Loss

It has been a month and still I can't find the words.

One month ago today, we said goodbye to my little brother. The one I fought with, cried with, hugged with ... and ultimately severed all ties with.

I never guess that it would be forever. I really thought that there would be a day that we would reconnect and have the relationship we were meant to have.

I loved him. That never stopped. I just couldn't live with his decisions, his actions, his ultimate anger.

He had reason to be angry ... but it didn't make it an acceptable presence in our lives.

Had I known of his ultimate pain ... the pain that would cause him to take his own life ... would I have done things differently? Like in the movies ... I could rush in at the last minute and show him that life, even with extreme pain, is worth living. But this isn't the movies. It is real life. Real pain. Real endings. Real loss.

Loss that leaves behind so many unanswered questions. So much blame and destruction.

I pray that he is at peace. That the hand of our Lord is upon him. I pray that I will see him in heaven ... as the brother that I loved, laughed and lived with.

I pray that my parents will find strength in Christ. That his children will not blame themselves. That wounded relationships can be healed.

One month later ... I just pray.

Nettie

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Going, going, gone.

No, not me.

I am sure it seems as if I am going. That this is a place that I visit rather than live. I guess in a way it is ... not because I don't want to reside in this place ... I would love to have the time to write, vent, wax and wane some less than poetic musings ... I long to get it all out of my system. But life continues to get in the way.

So, PS is gone. Moved on to his calling ... and while I am glad for him, I am still mournful - selfishly of course. But not just for myself, but for those who will have the opportunity to be blessed by his grace and wisdom. Obviously he will still be touching the lives of many ... just differently.

The weeks are flying by now. I thought that things might slow down once school started, but that has NOT been the case. Each day goes by at a rapid pace ... I can hardly keep up. But I am managing. Mostly keeping my head above water.

The new job is going well. Such a blessing to me - and my family. I hope that I am able to keep up!!

I did a whole lotta organizing today. A friend, who is especially talented at such things, came over and helped me clean out the stuffed to the gills extra room. It looks terrific. Peaceful even. It may just become my hiding spot! shhhh.

My sweet kindergartner is adjusting to school. I wish I could put into words what it does to my heart when I see her walking into the school ... just like the big kids. She seems so big until I see her next all of the big kids.

My 6th grader is doing well too. This is her year to be social. She seems to have more friends now that I have ever seen her have before. Hooray for her.

And that littlest one is doing ok, being the only one at home. She is a little more destructive these days ... a challenge for certain ... but we are managing.

Last week I managed to take a few moments every day, before everyone woke up, and sit quietly with my Bible and pray for a little bit. I am still not good at it, but I am trying ...

Well, I suppose that is all I can add today.

Hope the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

Nettie

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. Psalm 10:15

Winding down

Things as we know it are winding down.

In a few short weeks, our wonderful Pastor (PS) will depart the pulpit … and while I am deeply saddened about this, I am grateful for the time that I have gotten to know him as my Pastor.

I am also excited abut the possibilities that await him professionally. Our churches loss is the gain of many couples currently struggling in their relationships.

When I get beyond feeling anxious, I can also say that I am excited about the endless possibilities in store for our church. I am sure that some will desert … not being able to cope with such a loss … but the rest of us – we’re gonna hang in there and figure out how to make it – better … no not better … just as good, but different. Sometimes change, even reluctant change, can be a good thing. I don’t think it has to diminish from the wonderful job that PS has done … its just hard to see that different is bearable, or dare I say pleasing, until you faced with the opportunity of different.

Activity is swirling in these final weeks … child dedication is on the rise, celebrations are planned, and I have no doubt that more than a few couples are seeking some last minute free words of wisdom.

PS preached on Ephesians 4 - Unity in the Body of Christ – today. What a powerful message for our church. As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about how this relates to not only the church, but also our home and work lives. It seems – to me – that finding unity in the church is so much easier than at home or work … unity = harmony? Yea, I don’t see that nearly as often as I would like.

Living as Children of Light

Is tolerance easier at church? For me it is. I can excuse those around me because I easily give them the benefit of the doubt – I give them grace, as they have given me. But why is it that the minute we (some) pull out of the parking lot, we are so easily led to judge?

I am certainly guilty. I can’t tell you how many times I have left church only to get behind someone doing something foolish in the car in front of me. Of course I attempt to temper my words – but do I temper my mind? Not so easily.

How quickly we move to the dark side. And I don’t mean that we all run out of church and commit adultery or kill … but how often do we hang out after church and gossip about others? Compare notes and stories about them?

Is this not an equal sin?

I’m just thinkin’ …

Nettie


Ephesians 4
Unity with Christ
As a prisoner of the Lord, I beg you to live in a way that is worthy of the people God has chosen to be his own.
Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace.
All of you are part of the same body. There is only one Spirit of God, just as you were given one hope when you were chosen to be God's people.
We have only one Lord, one faith, and one baptism.
There is one God who is the Father of all people.
Not only is God above all others, but he works by using all of us, and he lives in all of us.

Loss

I realize as I get older, that loss comes in many forms. More than I can possibly keep track of.


There was certainly a loss of innocence when I went through my divorce.



A loss of ... certainty ... confidence when DD1 moved away.

A loss of humility with the birth of my 4th child.


The heart ache of loss each time a loved on passes.

Deep saddening loss when someone you think you can count on lets you down ...

I have experienced a fair share of loss, certainly not as much as some I know ... but enough to know the pain.

Today I experienced a different sort of loss ...

You know, I am new to the church membership thing ... I have long gone to church, but only the last couple of years belonged to a church -- so I am not sure how to word or deal with the sense of loss that I feel today.

Our Pastor is leaving. His reasons are valid and true; he feels God's calling in a new direction ... how can one argue with that?

He has been with this church for well over a decade; far longer than most Pastor's stay with a congregation - but he has only been with me for two years ... I am not done yet. I am not done learning from him, getting to know him, encouraging him ... loving him and his wonderful family. I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

And I am not ready to start over. I have only just gotten comfortable sharing my faith with people ... I am not ready to start over, reveal myself to another person who shouldn't judge me but might. What if the new Pastor isn't as kind ... as understanding ... as passionate about the things that made this church home for me ...

I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

But he is ... and ultimately he has to follow the call ... and I will be happy for him and his family. And I will welcome the new Pastor and pray for the congregation - that we can make a change like this and have it be a good one ...

Blessings ...

Nettie

God Is Our Refuge


God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore will we not fear, though the earth do change,

and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas;

Though the waters thereof roar and foam,

though the mountains shake at the swelling thereof. Selah

There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God,

the holiest dwelling-place of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her,

at the approach of morning.

Nations were in tumult, kingdoms were moved;

He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

HaShem of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our high tower. Selah

Come, behold the works of HaShem,

who hath made desolations in the earth.

He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth;

He breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder;

He burneth the chariots in the fire.

'Let be, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.'


- Psalms 46: 2-11