Jesus, Let Me Call You Sweetheart

Googling the past

2009-04-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

There was a time, not so long ago, when the past was the past.
Relationships were declared over, and they were. Simply done.

Enter the Internet. Google. Facebook, MySpace. Reunion.Com. An endless supply of information.
A plethora of potential.

Here you have the opportunity to connect with the long lost friend, the former teacher, mentor, tormentor, the misc. relatives, one that could have been ...

Come on, admit it. You have Googled the names. The friendships gone bad. Relationships better left done. His name. Her name. Their names together. Some nights the curiosity is too much. You are swept away in the past, the what was. The what could have been.

Perhaps it is the recent milestone. Maybe it has caused me to wonder about all of those who were. It has been decades instead of mere years. It feels safe to wonder now. To know now. I am softer, surely they must be as well.

It starts out easy and innocent. Just the wondering what they are up to now. Kids or not. Partner or not. Job or not. Success. You just want to know.

The you start to type the letters ... T, o, m* ... you hit enter and pow! There they are. A picture. A city. An address. A wife/husband/partner. Kids, job, hobbies ... all there. Wonder no more. Now you have knowledge.

And yet you still wonder. How are they really? And, come on, what you really want to know is; do they still think of you? Do they still harbor ill feelings or is it safe to talk? To connect.

It is simple really, just the click of a button and you can be "friends" ... you can start over. It's tempting isn't it? Reconnecting with the past.

It doesn't hurt anything ... anyone.

Except it can. Can't it? Isn't there a reason that things are in the past? A reason that the one that got away, well, got away.

There is something to be said for moving on. Even more to be said for staying in the present.

Just more random thoughts today.

Nettie

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Melonchaoly days

2009-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

The date is looming. You know, the big milestone I referred to earlier.

My mind is filled with random musings ... I can't quite think straight ... yet there are things I want to say.

I don't really mind getting older. It is, after all, just a number. I feel younger now than I did ten years ago. I know I look better. I know I smarter. I know I am happier. Those things won't change - much :)

What I do mind ... the loss ...

The loss of time. The loss of experience(s). Things I can't re-do or undo. Honestly, I am sad because I just want to slow things down for a bit. I want to relish more. Yet, I know that time will continue to speed by and I will be at a loss to do anything differently.

I never made it a secret that I wanted more children .. I know, I know, I have 4 .. surely that is enough. I know it is and He has blessed me so much with my lovely girls. And yet, I feel the ache. It echo's through my soul and engulfs my every thought. It is silly ... I had such a difficult time - every time. But I can't shake the ache.

I think I am also conflicted because life just isn't what I thought it would be ... but I don't know what I really thought it would be. I had ideas of what should happen, but I didn't have a clear path of how to get there. And maybe that is part of it ... I have just sort of let life happen.

Is that a bad thing? Things that I never dreamt would happen have blessed my life, if I had known, would I have messed it up?

Fears have certainly been realized - bigger than I could have imagined ... had I known, what could I have done differently? Would I do with out these experiences?

Regrets have plagued me. Will always plague me. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's in life

I regret that I didn't take more time with people. That I didn't talk to strangers. That I didn't say I'm Sorry more. That I didn't sit quietly. That I looked forward and not around. That I didn't take more chances. Laughed more. Cried more.

Here I sit rambling ... so much I want to say, and yet the words escape me.

Perhaps I shall just try embrace the day, the milestones and stop wallowing in the "small stuff" ... let the trumpets sound.

Nettie

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. — 1 Corinthians 15:51-53

Age and hovering

2009-04-06T09:47:00.001-07:00

I am close to reaching a milestone. You know, one of those that seemed soooo old when you were a kid. One you couldn't really imagine reaching ... but being quite certain that when you did life would be grand ... or complete, or easy, or maybe predictable.

hmmmm .... here is what I have learned - NOT SO MUCH.

It isn't all that different now than it was, say, twenty years ago. The happiness comes in a different package, with a slightly more colorful bow. The sorrows may reach a bit farther down to your soul, and the tears may flow a little more freely. But mostly, things are similar.

I think I have mentioned before that I never quite felt like I *fit in* as a kid. Or a teen ... and then imagine my dismay when I didn't quite measure up (in my mind) as a adult.

I vividly recall being the girl from the trailer park. My clothes NEVER really came from the right place. And even when I could talk my way into some designer duds (anyone remember A. Smile overalls/jeans?!?), they just didn't seem to fit me the way they fit everyone else.

I attempted the hair cuts (Dorothy Hamill Wedge, Farrah Fawcett Feathered Shag, Cyndi Lauper shaved side, multi colored do) ... well, I'll just say it wasn't pretty! I tried to be funny, witty, sarcastic, tough ... but I was never quick enough to succeed at these. I wasn't exceptionally (or moderately) bright. I wasn't pretty, nor was I ugly. I was average.

And so I hovered. In the middle of things. Not quite fitting into to any one group. I wasn't comfortable enough to hang out with the popular crowd, yet I wasn't bad enough to hang out with the rebels. I am sure there were a lot of us hovering in the middle ... but we didn't seem to find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Funny, this hovering as a child and teen was sort of the pre cursor to my hovering in my search for Christ ... I sort of sat on the fence, waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was worthy of His love -- crazy, huh? It took a long time to discover that I was enough. Just the way I was.

Perhaps if I had known as a child, a teen, a young adult, that I was enough I would have hovered less and enjoyed more. I would have made friends and memories.

I had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with a number of the people that I grew up with. I say that lightly ... I grew up around them. Watching them. Wondering how to be like them. To have it so together.

I must confess that I was incredibly nervous for this event. Where would I possibly fit in? Surely they are all far more successful than I. They must have it more together than I do. They must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then.

I skipped my 20 year reunion, because I was simply too anxious about all of these things. Knowing that I would go and still be the girl from the trailer park. It was too much for me.

So ... I went into the night bolstering myself with a false confidence ... but it was enough. I knew that it was one night and if I still didn't fit it ... what did it really matter? Don't I have the one on my side that really matters.

Here's what I learned ... I still hover.

I hovered between two tables.
Those who know me as I am today, who came to a party that they weren't really a part of, who encouraged me to just go over and talk, even though it meant leaving them to fend for themselves.
And those who knew me when. Who seemed interested in what I had to say, who readily admitted that they didn't have it all together, who only vaguely mentioned the trailer park, and who seemed to accept me as I am.

At each table, I was enough.

and it felt good.

Nettie

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6

Addiction or hobby

2009-01-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I admit it - I succumb easily to addictions. No, not alcohol, drugs or sex ... but FADS. I can switch them fast and furious. A new hobby here equals a formerly *important* hobby being tossed out the window.

Take Facebook vs. Blogging.
This new (to me - I have no idea how long it has been around) fad has practically taken over my life. I take a break every now and then to ... ummm actually work and care for my family, but while I am completing the necessary tasks of life I can't help but wonder;
who might have written on my wall
requested/accepted my friendship
tagged me in a photo
thrown a snowball at me
danced with my avatar on YoVille

The possibilities are endless, the happenings vast ... I can hardly tear myself away, but how do I explain this to my children - or my husband, who does not get it at all!!!

Are you facing such an addiction? Facebook, YouTube, Wikipedia, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger.
Or am I the only one? Do I need help? I don't really think I have a *problem* ... at least I am not ready to fully accept it at this point!
Nettie

10 Signs You’re Addicted To Facebook

1. You log into Facebook before checking your regular email.
2. You check Facebook daily, multiple times a day, or all day. (From the Blackberry!)
3. Your brain filters everything through Facebook now. You think, “How can I promote, or market, or share, or propagate this on Facebook?”
4. You trawl your address book for who hasn’t signed up yet, or who you haven’t invited yet.
5. You get a bigger buzz from the number of new friends who accepted your add request than you do from a trip to Starbucks. (Yeah, I know, a tough one to beat!)
6. You update your status frequently to put a feed on your friends’ profiles.
7. Hours pass before you realize you’ve done nothing but surf Facebook.
8. You carry your laptop with wi-fi wherever you go… just in case.
9. You find yourself thinking about Facebook when you’re away from your computer… Facebook even pops into your dreams.
10. Your usual bedtime has shifted by two or more hours.

And we made it.

2008-12-29T23:16:00.000-08:00

Of course we did.
Who was I to doubt?

It isn't as though it wasn't a struggle. Mostly for the middle girl, who is old enough to understand but young enough to still be saddened. The oldest girl seemed ok with time ... I think that is what she wants more now than anything else ... time with us. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

The littles were fine. The big girls and I managed to scour the house and come up with a plethora of gifts perfect for little ones. They didn't even notice that it was a stocking full vs. a tree full. We got creative and I am so thankful.

The holidays weren't with out sadness. It was difficult to watch my parents mourn my brother. Hard to see his children with out him ... and so much regret still.

Today, however, I am concentrating on all I have to be thankful for ...

Got to spend almost a week with the oldest girl. The longest in ... well a very long time.
Made it through the snow, ice, wind and rain with no accidents and no illnesses and no broken pipes!
Made it south and back for the BIG medical appointment despite the terrible weather.
Have a new plan for the headaches, and so far it isn't as rough as suggested.
The new Doc. seems to be stellar .. beyond stellar, really. And I just found her name on Facebook and it is sad to say that my neurologist is a hottie .... I might have a girl crush.
Middle girl seems to be working through some things and I am very proud of her.
School will start in a week.
God continues to provide for us, even when we aren't sure we are going to make it.
I sent out Christmas cards - complete with family photo's - for the first time in YEARS. I even managed to come up with a semi-okay letter ... not to braggy, nor too sad.
Was able to spend Christmas with the whole available family, and it was nice.
Youngest brother is heading off to rehab, a big step - am praying for him.
I am thrilled to be connected with a number of school chums ... I am also addicted to Facebook, I might need an intervention!
Good friends who keep checking in to make sure I am alive.
Skype rocks
Food on the table, heads in bed, heat to warm us, books to read, love surrounds.

I am hoping to be thankful for sleep tonight .. the new meds seem to have an insomniac effect.

Peace,
Nettie

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.
Psalm 68:19

Jesus is the reason for the season.

2008-12-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

We know that, right?
As good Christians we know to teach our children that it isn't about the lights, the tree, the tinsel and it is absolutely not about the presents.
I think I have done a fair job of talking to my kids, of showing them that Jesus is the reason for the season. However, up until now I have also allowed the myth of Santa to live on in our home. Trying not to play too much into it, but also ensuring that the older ones understand that once they had *forgotten* Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. Mostly this is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year is a different story. This Santa is running on empty. Not spiritually, absolutely not. Although I am not into the Christmas Cheer as some ... but I am into Christ my saviour. However, we are in a tough financial crunch this year. Unlike any other year. Not just Santa runnin' lean, but rather Santa is broke as in not.able.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke.
What does a parent do at this point? Do I break down and tell my sweet angels that there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives? No need for the special plate with milk and cookies ... not Rudolph won't be here for his carrots ...
Do I pretend that Santa missed our little house and perhaps is running behind? (Maybe January will be a better month - Please Lord!)
We really have tried to keep Christ in Christmas - continuously telling our children who He is and what He means to us .... but still there are always a few special Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am so unsure of what to do. I am takin' it to the Father. Asking for His guidance.
But, my heart is broken. I just didn't expect that times would get leaner as I got older - heck I am almost in my 4th decade ... have I not paid my dues? I worked in fast food for cryin' out loud ... all joking aside, I feel at a loss. And I know I am not the only one.
I have so much to be grateful for - I know. And this isn't about me ... this is about those sweet angel faces.
Lord give me strength and wisdom.
Guide me on the path you wish for me.
Help me to show my children that Jesus is the reason for the season. The only reason.

Nettie

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Time marches on

2008-12-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.

In some manner.

Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.

The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.

I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?

Who do I think I am?

For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.

Nettie

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26

Loss

2008-10-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a month and still I can't find the words.

One month ago today, we said goodbye to my little brother. The one I fought with, cried with, hugged with ... and ultimately severed all ties with.

I never guess that it would be forever. I really thought that there would be a day that we would reconnect and have the relationship we were meant to have.

I loved him. That never stopped. I just couldn't live with his decisions, his actions, his ultimate anger.

He had reason to be angry ... but it didn't make it an acceptable presence in our lives.

Had I known of his ultimate pain ... the pain that would cause him to take his own life ... would I have done things differently? Like in the movies ... I could rush in at the last minute and show him that life, even with extreme pain, is worth living. But this isn't the movies. It is real life. Real pain. Real endings. Real loss.

Loss that leaves behind so many unanswered questions. So much blame and destruction.

I pray that he is at peace. That the hand of our Lord is upon him. I pray that I will see him in heaven ... as the brother that I loved, laughed and lived with.

I pray that my parents will find strength in Christ. That his children will not blame themselves. That wounded relationships can be healed.

One month later ... I just pray.

Nettie

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

school daze

2008-09-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

And so the school year began.

I have to admit that it seemed a little bit anticlimactic this year, all that preparation and then WHAM - we're there and the FIRST DAY is over.

I also have to admit that I love shopping for school supplies. Maybe it is my days of working in an office supply store, maybe it is the fact that I didn't have any say so when it was my turn (way back in the day), maybe it is because there are sooo many cool choices ... or maybe I am just strange.

I wonder if anyone else, over age 12, gets the incredible craving for Cool Pens and notebooks when summers end nears. Fortunately, I still have children under the age of 12, so I can live vicariously through them ...

This year my list is vast - with a child in each level of school (pre, elementary, middle and high school), my options for cool and funky is pretty limitless! Of course we have to start with Crayons and Colored Pencils - it does NOT matter that we already have an abundant supply lurking around the house, we all (ahem, I mean the kids) need NEW shiny tools for the first day of school.

Then we move into Folders, which of course I still call a Pee Chee making me totally uncool with my kids ... moving on to glue, scissors, sharpeners, erasers, uber cool Highlighters, the must have Binder and my all time FAVORITE post-it-notes - my favs coming from LeSportsac.

I will admit an affinity towards Lisa Frank and fun and fancy sticky notes - but really, does everything have be to be sold in multi-packs costing $10 - $12 - for sticky note? It's a bit much, isn't it?

Ah well, I skimped and bought the Rose Art Crayons, so I can afford a few cute sticky notes ... and cool pens, don't forget the cool pens.

I just don't know how I am going to sneak them away from the kids.

Nettie

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. ~Bill Dodds

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

Wait and weight

2008-08-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I went through a plethora of tests ... the *oscopies* I like to call them. I had 'em all. Oh the joy.
But I survived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I don't handle the anaesthetics well, mostly because it takes so much to get me under, that I have a hard time comin' back around ... but all in all, I lived.
The worst part ... the waiting. I loathe the waiting. In fact, I am STILL WAITING. I had most of my test prior to school getting out (mid June) and yet I don't have an official appointment until next week. Does that seem odd?
I guess not when it comes to GI doctors, at least that is what I have been told. And ... well, I have nothing else to go on.
So, next week I find out something - I hope, I pray. I would love some answers.

and the WEIGHT. Hmmmm. Well, as if February I had lost over 100 pounds. Woohoo. It took me two solid years, but I did it. I maintained and lost the entire time, never gaining more than a pound or two for more than a few days.

Until this summer. Which is typical. For me at least. Somehow I seem to be opposite of most people. I tend to gain weight in the summer and lose it in the winter. I think it is because the kids are home and I get out of routine. This summer has been more festive than last ... more weddings, more parties; which means more food. And for me, less exercise.

So, this summer I have gain 6 pounds. Urgh. Urgh. Urgh. I know it doesn't sound like much, but for someone who gains weight so easily and has always been heavy - 6 can equal 20 or more before I know it. It has happened too many times before and I am afraid. I call it a healthy fear of regaining. But it is fear - plain and simple. I have just been through it too many times and I do not want to go back to that place. That heavy place.

But ... please, oh please, oh please ... I am hopeful that I will be able to get back on track and lose those 6 pounds (and the last 5 I wanted to lose before that) when school starts and my *routine* resumes.

Well, I can hope.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~ Christopher Reeve

Nettie

"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."
Genesis 8:22

The days, they are a flyin' by.

2008-08-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

How is it possibly mid-August?

How is it possible that summer is almost over? I am not done yet, there are too many things left to do. Too many places I want to go ... to take the kids. To explore.

How does it happen? Every single summer.

What have we done this summer?

We planted a beautiful garden.
Watched wonderful friends get married.
Attended various camps and youth activities.
Read A LOT!
Enjoyed the company of good friends. A LOT - but never enough.
Said good-bye to too many friends.
Saw whales in the ocean.
Watch DD2 perform magically in her second play.
Opened our home to some beautiful orphaned girls and were richly blessed.
Cooked more food than any family ought to.
Got more involved in our lovely church.
Catered a few great events.
Had the pleasure of hosting loved ones in our neck of the woods.

I guess we didn't do too badly ... especially since Ma and Pa still had to work through most of the summer.

Stlll ... I wish we had a little more time ...

"Dining with one's friends and beloved family is certainly one of life's primal and most innocent delights, one that is both soul-satisfying and eternal." - Julia Child

~ Nettie

When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Isaiah 8:19

Left behind

2008-08-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

We have been left behind, and yet we are still included.

Daily messages are received and I am willing to bet, hoping even, that we - like they - are included in daily prayers. In fact, I am counting on it.

I can't suppress the glee that I feel when I open my email to find a message from theHplace. I know that they are okay, but yet I find great solace in the daily acknowledgement of that fact.

It is odd though, I want them to be healthy, safe, and happy - and yet at the same time my heart tugs when I realize that they are having fun with us. I feel so selfish in this. I know that I don't mean it in my heart ... but yet, there it is.

I am fortunate though. Unlike others, I have many ties that bind. I am taking care of important matters that are left behind when a family moves to a new Country. There are many. I had no idea. But I find great comfort in them.

This week we have slowed down a little. Our sweet visitors from Africa have long gone. DD2 has finished her marvelous drama production and my summer catering rush seems to have slowed. Not to worry though, I have now been taken over by the non-profit agency that I volunteer for.

DD1 is coming for a short visit next week ... it has been a long time since she has been here, so it should be interesting ... emotional ... strange. I don't know. Something indescribable.

Soul searching. That is what I am doing ... when do we stop that? When do we find the answer(s)?

Nettie

But the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs [Those who served as priests in Old Testament times.] as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, and it is founded on better promises.
Hebrews 8:6

Gaining 3 kids and a little perspective

2008-07-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

This week I have the great pleasure of hosting three girls from Africa. These sweet girls come from the poorest of poor communities in Africa. The poverty and disease is overwhelming.

Today is Sunday - I started this post on Monday. The day after I got the girls. Already I felt as if I was gaining perspective - and yet, if I had completed the post it would have come no where close to what I have gained this week.

In perspective, humbleness, love, fear, and desire.

I have learned that I am capable of more love than I could ever imagine. I have also learned that, in some ways, I do not have as much patience as I would like.

I learned that sometimes I let pride get in the way.

I learned that fear can make you quit or egg you on. This week I let it egg me on and was richly rewarded.

I learned that letting go is hard, but when you do so with love, you will gain much.

I learned that I will never, ever get as much done as I would like to. And that no one will care.

I learned that words unspoken can hurt.

I learned that real love is a universal language. Love in a real hug feels so good.

I learned that I am furiously protective - not only of my own family but of those who need it most.

I learned that it is okay to say no, even if it doesn't feel good or make others happy.

I learned so much more in a week than I can ever put in to words. I learned that my story is evolving and it might just be a good one.

What did you learn this week?

Nettie

Letting go

2008-07-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Letting go ...

This year, well the last two years actually, has been a time of letting go.

For me, my friends and my entire family.

One of my best and dearest friends, and her family, hopped on a jet plane this week heading to China for an indiscernible amount of time. It could be three years, it could be ten. They don't know. They are following the Lord's calling and I am, of course, incredibly proud of them and their journey for Him.

But today, I am grieving. I can not explain what this family has meant to me. Or the hopes that I had for our friendship future ... multi family vacations, holidays celebrated together, long evening chats, wine in plastic tumblers, confessions of the soul ... so many plans in my mind. Not to be realized.

Of course it is for the greater good ...

As it has been for the ones before them.

In the past two years a large handful of our friends, and a few relatives, have either moved out of State or out of Country. This has been hard on my people (as I call the immediate family). It has brought on many tears, caused a multitude of conversations about what moving means and required us to appreciate each lovely moment for what it is.

We understand better now that we are the unit. Additions to our unit will come and go, but we - we must stick together and support one another above all. We have also learned that Church isn't about the people - they are a terrific addition - but about Him - ALONE. We can love those in our lives, the ones that come for a season, but we must put Him, the one that will never leave us or forsake us, above all.

But today ... we'll stll grieve a little. Tomorrow we'll live.

Thank you Jesus.

2008-07-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sometime I hear a sermon on Sunday morning and seem to have forgotten it, and its intent, by the time I leave the parking lot.

Other times, it sticks with me - like a dull ache that won't stop, like a shadow ... I can't quite see it, but I know it's there, following me, nagging me. Making me think.

Last week I heard a sermon, a message, from the man who would be our new Pastor. It has been a long road for our small congregation but we (an by we I certainly mean the Elders and Pastoral search committee) have waited and been faithful to His call above all else. I am absolutely certain that this has paid off. We have an excellent fit.

I digress.

The message was simple; it is not comfortable to follow Christ.

I posted briefly about this nearly two weeks ago, but I was only skimming the surface.

I thought I had been uncomfortable, and in my defense - in my own life I have been ... more than I imagined I could be. Poor health, unreliable finances, broken down cars, marital disharmony, children with attitudes ... and things that I can not bring myself to say out loud much less write. I feel uncomfortable.

I feel lost. Like I am disappearing - not my earthly body but my spirit. The ME that I thought I was ... I guess I am just unsure of my identity. Which is rough to accept. I thought that by some magical age (when is that?) I would understand things .. things would be come easier. I never thought they would be easy, just easier.

They aren't.

Throw into that mix trying to live for Christ. That has been harder than I ever imagined. While the rewards and blessings have been bountiful, the losses have been great.

And I digress again. It is so easy to do.

I could go on and on about the discomforts of my life, but really I am just a selfish, sinful person. What exactly am I sacrificing by loving the Lord? Friends who likely weren't friends in the first place, a discomfort in my marriage - which makes my husband think and requires me to give him more grace than I normally would, a necessity to more accurately discern the cause and effects of my thoughts and deeds? Hmmm, pretty rough stuff.

WHO am I to complain?

I do not suffer persecution for loving the Lord. I can raise my hands high in worship and only worry about others seeing my saggy underarms - I have no fear of arrest or death for my proclamation that God is alive and will return. I am not only able, but called to deliver the Gospel’s message.

And on the other side, I do not go to bed hungry at night (unless it is of my own choosing), but rather I clean out the refrigerator of any leftovers to throw away - or compost - on garbage day. My children have clean drinking water and a (mostly) free education. They are all healthy and have been immunized against any deadly - or uncomfortable - diseases. Our heat is on in the winter and we are never without clothing, in fact we regularly recycle ours with nary a threadbare piece.

We have an incredibly loving and accepting church family who rallies around us in prayer and guidance in times of need.

We have so much, and yet still we yearn for more. And yet, I still manage to feel lost in this world - so uncertain about myself and where I fit in. Does that really even matter?

Getting uncomfortable

2008-07-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes following Christ can be uncomfortable.

While you may feel the internal glow of His love, you are still vulnerable to the external sting of societies view of your path.

I thought when I accepted Christ, confessed my sins and GAVE MY LIFE to Him, things would be smooth. Sunshine and roses anyone? Ummm not so much. Or not at all. At least not the way I had planned or thought or desired.

The more time that passes, the more I know I NEED to be uncomfortable. He needs me to be uncomfortable. When I am comfortable I often forget to seek Him. I do not put Him first. You can bet when I am uncomfortable or scared I cry out - I seek Him with all that I have.

I haven't blogged here since December. I can not begin to express the level of discomfort I have have felt over seven months.

Time to stop. Time to turn to Him first, every day all day. all the time.

I know you are there God.

2007-12-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

It's me, Nettie.

Do you remember the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?

I don't remember the book, so much as the book title. I am pretty certain that I read it, along with most of Judy Blume's books ... but I really couldn't tell you specifically what it was about.

I do, however, imagine that this is how many of us feel ... from time to time, or very often. I know I do. I know in my heart of hearts that He is always there. That He has a plan for me ... that He will use me in ways that I simply can not imagine.

But yet, sometimes I still flounder. I still doubt, not relying on Him enough. Wishing He would show me more. Let me in on the secret so that I can better understand why things are the way they are.

Right now is one of those times. I hate being one of those people. You know, the ones where something is always wrong. But that seems to be me. Something is always off. Whether it is my health, my marriage, my family, finances ... there is always something and sometimes it is everything.

Lately it feels more overwhelming than it has in the past --- and then not. My health is not good. I notice that as my physical health wanes, so does my mental health.

I suffer from migraines. I have for 30 years. Sometimes they are manageable, and other times I am inconsolable with pain. They are almost always there, lurking in the background waiting to break free and throw me into isolation.

When things are at their worst, I get a mild case of Agoraphobia. While I do experience the fear of leaving the house for multiple reasons, I am more overwhelmed with the idea of having to explain myself, my current state, again (and again, and again).

I hate it that I can almost never say that I am not in pain. That, unless I lie outright, I must admit that I am riddled with pain -- and then the sadness that follows the pain. I hate it that I seem to have no control over this pain. That I can not manage it. That is takes away from my life and moreover, that it takes away from the lives of my children and husband. They absolutely live with it as much as I do.

I tire from naming off the vast number of solutions and procedures I have tried. I feel bad when people suggest I try that *new* OTC Migraine medication (Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil), because I am caught somewhere between a laugh and a cry ... they don't work and I wish something did. And I wish they were new to me, but they aren't - ever.

The last few weeks have been draining. Mentally and physically. I have had some of my worst migraines in years and am experiencing multiple other unexplainable ailments.

I had two MRI's last week and then got the call saying that there was nothing detectable. I wept. Not that I want there to be something bad, just that I want to know why this is happening -- I want to know that I am not just crazy. I feel so isolated in this place. I can share my feelings with a few ... but I can't begin to explain the helpless feeling. This dread.

And yet ... I know He is there. And that there is a reason for this. That my suffering is not for no reason. I don't doubt that, I just don't know how to find peace in it.

I know you are there God ... and I need you!

Nettie

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Going, going, gone.

2007-10-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

No, not me.

I am sure it seems as if I am going. That this is a place that I visit rather than live. I guess in a way it is ... not because I don't want to reside in this place ... I would love to have the time to write, vent, wax and wane some less than poetic musings ... I long to get it all out of my system. But life continues to get in the way.

So, PS is gone. Moved on to his calling ... and while I am glad for him, I am still mournful - selfishly of course. But not just for myself, but for those who will have the opportunity to be blessed by his grace and wisdom. Obviously he will still be touching the lives of many ... just differently.

The weeks are flying by now. I thought that things might slow down once school started, but that has NOT been the case. Each day goes by at a rapid pace ... I can hardly keep up. But I am managing. Mostly keeping my head above water.

The new job is going well. Such a blessing to me - and my family. I hope that I am able to keep up!!

I did a whole lotta organizing today. A friend, who is especially talented at such things, came over and helped me clean out the stuffed to the gills extra room. It looks terrific. Peaceful even. It may just become my hiding spot! shhhh.

My sweet kindergartner is adjusting to school. I wish I could put into words what it does to my heart when I see her walking into the school ... just like the big kids. She seems so big until I see her next all of the big kids.

My 6th grader is doing well too. This is her year to be social. She seems to have more friends now that I have ever seen her have before. Hooray for her.

And that littlest one is doing ok, being the only one at home. She is a little more destructive these days ... a challenge for certain ... but we are managing.

Last week I managed to take a few moments every day, before everyone woke up, and sit quietly with my Bible and pray for a little bit. I am still not good at it, but I am trying ...

Well, I suppose that is all I can add today.

Hope the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

Nettie

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. Psalm 10:15

Winding down

2007-09-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

Things as we know it are winding down.

In a few short weeks, our wonderful Pastor (PS) will depart the pulpit … and while I am deeply saddened about this, I am grateful for the time that I have gotten to know him as my Pastor.

I am also excited abut the possibilities that await him professionally. Our churches loss is the gain of many couples currently struggling in their relationships.

When I get beyond feeling anxious, I can also say that I am excited about the endless possibilities in store for our church. I am sure that some will desert … not being able to cope with such a loss … but the rest of us – we’re gonna hang in there and figure out how to make it – better … no not better … just as good, but different. Sometimes change, even reluctant change, can be a good thing. I don’t think it has to diminish from the wonderful job that PS has done … its just hard to see that different is bearable, or dare I say pleasing, until you faced with the opportunity of different.

Activity is swirling in these final weeks … child dedication is on the rise, celebrations are planned, and I have no doubt that more than a few couples are seeking some last minute free words of wisdom.

PS preached on Ephesians 4 - Unity in the Body of Christ – today. What a powerful message for our church. As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about how this relates to not only the church, but also our home and work lives. It seems – to me – that finding unity in the church is so much easier than at home or work … unity = harmony? Yea, I don’t see that nearly as often as I would like.

Living as Children of Light

Is tolerance easier at church? For me it is. I can excuse those around me because I easily give them the benefit of the doubt – I give them grace, as they have given me. But why is it that the minute we (some) pull out of the parking lot, we are so easily led to judge?

I am certainly guilty. I can’t tell you how many times I have left church only to get behind someone doing something foolish in the car in front of me. Of course I attempt to temper my words – but do I temper my mind? Not so easily.

How quickly we move to the dark side. And I don’t mean that we all run out of church and commit adultery or kill … but how often do we hang out after church and gossip about others? Compare notes and stories about them?

Is this not an equal sin?

I’m just thinkin’ …

Nettie

Ephesians 4
Unity with Christ
As a prisoner of the Lord, I beg you to live in a way that is worthy of the people God has chosen to be his own.
Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace.
All of you are part of the same body. There is only one Spirit of God, just as you were given one hope when you were chosen to be God's people.
We have only one Lord, one faith, and one baptism.
There is one God who is the Father of all people.
Not only is God above all others, but he works by using all of us, and he lives in all of us.

Pulling at my heart strings, oh Lord.

2007-09-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Or ... some days are just harder than others.

My oldest baby started high school this week. I never dreamed that I would not be there to share it with her. Even as it is happening, I keep thinking something will change ... something will heal this fragile relationship that we have. Most days I am OK; I accept the fact that she is safe and well taken care ... just because it isn't the plan that I would have chosen doesn't make it wrong - right? But days like this ... it feels so wrong. I should be there to greet her and hear about all of the exciting details. I should be able to calm the fears that she might have and help her celebrate her victories.

Instead, I know nothing of either.

We talk now. It is a polite dance that we do with one another. I am keenly aware that neither of us actually knows the other any more. Perhaps that is what tugs the most. How is that possible? That I don't know my baby? The one I carried in my womb for nine months (and two extra weeks!) ... the child whose body I cradled through her first shots, booboo's and delights.

I try not to doubt His purpose in this plan ... she, my girl, is destined for great things - I know it. It is myself I doubt. The words choke in my throat when I see her and all I want to do is grab her and make her understand how very much I love her. I want her to see my heart -- to know, that no matter what has happened I only ever wanted what was best. I absolutely made mistakes along the path, but I really, truly, never stopped thinking about how I could better her life.

I still haven't. But I don't think she knows that. Believes that.

I will be sad on this page ... only. When I hit publish, I will buck up and try to remain strong. I know that this is what God wants of me. I know that this is what she, ultimately, needs of me. As do my other babies. My husband. My friends. They need me to be strong -- and I will try.

Give me strength Oh Lord. Hold me close ... I continue to commit myself to You! Praise you ...

Nettie

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
Psalm 119:28-32

So, you think you can work?

2007-08-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

There is little irony that I started this post So, you think you can work? a week ago and was not only unable to complete it but not even really start it.

I wanted to post about the overwhleming life I lead. About the countless tasks that fill my day. Humor you with the clever quips of my off springs as I attempt to work from home.

Instead I was able to think up, what I considered, a whitty title post. And that is as far as I could get ...

I think if I had to come up with a title for my life story I might use When it rained, it poured. Corny? Probably. True? Absolutely.

That is life in a nutshell right now ... it is pouring and I am running around with buckets trying to stop the house from flooding.

I recently accepted a position with a wonderful Christian Organization. I couldn't be more thrilled to be working within a Godly organization ... I am finally part of the solution -- to something God driven. How cool is that?

It gets better ... I get to work from home and my income is truly based on my own efforts. I am able to help feed hungry children all around the world, assist in raising awareness of the AIDS epidemic and help US Cities connect with International missions.

The downside, if I can consider it that, is that my part time job is really working out to be a full time job. Add to this my family obligations, volunteer commitments and the other new job that I recently took on ... and well, I am one tuckered and torn girl.

I'm not complaining ... really, I'm not. I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way. I know that in the long run I will be better off for them. I just can't help but laugh ... I thought it would be easy ... ok, not easy - maybe just doable - to work from home. Well, I can do it, but it isn't simple. There are many times throughout the day that I am torn between my kids and the work opportunity -- the laundry and the work opportunity -- dinner and the work opportunity -- cruising the Internet and the work opportunity ... ha! :)

But I am trying to find a balance. I am trying to listen to my internal clock ... the one that tells me when it is time to disengage and work on something more personal. I know that it will take time ... but I have faith -- good things always take time!

Nettie

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139

Beautiful

2007-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Or not. Some think it is disturbing .. all I know is that I listened to this and could not help crying!

http://www.spinner.com/2007/08/16/video-premiere-elvis-and-lisa-marie-presleys-in-the-ghetto/

ok, I tired to post the video but it didn't work .. so you'll have to check it out on your own.
Nettie

Loss

2007-07-29T15:13:00.001-07:00

I realize as I get older, that loss comes in many forms. More than I can possibly keep track of.

There was certainly a loss of innocence when I went through my divorce.

A loss of ... certainty ... confidence when DD1 moved away.

A loss of humility with the birth of my 4th child.

The heart ache of loss each time a loved on passes.

Deep saddening loss when someone you think you can count on lets you down ...

I have experienced a fair share of loss, certainly not as much as some I know ... but enough to know the pain.

Today I experienced a different sort of loss ...

You know, I am new to the church membership thing ... I have long gone to church, but only the last couple of years belonged to a church -- so I am not sure how to word or deal with the sense of loss that I feel today.

Our Pastor is leaving. His reasons are valid and true; he feels God's calling in a new direction ... how can one argue with that?

He has been with this church for well over a decade; far longer than most Pastor's stay with a congregation - but he has only been with me for two years ... I am not done yet. I am not done learning from him, getting to know him, encouraging him ... loving him and his wonderful family. I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

And I am not ready to start over. I have only just gotten comfortable sharing my faith with people ... I am not ready to start over, reveal myself to another person who shouldn't judge me but might. What if the new Pastor isn't as kind ... as understanding ... as passionate about the things that made this church home for me ...

I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

But he is ... and ultimately he has to follow the call ... and I will be happy for him and his family. And I will welcome the new Pastor and pray for the congregation - that we can make a change like this and have it be a good one ...

Blessings ...

Nettie

God Is Our Refuge

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore will we not fear, though the earth do change,

and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas;

Though the waters thereof roar and foam,

though the mountains shake at the swelling thereof. Selah

There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God,

the holiest dwelling-place of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her,

at the approach of morning.

Nations were in tumult, kingdoms were moved;

He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

HaShem of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our high tower. Selah

Come, behold the works of HaShem,

who hath made desolations in the earth.

He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth;

He breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder;

He burneth the chariots in the fire.

'Let be, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.'

- Psalms 46: 2-11

Nearly two months

2007-07-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

I would like to say that things have changed dramatically -- as I had hoped, wished - prayed for.

They haven't.

And as I type this I am keenly aware that I have not prayed correctly. Or rather I have not prayed specifically. I have not asked God for any specifics ... how can He answer my prayers if I don't tell Him what I am praying for.

I have been here, floundering about, knowing that I needed to change, that I needed A change ... but not really asking for the guidance of the only one who can make it happen. How silly am I?

This time I had almost forgotten about this blog. I came back to it by happenstance. But I realize that a coincidence isn't always a coincidence.

I was reading the new blog of my friend (The Chronicles of Isaiah ) this morning ... you see her family is adopting from China - for the second time - and the entire experience seems to be coming together through a number of coincidences ... or not.

I read her words and I can not help but realize that the coincidences in my life are leading me somewhere as well. I might need to be more diligent - more purposeful - in my prayers ... but I also need to stop disregarding the coincidences.

I have a job interview-ish today. Normally I would be nervous -- but right now I just know that God has His hand on this one ... I am going to trust Him fully.

Nettie

PS - I will be back!

Isaiah 53

1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Days have been dark.

2007-05-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Not a real excuse, I know.
I could write anyway -- it would help. I am sure.
But instead, I seem to float in the darkness ... neither embracing it nor renouncing it.
I haven't forgotten this blog, it is just that I want it to mean something.
What? I don't know. I just want to say something that might inspire someone else to love Jesus like I am trying to.
This time of year is always hard for me. OK, well most times of the year are hard for me .. I seem to be prone to sadness. To feeling alone in a room full of people. What a cliché, I know ... but it is true.
I need a change.
I need a change.
I need a change.

What will it be?

Nettie

O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.
Isaiah 25:1

Slacker?

2007-05-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Not so much.

Good intentioned? Absolutely!

I thought that I would start this blog and have daily, bi-weekly, weekly (???) updates regarding my faith journey. I didn't expect to update monthly. I didn't expect words to fail me ... I thought that I would be able to describe what was happening in my heart.

It turns out that it isn't as easy as I thought. I just can't seem to find the words to express the joys and pains in this journey of mine.

I really wish I could. I know that there are people who need to know that you do not have to be perfect o have Christ in your life. People who need to hear that life is far from easy once you have Christ in your life. People who need to know that the struggle is all worth it.

Those are the people I want to *speak* to. I want to encourage. Those people are just like me.

The month of April was filled with many struggles for me and my family. It was also filled with many blessings.

* My husband got a new, wonderful job. Thank the Lord. "Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises." James 5:13

* Property taxes increased so much we aren't sure how we will pay the mortgage - even with the new job. Father, I know You will provide a way. "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." Revelation 5:12

* DD2 made the honor roll, something she thought she would never do. Praise God, He is faithful. "The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy." Psalm 111:7

* My birthday came and went and was forgotten by some who should have remembered. I live for your remembrance Father, with you I am never alone. "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands" Psalm 63:3-4

* We ended up not having to pay on our taxes -- we had anticipated owing a very large sum, but through diligence and much searching - we owe nothing. Thank you is not enough Father. "Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom" Psalm 145:3

There is much more that I could reflect on ... but all I can think at the moment is How Great Is Our God? He is faithful, He is righteous. The Way, the Truth, and the Life

Amen!

Nettie

Not my destiny.

2007-04-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

I guess that blogging isn't my destiny.
I thought that I would find great relief in putting into words my faith journey. Instead I feel so busy that I just can't get it all out there ...
Don't give up on me just yet. I still think I can do this thing. I do really!!

This weekend marks the true reason that we all live. Give thanks to God.

I am excited for the Sunrise Service and Easter brunch at my church. I will be singing on the Worship team and I am so honored to be a part of such a terrific group. I can't think of a more wonderful day to be able to sing the praises to my Lord.

If you have stopped by before and found me lacking ... please do come back. Things are settling down a bit and I think I will have more stories to tell. Life is getting better ...

Thanks so much and Peace to you!

Blessings ~
Nettie

Love, sweet love.

2007-03-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

Oh how can I not talk about my babies. The big ones and the little ones.

The amaze me, each and every day. My heart swells with love for them ... I am thankful for the glorious gift God has given me, with each unique one of them.

Yesterday NB1 ran through the house singing How greeaattt is ouurrr God, Sing with ME, Hooowww greaaattt is Our God .... it just fills me with glee to hear my children sing about the Lord. I would have never imagined it when I first became a parent.

NB1 especially has a love for God. I am sure it is because she is the one who has spent most of her short life in the church. NB2 is still too young to express her love for Christ and DD's 1 & 2 ... well I think they are still getting used to the idea. But NB1 - that girl will tell you how it is! You had better Love God and be obedient to Him ... you had better say your prayers, and you had better listen to the Pastor when he talks (well, we're still working on that one ... she knows the rule - but .....). I have seen this sweet little girl tell a person that You Must Love God - He is our Savior. I fully expect her to be my Evangelical Preachin' Daughter. Seriously!

Parenting is a rough road, you all know that. Discipline is something I struggle with every day. Balancing lessons with perceived punishment ... making sure that they understand that there are consequences to their actions ... sometimes, like today, doing that breaks my heart.

The girls were really misbehaving tonight - they were supposed to be taking a bath and instead they got into a *powder fight* ... which was one thing ... but it was in my room & bathroom, and ended up all over everything - and I do mean everything. There was other stuff too, but I won't get into that here ... suffice to say, I was mighty upset.

It was hard on my heart to discipline them ... I think I did it in a loving and yet firm manner ... but this is a challenging area for me. I did explain that even when they have frustrated me beyond belief I love them with all my heart ... and that this is how God loves us ... I know that I covered all the right points, but still there was punishment (things taken away) which made them sooo sad, which in turn, saddens me.

The right thing doesn't always feel right.

Blessings and Happy March!

Nettie

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.”- Job 23:10-11

My heart is in the right place.

2007-02-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

I just wish that I could get the rest of me caught up.

I want to write (post) ... there are many things each day that I think oh ... I could write about this or that would make an interesting topic ... but then at the end of the day I am just too wiped out to do it.

Last week was an OK week. Just as busy as the week before. I managed to pray with DD2, but didn't manage to keep up on the scripture end of things. I could feel it too ... as if we were lacking something each day .. as if we were struggling because we didn't start the day out right. Funny, I didn't attribute it to that, but I realize (now) that we were calmer when we started each day with scripture ... less hectic. Definitely going to make a better effort this week.

Had to take NB2 to the Dr. last week. So traumatic. Her iron is low and so they had to draw blood. Let me tell you ... there wasn't a dry eye in the place. She fought good and hard - ultimately they got what they needed but it really took the wind out of her sails. She forgot for a while, after she slept, only to be reminded when she saw the band aid again. Ugh. That part of parenting ... yea, I could do without it.

It snowed yesterday. Yikes. Almost March and SNOW... so done with it! It didn't stay, thank goodness.

NB1 went to play with a friend after church today, so it was just NB2 and I ... as hard as it is for me, I decided to just sit still and watch a movie with her. Those times are so few and far between, just to the two of us ... and well, her wanting to sit with me. I know that part will not last much longer. I held her tightly in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder, her hair tickling my chin - I just breathed her in ... you know what I mean. Just smelling her littleness, her innocence ... the goodness of her. I am already missing that feeling.

When I took her (NB2) to the Dr. this week, they said that I should start to cut back her milk intake ... (2% in a cup - not breast milk, she has been weaned there for quite some time ...) and although I know it is custom, I want to know why? She likes milk. She drinks quite a bit, but less than she did 6 months ago ... and that was less than the 6 months prior to that. Why should I make her give up something that gives her comfort? She doesn't drink it in a bottle. She doesn't have it in the middle of the night (anymore) ... she eats a good, balanced diet. She isn't overweight - or underweight ...

I guess I am feeling like everyone is in a hurry for our babies to grow up and be like everyone else ... whatever that means. And I want my baby to be a baby - until she isn't a baby anymore.

Well, long ramble there .... I am probably hormonal today ... or something :O)

Hope your Monday is good.

Nettie

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”- 1 John 4:9

What a week.

2007-02-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

I didn't intend to take such a long break. It's not like I didn't have a ton to write about ... I did!
But I have found that to blog seriously, takes time and effort. I guess this is sort of like a diary of my soul, but I don't want all my *stuff* to just ooze off onto the page. I'd like for it to make a little bit of sense.

I continued to pray with DD2 this week. Some days we did better than others. I also tried to read some scripture with her each morning ... well with her isn't exactly truthful - more like to her ... she sits and eats her Cheerio's/Life/Bagel/Toast/Whatever she has for breakfast, and I read.

At the beginning of the year our Pastor gave us a Bible reading schedule to follow for the year. There's a handy little check off sheet and in theory you should be able to get through the Bible in a year.

Yea, not in my house. There are generally 4 chapters to read a day and although that doesn't sound like a lot, it is when you have to pay attention to what you are reading. So, I am doing what I can.

February has us reading Leviticus (not exactly good breakfast reading) and Acts. And I am reading them as I am able ... but I keep being drawn to Psalms.

Psalms 34 to be exact. I know that I said it last week, but I am telling you this Psalm just keep coming back to me - over and over and over. In fact, when I randomly open my Bible, I swear it goes directly to this passage ... now I know enough to know that God is trying to tell me something .. I just need to listen more intently!

OK, so there is that ...

On to the week.

We started an Alpha Course last Sunday and since I have volunteered to help in the kitchen, the girls and I were there with bells on. But not before NB2 threw up in the car on the way to the church. Bleck! Thanks goodness that Hubby was going to be picking her up anyway, so he met us in the parking lot and took her pukey self home.

Tuesday night was Bible study night ... but before that DD2 had her first official horse riding lesson. She had so much fun - and she actually got to ride, which we didn't anticipate ...

Wednesday was a Valentines Dinner at church. The youth put on the dinner and they did such an amazing job. We truly have some of the greatest kids in our congregation. They are raising money to go to a conference in California and a mission trip to Mexico. They needed to raise $9,000 - and they did. Not just with this dinner - but through car washes, bake sales, chili's feeds ... these kids absolutely pull together and get it done.

And they are talented too. Musically, artistically, dramatically. It just cool stuff to watch them in action - I couldn't help but think if I had met just one kid like any of these kids, when I was their age ... well my life would have certainly turned out differently.

They are on fire for Jesus and there is just no other way to put it. I am so grateful that Christ led me to the church ... I know it is going to do wonders for my kids as they grow older ...

Let's see ... Thursday was get the house clean and back in working order day. I did and it was ... until yesterday :O)

Friday I cooked more or less the entire day. I made treats to take to the Women's retreat rehearsal on Saturday - which didn't actually happen, but that is an entirely different story.

Then I started on the Italian Layered Meatloaf that I made for the auction winners (I'll fill you in on that later).

Saturday ... hmmmm .... more cooking. I went to deliver the treats to the church - only to discover that the date they needed them was actually next month ... ah well. So, we went home to put together the meatloaves ... and then delivered them last night.

Whew. It was a week I'm tellin' you! There was more, I know ... but my brain is a little hazy right now and I am going back to church in a couple of hours for Alpha - so I think I am going to take a cat nap :O)

Nettie

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.- Romans 8:38-39

Back on the saddle. My testimony - Part 4.

2007-02-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Things have been quite hectic here ... really that is not new or different in any way, it just means that I am not as good at multitasking with this blog thing as I thought I could be ...

and so, we left off here:

Then my life really started to unravel ...

I guess I can start by saying – again – I have been an average gal. So, like the average couple … that starts dating and living together too young and has children without really talking about what that means … NFH and I just couldn’t keep it together.

We tried. We sought counseling, we had many (many, many, many) heart to heart talks about where we were failing as a couple. But ultimately, we had different ideas about life and an inability to work together on the future.

Sadness. Relief. Fear. Confusion. Nervous excitement. Release. Deep grief. Panic.
Those are just a few of the feelings that ran through my brain. That life was all I had ever really known. How do you move on from there?

As much as I knew it was the right thing, it was so hard to let go of that past … the familiar. There is a saying; it is better to dance with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. My take - it is a lot easier to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable than it is to move on to the unknown uncomfortableness …

So there I was; a single mom, two kids, a career gal, living in a tiny apartment ... trying to figure out what I would do with the rest of my life.

Wouldn’t this have been the perfect time to delve more deeply into my quest for God, religion, and the feeling I had been searching for? Absolutely. Did I? Not so much. The kids and I continued to attend church sporadically, trying to get connected, but never really doing so.
I won’t make this a long story, this part is too much about other people (not the story I want to tell here), so I will just fast forward to … I met my current husband, we got married, I got a new (better) job, we bought a house, I felt closer to my children – felt like a much better wife/mother/friend/person.

Hubby and I agreed that religion was an important aspect for the children – and us. He though, was raised similarly to my parents and was a little gun shy at actually getting involved … but he did to a certain extent.

We test drove a few local churches, but ultimately ended up back at the big box church. We settled in there, contributed our money, attended various meetings, but still didn’t get connected.

Enter a new baby.

It was almost like an instant replay ... someone, seemingly concerned, let me know that there was a family room that new baby and I could sit in and enjoy the message via shoddy microphone and tiny television screen. Now new baby was not making any noise, she was much quieter than DD2 and really mostly slept throughout the service. But I was told multiple times, throughout the same service, about the family room. I am sure that the thought was; this was for my comfort - but I didn't feel comforted, I felt banished.

My question then, and now, how do I teach my children to behave in church (or even public) if I don’t let them go to church?

Hubby was a little turned off by this as well, but we kept going.

For a while. Off and on.

Enter new baby 2.

Something about having babies makes you think more about the future.

And then issues with DD1 started and we knew that we must attend church – regularly. Our blended family needed this.

And so we did. We took the kids to the church. They went off to their fun classes and Hubby and I sat in the family room, trying to get the message.

This leads me back to My Testimony - Part 1 ... before I decided I should back up and give you some history ... so here goes; this is the testimony (give or take a few details, names, etc.) that I shared with my church when I became baptized:

Following many events that lead DD1 to go live with her father, a mother of one of my daughter’s friends asked me if I would like to join a woman’s Bible study group. This was an extremely emotional time in my life and her call came just in time.

I started going to this woman’s group and felt so out of place, these were woman who clearly knew the Bible, knew the Lord and had personal relationships with Him. From the outside, the all seemed so together – it didn’t take long for them to dispel that myth!

I began to feel at home with them and looked forward to my Bible study nights. However, I continued to search for the feeling, I wanted what they had - it just wasn’t coming, I prayed with my new friends, I gained some understanding of the Bible, but I was just not feeling it.

During this time, my relationship with DD1 deteriorated, we didn’t speak to one another for a few months; life at home grew worse as my depression grew worse and worse. I was in such constant inner turmoil that my job became affected as well.

Shortly thereafter my depression was so deep that it was determined that I could no longer work (by me, my counselor and my husband - and to the releif of my employer, I am sure). I quit my job and began staying at home with my children. I thought this would help, it didn’t! Things got worse, I could hardly leave the house, I cried all the time, and I had many thoughts of suicide. As my depression and anxiety grew, my Dr. prescribed a number of medications.

Then one morning I decided to attend the church that I had heard about; it was closer to my home and smaller than BBC. When I walked into the small church, I was immediately welcomed by so many people; I wasn’t sure how to take it all!

There were a couple of friends there, astonished to see me! And after the service hubby and I were introduced to many (many!) people – they really seemed to care that we were there and that others met us. I left feeling like this was the kind of church I would like to attend if I was “together “enough.

Though it was my intention, I didn’t return to TSC the next few weeks, DD2 just did not want to consider going to a church other than BBC. I asked the ladies in my woman’s group to pray for guidance and I know they did!

Because God stepped in.

On July 3rd, I lost my purse – through out the day I had taken all of the important things out of my purse – my keys, my wallet, my cell phone – so the only thing left in my purse was all of my medication for depression and anxiety. All of it! I never carried it all with me and don’t know why I had it all that day.

Since I was no longer employed and had no medical insurance, I could not refill my prescriptions. I just had to tough it out. I was a BASKET case! I had the shakes, I felt like my skin was crawling and I literally bit a whole in my lip trying to hold my tongue in dealing with my husband and kids.

On July 5th my DD1 came to the birthday party of NB1. She only stayed for an hour and a half or so, but if was obvious that she missed us. We didn’t talk much but there was a little ease in the air.

The following week she called to see if I would come and have lunch with her. It would take some doing, as she was living a ways away ... but we agreed on the July 15th.

On that day, everything went wrong; my baby sitter showed up late, I had to trade cars with my husband, traffic was terrible and I didn’t arrive for our “lunch” until almost 3pm.

DD1 and I had lunch, talked about nothing in particular and acknowledged that we missed one another. We hung out for 3 whole hours, more than we had in months. It was awkward and nice .. a good step.

On my way home the car only got FM radio – it was Rap or the local Christian station, I chose the latter.

While driving, I heard the emotional story of Tammy Trent – something inside me just started to break, I began crying about 70 miles from home and did not stop the ENTIRE WAY home.

But for once – it was a good cry. I FELT THE FEELING! I felt as if something was washing over me …

When I finally reached home, I could hardly speak - Hubby was certain something had gone terribly wrong w/DD1, and I just couldn't explain the feeling to him. So, I called my neighbor, intending to casually fill her in on the lunch, but instead when I got on the phone with her all I could say is “will you pray with me?”

She ran to my house in seconds! She gave it to me straight, telling me that I knew what to do! I needed to stop wallowing in my depression, be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter to our Father and live in His Word!

Hurumph! Weeks before I would not have accepted those words form her, I would have been angry, but on that day it was exactly what I needed!

On Sunday, July 17th, I walked in to TSC, alone and terrified. I think I knew inside that I had to make a change – I just had no idea what the next step was.

I took NB1 & 2 to the nursery, something I hadn’t ever done before (at BBC) and I sat in the back ... the waaayyyy back.

As the gentleman (I'll call him Father Figure, was filling in for the regular Pastor that day) lead the service, I cried through the entire thing!

The entire service was filled with testimonials of those that had seen the Lord working in their lives. At the end of the service, FF said that he wasn’t going to close in song, as usual; instead he was going to sit up front because he knew that “someone” needed to speak to him.

Well, it wasn’t going to be me – no way! I stood at the back and waited, knowing that “someone” would certainly go up and talk to him and I could go home.

It didn’t happen and as I stood there, something pulled me to FF and before I knew it I was sobbing and trying to talk to him. At some point his wife (Mother Figure) joined him and FF asked me if I had ever accepted Christ, I had not … all he had to say was “you want to, don’t you?” I could only nod.

FF and MF prayed with me, what I know know was the Believers Prayer, and again, the feeling was there. It was amazing and scary all at the same time.

After speaking with them, they found my friend my good friend A for me and told her what had happened. She told me that she had tried all day on the 15th to reach of me and when she couldn’t she started praying for me ... at exactly the same time that I was listening to the Tammy Trent story. Spooky!

A invited me and the girls to sit with her family, as the church was having an all church BBQ – she shared her blanket and her food and my children ran from blanket to blanket and people who had never met them before shared their food and hugged my kids. They had such a great time! It was sooo wonderful to see them so happy!

When I picked up DD2 later that day, I sortof filled her in on the days events and about this new small church - and do you know what she said? She said; 'Mama, if you think this is where we should be, then I'll go.' My child, so reluctant to change, understood that this was where we needed to be.

Now I would LOVE to say that is has been all smooth sailing since then ... but it just isn't true. When I first told my neighbor that I had accepted Christ as My Savior, she said; 'Now you know, you have just angered the Devil and he will seek out your soul again, making things difficult for you' ... she couldn't have been more right.

Satan has, many times, stepped up his plight in my life - sometimes he gets small successes, I become weak and question my faith - but all in all, I continue to put all of my FAITH in Him who sent his son, to suffer and die for My sins. Because my Father chose ME.

No, it isn't simple, this loving Jesus thing ... but if it was, would it be nearly as rewarding?

Nettie

“[Love] If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Some days are like that.

2007-02-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

I suppose I could say some lives are like that.

I could say that today. But instead I will say that I know God has a plan for me, for my life, for my future. His will for me is good and right and true.

Some days it is just harder to see that than others.

I prayed with my daughter this morning, we don't do that often - we are learning. It still feels a little odd, obligatory maybe … but I know it takes practice to make new habits.

Yesterday I read Psalms 34 - I think I need to read it every single day!

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

a break

2007-02-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

It is more than a little overwhelming to continue on about where I have been … I needed a bit of a break.
Today, when I sum up my life … I think of the washing machine …
You know how when you continue to fill up your washing machine until you reach maximum capacity .. whether it means that your clothes will be fully cleaned or not … you just keep shoving them in there – to see how much the machine can handle … yea, that’s my life right now. Just shoving it all in there, to see how much I can fit, regardless of how well it all turns out.
That is my life. In all of its insanity - and my own sadness ...
more to come.

Blessings to you ....

Nettie

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

Boy am I long winded .. My testimony - Part 3

2007-01-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

Of course, after spilling your guts in cyberspace you tend to rethink things … well at least I do, but then again I do that often – rethink things, overthink things, think things to death … that’s me.

And so, I was trying to figure out when religion really became important to me. When I gave it more thought, deemed it more important.

Like many, I think that life changed a lot - regarding family, health and religion - with the birth of my first child (DD). Obviously a life altering experience for most women, I was no exception there. And I am sure that I was not the exception when it came to wanting to know more …

More about myself, more about my family and more about God…normal average stuff, right? I wish I could say that it spurred me to move forward and find my faith. I sooo wish it had. But mostly I just thought about it all more, and knew even less what to do about it.

While pregnant with my second child (DD2), I knew that I really needed to make some life changes, and I absolutely knew that it needed to start with God. I didn't know where to go and I certainly wasn't going to talk about it - that would have violated the my life is mostly perfect mantra that I was busy chanting.

I am not sure what prompted my first trip to, what would later become, the big box church, but I made the visit - heavily pregnant with DD2 - with DD and my (now former) husband in tow. I remember vividly sitting in the hot building, listening to the booming music - music - certainly not like any church music I had heard before - and a Pastor with a message that instantly brought me to tears.

I recall being excited that it wasn't stuffy; that NFH didn't seem to mind the music or the message ... it seemed like a cool place. We kept going, for a while. And then I tried to keep going when we didn't go.

But, I stopped going - for multiple reasons ... because we weren't going, because no one really seemed to notice us, because they talked about money a lot (in an uncomfortable - to me- sort of way), and finally because I was told that I needed to take DD2 to the family room because she was too noisy ... I didn't want to go to church, but not be at church - sorta took away from the whole thing for me.

Then my life really started to unravel ...

and so I leave you with this; “You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.”- Psalm 86:5

Nettie

My testimony - Part 2

2007-01-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

Right ... so back on the saddle again ...

Religion, faith, fellowship, God ... things that I grew up with out.

I would like to think it wasn’t planned that way … that my parents just didn’t know how to bring religion into our home, in a positive manner, so instead they just omitted it altogether.

That’s what I would like to think … I don’t know really, because it was not something we spoke about – ever.

I remember feeling like I had to sneak church. Isn’t that funny? Again, I doubt that this was their intention, but that is how I interpreted it. I laugh now, because I recall saying things like we're going skating or to the movies, or over to so-and-so's house to play, but instead I went to church outings. Not that it happened a lot, I am sure it was only a few times ... but they are vivid memories, none the less.

While I'm at it, I should say this; it isn't like I spent all or even most of my time in search of organized religion or a church family ... not the case. I was an average kid, in an average home, surrounded by other average homes and families ... most of them didn't go to church. Most people I knew didn't go to church.

The thing was when I saw glimpses of a churchy family, I wanted to know more. But I was a normal, average kid and since it wasn't exactly encouraged, my curiosity didn't usually last long or provide any meaningful answers.

Ironically, I think if I had been some sort of hell-raiser, I would have been more likely to end up under someone's wing ... maybe, maybe not ... anyway, I was just average - which isn't a bad thing.

Ok, I just had to say that ... because I don't know what my parents take was on the whole deal ... I just know that I never felt like it was something that we, as a family, would do.

Like I said before, I am a rambler ... sorry.

When I was a little older, I joined Rainbow for Girls (the International Order of the ...) - now you would think, considering the organizations mission, I would have found religion, God or whatever it was that I was searching for ...

What is Rainbow?
Rainbow is a non-profit, service-oriented organization that teaches girls three basic virtues: Faith in a Supreme Being and other people, having Hope in all that they do, and Charity toward others.

Even as I just looked at the website, I can't help but think that I missed the boat somewhere ... maybe I wasn't paying attention? Maybe I didn't do it right?

But I had to have paid some attention, I mean I made it all the way to Worthy Advisor, which I know required a fair amount of memorization of key verses ... I know that I got my first Bible* when I became Worthy Advisor at 16. I remember having fun ... and although I see it speaks of Religious Traditions, I don't remember talking about God or church ... much.

Maybe I wasn't average ... maybe I was dim ...

Now I am confused ... not what I intended as I started this post, or even this blog really. I guess you will learn about me, as I learn about me. I intended this to be about my Faith Journey ... but I guess that all of this is what got me here ...

Movin' on.

So, I went to Rainbow, more or less regularly from 12-20. I'll just say that it likely kept me out of more trouble than I would have gotten into if I had not attended – whew that was a mouthful.

I moved out of my house young. Too young. I worked hard, which I think became my religion - you know, the almighty dollar. Also ... I just had to survive, to prove that I could.

Here and there I would try a new church, but I just never found a place that stuck with me. I can blame it on a lot of things - things similar to my parent's experiences ... I had a lot of friends that partied hard all week, went to church on Sunday to repent ... and them back to the partying, adultery and such on Monday ...

The more professional I became, the more I noticed the same tendencies in the most successful people around me. They proclaimed one thing - a love of God, a belief in His word - but generally did something else entirely; lie, cheat, steal, curse, abuse their power, sexually harass others ... you know, all of the normal - acceptable stuff in the business world.

I had mostly forgotten about my personal quest for religion - there was the occasional flicker, but it didn't burn long.

I met a really great friend when I was about 21-22, a first-rate business person, an incredible mentor and a firm believer to boot. I had such a desire for that faith ... I guess I coveted his faith ... I wanted to be around him so that it just might, by chance, rub off on me and make me the kind of believer that he was ...

Bits and pieces ... I got some of his faith in bits and pieces, but I guess I wasn't ready yet, because I continued to make the same mistakes over and over again. Nothing too terrible mind you, but mistakes I pray my children won't have to repeat.

... well, I have to close now ... I have a toddler that needs my attention -
Stick with me, it get's better I promise.

Nettie

“Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.”- Mark 9:35

* A small white New Testament with my name embossed on the cover - I still have it ... but I didn't realize it was actually for reading, I was told to keep it in the box for safekeeping, which I did.

My testimony - Part 1

2007-01-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

In the years before giving my life to Christ, my life was filled with turmoil, conflict and a deep depression. I was constantly trying to “find” my place – at work, home, in my marriage, in my parenting, in a church – I was not succeeding at any of them. In fact, I felt as if I was losing everything, including my mind.

I had everything to be thankful for, but something was missing. I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness, even in a crowded room.

I spent the eight or nine years (off and on) attending a big box church in my area. I tried to sign up for different events, small groups, etc. but never got connected. I never even received a call about small groups; I never experienced a feeling of belonging.

About two years ago, I found myself searching for what I call the feeling; you know the one, right? The one that people talk about when they know that Christ is on their side ... when they are surrounded by His love and secure in their place in His Kingdom. A solid feeling, a connection point, an unconditional acceptance ... yea, I was searching for that feeling.

For years, I think I was longing for a relationship with Christ; I said I was a believer, a Christian, a lover of God ... but I wasn't following and I most certainly did not know Him.

Perhaps I should back up a little ...

I didn't grow up knowing about God ... sure, I got the basics here and there, but not in my home. Because of the way that my parents we raised - hypocritical hell-fire and brimstone, damned if you, damned if you don’t, go to church on Sunday – repent and return to sinning on Monday … you get the point (there’s more to that story, but it isn’t mine to tell – it just affected my *religious* upbringing, or lack there of …) -

I am a rambler ... so I will just apologize up front - but this is my story and I think I need to tell it ...

-- and so ... because of the way they were raised, my parents did not want to inflict religion on their children. They didn’t want to force us into something that we might not believe in … so, as a family, we did nothing. No church, no Bible, no prayer … nothing. We never talked about God.

I had friends who went to church, and I would occasionally tag along ... I went to just about every denomination out there ... Lutheran, Catholic, LDS/Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness
Reformed, Presbyterian ... just to name a few :O)

I seem to recall attending Awana a few times; I couldn't tell you who took me, but I can say that I distinctly recall not understanding the verses and such -- since I didn't actually have a Bible for explanation, I am sure it was not easy … I also recall that it was in a gym and was quite chaotic ... and that I just didn’t fit in … Oops, there I go rambling again ...

So, you can see, my early religious experiences were few and far between ... not meaningful or even exceedingly memorable. I was a kid who fell through the cracks ... in more ways than one.

... Nettie

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have something to say.

2007-01-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

At least that is what my husband said.

My husband is not what you would call ... computer savvy. So I was surprised when he asked me a few weeks ago, if I had a blog. Normally he stumbles with the technical terms associated with computers, and especially the internet ... so I was stunned that he knew what a blog was.

When I responded that I did not have a blog, but did enjoy reading them, he surprised me once again. He said 'you have something to say; something of importance. Something that could help others if you could reach them.'

Wow. Quite a statement ... from a guy who thinks people spend too much time on the computer - myself included. And what a vote of confidence ... for him to think that I might be able to influence people from my kitchen table ...

So, here I am. It took me some time. I needed to understand what it is I have to offer … in writing. In person, it’s a bit easier; I nurturer and encourage others easily, I readily offer up some good food to those in need, I can provide respite for a mom on the edge. All pretty tangible things.

But writing, that’s a different story … I am not a writer, at least not in my mind. I am not really a talker either ... and actually I am not a good sharer ... at least not when it comes to my life and feelings.

So you can see why I needed to understand where this was going.

In addition to that, and more importantly, I had to know what God would like me to say. That is tricky stuff for me. You see, I fairly new to this whole Christianity thing; I have gone through life believing in Jesus, but only recently (July 17, 2005) began my relationship with Him. I have been dubbed a baby Christian, a new believer, or Beginner Christian … all fairly appropriate titles.

Hence, I am still learning to include God in my decision making process … admittedly, I have not yet mastered that skill – not even close! I do, however, find myself surrounded by people who have and I marvel in their contentment, their peace when a decision or choice is arrived at.

And there you have it … my forum.

My journey of falling in love and remaining in love with Jesus, including Him in my daily thoughts, decisions, choices, activities … my feeble attempts to incorporate Him in everything I do … my edification in the Word … my desire to be as forgiving as I have been forgiven … my knowledge that simply accepting Christ does not equal a simple life.

I have no doubt that there are others who believed that once they accepted Christ it was going to be smooth sailing, happy times ... sunshine and rainbows, I like to say ... yea, um not so much. The tough stuff is still there, the challenges don't go away, and bad things still happen - the difference is ... now, you are not in it alone.

Say it with me: I AM NOT ALONE. Whew, isn't that a terrific thing.

But, I forget that sometimes, we all do. I slip back into old patterns, I hang on to deep-rooted hurts and doubts like a tattered blanket ... this causes me to doubt my value to Jesus, how could He possibly love a failure like me?

Well, I could go on and on … I guess I have no trouble writing … whether it is interesting is up to you.

It has been an interesting journey thus far … I have no doubt that it will continue to be a rocky road … come on along, if you like.

Most Sincerely,

Nettie