monday is good.

Nettie


“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”- 1 John 4:9

Sunday, February 18, 2007

What a week.

I didn't intend to take such a long break. It's not like I didn't have a ton to write about ... I did!
But I have found that to blog seriously, takes time and effort. I guess this is sort of like a diary of my soul, but I don't want all my *stuff* to just ooze off onto the page. I'd like for it to make a little bit of sense.

I continued to pray with DD2 this week. Some days we did better than others. I also tried to read some scripture with her each morning ... well with her isn't exactly truthful - more like to her ... she sits and eats her Cheerio's/Life/Bagel/Toast/Whatever she has for breakfast, and I read.

At the beginning of the year our Pastor gave us a Bible reading schedule to follow for the year. There's a handy little check off sheet and in theory you should be able to get through the Bible in a year.

Yea, not in my house. There are generally 4 chapters to read a day and although that doesn't sound like a lot, it is when you have to pay attention to what you are reading. So, I am doing what I can.

February has us reading Leviticus (not exactly good breakfast reading) and Acts. And I am reading them as I am able ... but I keep being drawn to Psalms.

Psalms 34 to be exact. I know that I said it last week, but I am telling you this Psalm just keep coming back to me - over and over and over. In fact, when I randomly open my Bible, I swear it goes directly to this passage ... now I know enough to know that God is trying to tell me something .. I just need to listen more intently!

OK, so there is that ...

On to the week.

We started an Alpha Course last Sunday and since I have volunteered to help in the kitchen, the girls and I were there with bells on. But not before NB2 threw up in the car on the way to the church. Bleck! Thanks goodness that Hubby was going to be picking her up anyway, so he met us in the parking lot and took her pukey self home.

Tuesday night was Bible study night ... but before that DD2 had her first official horse riding lesson. She had so much fun - and she actually got to ride, which we didn't anticipate ...

Wednesday was a Valentines Dinner at church. The youth put on the dinner and they did such an amazing job. We truly have some of the greatest kids in our congregation. They are raising money to go to a conference in California and a mission trip to Mexico. They needed to raise $9,000 - and they did. Not just with this dinner - but through car washes, bake sales, chili's feeds ... these kids absolutely pull together and get it done.

And they are talented too. Musically, artistically, dramatically. It just cool stuff to watch them in action - I couldn't help but think if I had met just one kid like any of these kids, when I was their age ... well my life would have certainly turned out differently.

They are on fire for Jesus and there is just no other way to put it. I am so grateful that Christ led me to the church ... I know it is going to do wonders for my kids as they grow older ...

Let's see ... Thursday was get the house clean and back in working order day. I did and it was ... until yesterday :O)

Friday I cooked more or less the entire day. I made treats to take to the Women's retreat rehearsal on Saturday - which didn't actually happen, but that is an entirely different story.

Then I started on the Italian Layered Meatloaf that I made for the auction winners (I'll fill you in on that later).

Saturday ... hmmmm .... more cooking. I went to deliver the treats to the church - only to discover that the date they needed them was actually next month ... ah well. So, we went home to put together the meatloaves ... and then delivered them last night.

Whew. It was a week I'm tellin' you! There was more, I know ... but my brain is a little hazy right now and I am going back to church in a couple of hours for Alpha - so I think I am going to take a cat nap :O)

Nettie


For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- Romans 8:38-39

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Back on the saddle. My testimony - Part 4.

Things have been quite hectic here ... really that is not new or different in any way, it just means that I am not as good at multitasking with this blog thing as I thought I could be ...

and so, we left off here:

Then my life really started to unravel ...

I guess I can start by saying – again – I have been an average gal. So, like the average couple … that starts dating and living together too young and has children without really talking about what that means … NFH and I just couldn’t keep it together.

We tried. We sought counseling, we had many (many, many, many) heart to heart talks about where we were failing as a couple. But ultimately, we had different ideas about life and an inability to work together on the future.

Sadness. Relief. Fear. Confusion. Nervous excitement. Release. Deep grief. Panic.
Those are just a few of the feelings that ran through my brain. That life was all I had ever really known. How do you move on from there?

As much as I knew it was the right thing, it was so hard to let go of that past … the familiar. There is a saying; it is better to dance with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. My take - it is a lot easier to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable than it is to move on to the unknown uncomfortableness …

So there I was; a single mom, two kids, a career gal, living in a tiny apartment ... trying to figure out what I would do with the rest of my life.

Wouldn’t this have been the perfect time to delve more deeply into my quest for God, religion, and the feeling I had been searching for? Absolutely. Did I? Not so much. The kids and I continued to attend church sporadically, trying to get connected, but never really doing so.
I won’t make this a long story, this part is too much about other people (not the story I want to tell here), so I will just fast forward to … I met my current husband, we got married, I got a new (better) job, we bought a house, I felt closer to my children – felt like a much better wife/mother/friend/person.

Hubby and I agreed that religion was an important aspect for the children – and us. He though, was raised similarly to my parents and was a little gun shy at actually getting involved … but he did to a certain extent.

We test drove a few local churches, but ultimately ended up back at the big box church. We settled in there, contributed our money, attended various meetings, but still didn’t get connected.

Enter a new baby.

It was almost like an instant replay ... someone, seemingly concerned, let me know that there was a family room that new baby and I could sit in and enjoy the message via shoddy microphone and tiny television screen. Now new baby was not making any noise, she was much quieter than DD2 and really mostly slept throughout the service. But I was told multiple times, throughout the same service, about the family room. I am sure that the thought was; this was for my comfort - but I didn't feel comforted, I felt banished.

My question then, and now, how do I teach my children to behave in church (or even public) if I don’t let them go to church?

Hubby was a little turned off by this as well, but we kept going.

For a while. Off and on.

Enter new baby 2.

Something about having babies makes you think more about the future.

And then issues with DD1 started and we knew that we must attend church – regularly. Our blended family needed this.

And so we did. We took the kids to the church. They went off to their fun classes and Hubby and I sat in the family room, trying to get the message.

This leads me back to My Testimony - Part 1 ... before I decided I should back up and give you some history ... so here goes; this is the testimony (give or take a few details, names, etc.) that I shared with my church when I became baptized:

Following many events that lead DD1 to go live with her father, a mother of one of my daughter’s friends asked me if I would like to join a woman’s Bible study group. This was an extremely emotional time in my life and her call came just in time.

I started going to this woman’s group and felt so out of place, these were woman who clearly knew the Bible, knew the Lord and had personal relationships with Him. From the outside, the all seemed so together – it didn’t take long for them to dispel that myth!

I began to feel at home with them and looked forward to my Bible study nights. However, I continued to search for the feeling, I wanted what they had - it just wasn’t coming, I prayed with my new friends, I gained some understanding of the Bible, but I was just not feeling it.

During this time, my relationship with DD1 deteriorated, we didn’t speak to one another for a few months; life at home grew worse as my depression grew worse and worse. I was in such constant inner turmoil that my job became affected as well.

Shortly thereafter my depression was so deep that it was determined that I could no longer work (by me, my counselor and my husband - and to the releif of my employer, I am sure). I quit my job and began staying at home with my children. I thought this would help, it didn’t! Things got worse, I could hardly leave the house, I cried all the time, and I had many thoughts of suicide. As my depression and anxiety grew, my Dr. prescribed a number of medications.

Then one morning I decided to attend the church that I had heard about; it was closer to my home and smaller than BBC. When I walked into the small church, I was immediately welcomed by so many people; I wasn’t sure how to take it all!

There were a couple of friends there, astonished to see me! And after the service hubby and I were introduced to many (many!) people – they really seemed to care that we were there and that others met us. I left feeling like this was the kind of church I would like to attend if I was “together “enough.

Though it was my intention, I didn’t return to TSC the next few weeks, DD2 just did not want to consider going to a church other than BBC. I asked the ladies in my woman’s group to pray for guidance and I know they did!

Because God stepped in.

On July 3rd, I lost my purse – through out the day I had taken all of the important things out of my purse – my keys, my wallet, my cell phone – so the only thing left in my purse was all of my medication for depression and anxiety. All of it! I never carried it all with me and don’t know why I had it all that day.

Since I was no longer employed and had no medical insurance, I could not refill my prescriptions. I just had to tough it out. I was a BASKET case! I had the shakes, I felt like my skin was crawling and I literally bit a whole in my lip trying to hold my tongue in dealing with my husband and kids.

On July 5th my DD1 came to the birthday party of NB1. She only stayed for an hour and a half or so, but if was obvious that she missed us. We didn’t talk much but there was a little ease in the air.

The following week she called to see if I would come and have lunch with her. It would take some doing, as she was living a ways away ... but we agreed on the July 15th.

On that day, everything went wrong; my baby sitter showed up late, I had to trade cars with my husband, traffic was terrible and I didn’t arrive for our “lunch” until almost 3pm.

DD1 and I had lunch, talked about nothing in particular and acknowledged that we missed one another. We hung out for 3 whole hours, more than we had in months. It was awkward and nice .. a good step.

On my way home the car only got FM radio – it was Rap or the local Christian station, I chose the latter.

While driving, I heard the emotional story of Tammy Trent – something inside me just started to break, I began crying about 70 miles from home and did not stop the ENTIRE WAY home.

But for once – it was a good cry. I FELT THE FEELING! I felt as if something was washing over me …

When I finally reached home, I could hardly speak - Hubby was certain something had gone terribly wrong w/DD1, and I just couldn't explain the feeling to him. So, I called my neighbor, intending to casually fill her in on the lunch, but instead when I got on the phone with her all I could say is “will you pray with me?”

She ran to my house in seconds! She gave it to me straight, telling me that I knew what to do! I needed to stop wallowing in my depression, be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter to our Father and live in His Word!

Hurumph! Weeks before I would not have accepted those words form her, I would have been angry, but on that day it was exactly what I needed!

On Sunday, July 17th, I walked in to TSC, alone and terrified. I think I knew inside that I had to make a change – I just had no idea what the next step was.

I took NB1 & 2 to the nursery, something I hadn’t ever done before (at BBC) and I sat in the back ... the waaayyyy back.

As the gentleman (I'll call him Father Figure, was filling in for the regular Pastor that day) lead the service, I cried through the entire thing!

The entire service was filled with testimonials of those that had seen the Lord working in their lives. At the end of the service, FF said that he wasn’t going to close in song, as usual; instead he was going to sit up front because he knew that “someone” needed to speak to him.

Well, it wasn’t going to be meno way! I stood at the back and waited, knowing that “someone” would certainly go up and talk to him and I could go home.

It didn’t happen and as I stood there, something pulled me to FF and before I knew it I was sobbing and trying to talk to him. At some point his wife (Mother Figure) joined him and FF asked me if I had ever accepted Christ, I had not … all he had to say was “you want to, don’t you?” I could only nod.

FF and MF prayed with me, what I know know was the Believers Prayer, and again, the feeling was there. It was amazing and scary all at the same time.

After speaking with them, they found my friend my good friend A for me and told her what had happened. She told me that she had tried all day on the 15th to reach of me and when she couldn’t she started praying for me ... at exactly the same time that I was listening to the Tammy Trent story. Spooky!

A invited me and the girls to sit with her family, as the church was having an all church BBQ – she shared her blanket and her food and my children ran from blanket to blanket and people who had never met them before shared their food and hugged my kids. They had such a great time! It was sooo wonderful to see them so happy!

When I picked up DD2 later that day, I sortof filled her in on the days events and about this new small church - and do you know what she said? She said; 'Mama, if you think this is where we should be, then I'll go.' My child, so reluctant to change, understood that this was where we needed to be.

Now I would LOVE to say that is has been all smooth sailing since then ... but it just isn't true. When I first told my neighbor that I had accepted Christ as My Savior, she said; 'Now you know, you have just angered the Devil and he will seek out your soul again, making things difficult for you' ... she couldn't have been more right.

Satan has, many times, stepped up his plight in my life - sometimes he gets small successes, I become weak and question my faith - but all in all, I continue to put all of my FAITH in Him who sent his son, to suffer and die for My sins. Because my Father chose ME.

No, it isn't simple, this loving Jesus thing ... but if it was, would it be nearly as rewarding?

Nettie



“[Love] If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Some days are like that.

I suppose I could say some lives are like that.

I could say that today. But instead I will say that I know God has a plan for me, for my life, for my future. His will for me is good and right and true.

Some days it is just harder to see that than others.

I prayed with my daughter this morning, we don't do that often - we are learning. It still feels a little odd, obligatory maybe … but I know it takes practice to make new habits.


Yesterday I read Psalms 34 - I think I need to read it every single day!

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.


Sunday, February 4, 2007

a break

It is more than a little overwhelming to continue on about where I have been … I needed a bit of a break.
Today, when I sum up my life … I think of the washing machine …
You know how when you continue to fill up your washing machine until you reach maximum capacity .. whether it means that your clothes will be fully cleaned or not … you just keep shoving them in there – to see how much the machine can handle … yea, that’s my life right now. Just shoving it all in there, to see how much I can fit, regardless of how well it all turns out.
That is my life. In all of its insanity - and my own sadness ...
more to come.

Blessings to you ....

Nettie


I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2