I know you are there God.

It's me, Nettie.

Do you remember the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?

I don't remember the book, so much as the book title. I am pretty certain that I read it, along with most of Judy Blume's books ... but I really couldn't tell you specifically what it was about.

I do, however, imagine that this is how many of us feel ... from time to time, or very often. I know I do. I know in my heart of hearts that He is always there. That He has a plan for me ... that He will use me in ways that I simply can not imagine.

But yet, sometimes I still flounder. I still doubt, not relying on Him enough. Wishing He would show me more. Let me in on the secret so that I can better understand why things are the way they are.

Right now is one of those times. I hate being one of those people. You know, the ones where something is always wrong. But that seems to be me. Something is always off. Whether it is my health, my marriage, my family, finances ... there is always something and sometimes it is everything.

Lately it feels more overwhelming than it has in the past --- and then not. My health is not good. I notice that as my physical health wanes, so does my mental health.

I suffer from migraines. I have for 30 years. Sometimes they are manageable, and other times I am inconsolable with pain. They are almost always there, lurking in the background waiting to break free and throw me into isolation.

When things are at their worst, I get a mild case of Agoraphobia. While I do experience the fear of leaving the house for multiple reasons, I am more overwhelmed with the idea of having to explain myself, my current state, again (and again, and again).

I hate it that I can almost never say that I am not in pain. That, unless I lie outright, I must admit that I am riddled with pain -- and then the sadness that follows the pain. I hate it that I seem to have no control over this pain. That I can not manage it. That is takes away from my life and moreover, that it takes away from the lives of my children and husband. They absolutely live with it as much as I do.

I tire from naming off the vast number of solutions and procedures I have tried. I feel bad when people suggest I try that *new* OTC Migraine medication (Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil), because I am caught somewhere between a laugh and a cry ... they don't work and I wish something did. And I wish they were new to me, but they aren't - ever.

The last few weeks have been draining. Mentally and physically. I have had some of my worst migraines in years and am experiencing multiple other unexplainable ailments.

I had two MRI's last week and then got the call saying that there was nothing detectable. I wept. Not that I want there to be something bad, just that I want to know why this is happening -- I want to know that I am not just crazy. I feel so isolated in this place. I can share my feelings with a few ... but I can't begin to explain the helpless feeling. This dread.

And yet ... I know He is there. And that there is a reason for this. That my suffering is not for no reason. I don't doubt that, I just don't know how to find peace in it.

I know you are there God ... and I need you!

Nettie

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Nearly two months

I would like to say that things have changed dramatically -- as I had hoped, wished - prayed for.

They haven't.

And as I type this I am keenly aware that I have not prayed correctly. Or rather I have not prayed specifically. I have not asked God for any specifics ... how can He answer my prayers if I don't tell Him what I am praying for.

I have been here, floundering about, knowing that I needed to change, that I needed A change ... but not really asking for the guidance of the only one who can make it happen. How silly am I?

This time I had almost forgotten about this blog. I came back to it by happenstance. But I realize that a coincidence isn't always a coincidence.

I was reading the new blog of my friend (The Chronicles of Isaiah ) this morning ... you see her family is adopting from China - for the second time - and the entire experience seems to be coming together through a number of coincidences ... or not.

I read her words and I can not help but realize that the coincidences in my life are leading me somewhere as well. I might need to be more diligent - more purposeful - in my prayers ... but I also need to stop disregarding the coincidences.

I have a job interview-ish today. Normally I would be nervous -- but right now I just know that God has His hand on this one ... I am going to trust Him fully.

Nettie

PS - I will be back!


Isaiah 53

1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.