Googling the past

There was a time, not so long ago, when the past was the past.
Relationships were declared over, and they were. Simply done.

Enter the Internet. Google. Facebook, MySpace. Reunion.Com. An endless supply of information.
A plethora of potential.

Here you have the opportunity to connect with the long lost friend, the former teacher, mentor, tormentor, the misc. relatives, one that could have been ...

Come on, admit it. You have Googled the names. The friendships gone bad. Relationships better left done. His name. Her name. Their names together. Some nights the curiosity is too much. You are swept away in the past, the what was. The what could have been.

Perhaps it is the recent milestone. Maybe it has caused me to wonder about all of those who were. It has been decades instead of mere years. It feels safe to wonder now. To know now. I am softer, surely they must be as well.

It starts out easy and innocent. Just the wondering what they are up to now. Kids or not. Partner or not. Job or not. Success. You just want to know.

The you start to type the letters ... T, o, m* ... you hit enter and pow! There they are. A picture. A city. An address. A wife/husband/partner. Kids, job, hobbies ... all there. Wonder no more. Now you have knowledge.

And yet you still wonder. How are they really? And, come on, what you really want to know is; do they still think of you? Do they still harbor ill feelings or is it safe to talk? To connect.

It is simple really, just the click of a button and you can be "friends" ... you can start over. It's tempting isn't it? Reconnecting with the past.

It doesn't hurt anything ... anyone.

Except it can. Can't it? Isn't there a reason that things are in the past? A reason that the one that got away, well, got away.

There is something to be said for moving on. Even more to be said for staying in the present.

Just more random thoughts today.

Nettie

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Melonchaoly days

The date is looming. You know, the big milestone I referred to earlier.



My mind is filled with random musings ... I can't quite think straight ... yet there are things I want to say.



I don't really mind getting older. It is, after all, just a number. I feel younger now than I did ten years ago. I know I look better. I know I smarter. I know I am happier. Those things won't change - much :)



What I do mind ... the loss ...

The loss of time. The loss of experience(s). Things I can't re-do or undo. Honestly, I am sad because I just want to slow things down for a bit. I want to relish more. Yet, I know that time will continue to speed by and I will be at a loss to do anything differently.



I never made it a secret that I wanted more children .. I know, I know, I have 4 .. surely that is enough. I know it is and He has blessed me so much with my lovely girls. And yet, I feel the ache. It echo's through my soul and engulfs my every thought. It is silly ... I had such a difficult time - every time. But I can't shake the ache.



I think I am also conflicted because life just isn't what I thought it would be ... but I don't know what I really thought it would be. I had ideas of what should happen, but I didn't have a clear path of how to get there. And maybe that is part of it ... I have just sort of let life happen.



Is that a bad thing? Things that I never dreamt would happen have blessed my life, if I had known, would I have messed it up?

Fears have certainly been realized - bigger than I could have imagined ... had I known, what could I have done differently? Would I do with out these experiences?

Regrets have plagued me. Will always plague me. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's in life



I regret that I didn't take more time with people. That I didn't talk to strangers. That I didn't say I'm Sorry more. That I didn't sit quietly. That I looked forward and not around. That I didn't take more chances. Laughed more. Cried more.

Here I sit rambling ... so much I want to say, and yet the words escape me.

Perhaps I shall just try embrace the day, the milestones and stop wallowing in the "small stuff" ... let the trumpets sound.

Nettie

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. — 1 Corinthians 15:51-53

Age and hovering

I am close to reaching a milestone. You know, one of those that seemed soooo old when you were a kid. One you couldn't really imagine reaching ... but being quite certain that when you did life would be grand ... or complete, or easy, or maybe predictable.

hmmmm .... here is what I have learned - NOT SO MUCH.

It isn't all that different now than it was, say, twenty years ago. The happiness comes in a different package, with a slightly more colorful bow. The sorrows may reach a bit farther down to your soul, and the tears may flow a little more freely. But mostly, things are similar.

I think I have mentioned before that I never quite felt like I *fit in* as a kid. Or a teen ... and then imagine my dismay when I didn't quite measure up (in my mind) as a adult.

I vividly recall being the girl from the trailer park. My clothes NEVER really came from the right place. And even when I could talk my way into some designer duds (anyone remember A. Smile overalls/jeans?!?), they just didn't seem to fit me the way they fit everyone else.

I attempted the hair cuts (Dorothy Hamill Wedge, Farrah Fawcett Feathered Shag, Cyndi Lauper shaved side, multi colored do) ... well, I'll just say it wasn't pretty! I tried to be funny, witty, sarcastic, tough ... but I was never quick enough to succeed at these. I wasn't exceptionally (or moderately) bright. I wasn't pretty, nor was I ugly. I was average.

And so I hovered. In the middle of things. Not quite fitting into to any one group. I wasn't comfortable enough to hang out with the popular crowd, yet I wasn't bad enough to hang out with the rebels. I am sure there were a lot of us hovering in the middle ... but we didn't seem to find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Funny, this hovering as a child and teen was sort of the pre cursor to my hovering in my search for Christ ... I sort of sat on the fence, waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was worthy of His love -- crazy, huh? It took a long time to discover that I was enough. Just the way I was.

Perhaps if I had known as a child, a teen, a young adult, that I was enough I would have hovered less and enjoyed more. I would have made friends and memories.

I had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with a number of the people that I grew up with. I say that lightly ... I grew up around them. Watching them. Wondering how to be like them. To have it so together.

I must confess that I was incredibly nervous for this event. Where would I possibly fit in? Surely they are all far more successful than I. They must have it more together than I do. They must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then.

I skipped my 20 year reunion, because I was simply too anxious about all of these things. Knowing that I would go and still be the girl from the trailer park. It was too much for me.

So ... I went into the night bolstering myself with a false confidence ... but it was enough. I knew that it was one night and if I still didn't fit it ... what did it really matter? Don't I have the one on my side that really matters.

Here's what I learned ... I still hover.

I hovered between two tables.
Those who know me as I am today, who came to a party that they weren't really a part of, who encouraged me to just go over and talk, even though it meant leaving them to fend for themselves.
And those who knew me when. Who seemed interested in what I had to say, who readily admitted that they didn't have it all together, who only vaguely mentioned the trailer park, and who seemed to accept me as I am.

At each table, I was enough.

and it felt good.

Nettie

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6