Googling the past

There was a time, not so long ago, when the past was the past.
Relationships were declared over, and they were. Simply done.

Enter the Internet. Google. Facebook, MySpace. Reunion.Com. An endless supply of information.
A plethora of potential.

Here you have the opportunity to connect with the long lost friend, the former teacher, mentor, tormentor, the misc. relatives, one that could have been ...

Come on, admit it. You have Googled the names. The friendships gone bad. Relationships better left done. His name. Her name. Their names together. Some nights the curiosity is too much. You are swept away in the past, the what was. The what could have been.

Perhaps it is the recent milestone. Maybe it has caused me to wonder about all of those who were. It has been decades instead of mere years. It feels safe to wonder now. To know now. I am softer, surely they must be as well.

It starts out easy and innocent. Just the wondering what they are up to now. Kids or not. Partner or not. Job or not. Success. You just want to know.

The you start to type the letters ... T, o, m* ... you hit enter and pow! There they are. A picture. A city. An address. A wife/husband/partner. Kids, job, hobbies ... all there. Wonder no more. Now you have knowledge.

And yet you still wonder. How are they really? And, come on, what you really want to know is; do they still think of you? Do they still harbor ill feelings or is it safe to talk? To connect.

It is simple really, just the click of a button and you can be "friends" ... you can start over. It's tempting isn't it? Reconnecting with the past.

It doesn't hurt anything ... anyone.

Except it can. Can't it? Isn't there a reason that things are in the past? A reason that the one that got away, well, got away.

There is something to be said for moving on. Even more to be said for staying in the present.

Just more random thoughts today.

Nettie

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Melonchaoly days

The date is looming. You know, the big milestone I referred to earlier.



My mind is filled with random musings ... I can't quite think straight ... yet there are things I want to say.



I don't really mind getting older. It is, after all, just a number. I feel younger now than I did ten years ago. I know I look better. I know I smarter. I know I am happier. Those things won't change - much :)



What I do mind ... the loss ...

The loss of time. The loss of experience(s). Things I can't re-do or undo. Honestly, I am sad because I just want to slow things down for a bit. I want to relish more. Yet, I know that time will continue to speed by and I will be at a loss to do anything differently.



I never made it a secret that I wanted more children .. I know, I know, I have 4 .. surely that is enough. I know it is and He has blessed me so much with my lovely girls. And yet, I feel the ache. It echo's through my soul and engulfs my every thought. It is silly ... I had such a difficult time - every time. But I can't shake the ache.



I think I am also conflicted because life just isn't what I thought it would be ... but I don't know what I really thought it would be. I had ideas of what should happen, but I didn't have a clear path of how to get there. And maybe that is part of it ... I have just sort of let life happen.



Is that a bad thing? Things that I never dreamt would happen have blessed my life, if I had known, would I have messed it up?

Fears have certainly been realized - bigger than I could have imagined ... had I known, what could I have done differently? Would I do with out these experiences?

Regrets have plagued me. Will always plague me. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's in life



I regret that I didn't take more time with people. That I didn't talk to strangers. That I didn't say I'm Sorry more. That I didn't sit quietly. That I looked forward and not around. That I didn't take more chances. Laughed more. Cried more.

Here I sit rambling ... so much I want to say, and yet the words escape me.

Perhaps I shall just try embrace the day, the milestones and stop wallowing in the "small stuff" ... let the trumpets sound.

Nettie

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. — 1 Corinthians 15:51-53

Age and hovering

I am close to reaching a milestone. You know, one of those that seemed soooo old when you were a kid. One you couldn't really imagine reaching ... but being quite certain that when you did life would be grand ... or complete, or easy, or maybe predictable.

hmmmm .... here is what I have learned - NOT SO MUCH.

It isn't all that different now than it was, say, twenty years ago. The happiness comes in a different package, with a slightly more colorful bow. The sorrows may reach a bit farther down to your soul, and the tears may flow a little more freely. But mostly, things are similar.

I think I have mentioned before that I never quite felt like I *fit in* as a kid. Or a teen ... and then imagine my dismay when I didn't quite measure up (in my mind) as a adult.

I vividly recall being the girl from the trailer park. My clothes NEVER really came from the right place. And even when I could talk my way into some designer duds (anyone remember A. Smile overalls/jeans?!?), they just didn't seem to fit me the way they fit everyone else.

I attempted the hair cuts (Dorothy Hamill Wedge, Farrah Fawcett Feathered Shag, Cyndi Lauper shaved side, multi colored do) ... well, I'll just say it wasn't pretty! I tried to be funny, witty, sarcastic, tough ... but I was never quick enough to succeed at these. I wasn't exceptionally (or moderately) bright. I wasn't pretty, nor was I ugly. I was average.

And so I hovered. In the middle of things. Not quite fitting into to any one group. I wasn't comfortable enough to hang out with the popular crowd, yet I wasn't bad enough to hang out with the rebels. I am sure there were a lot of us hovering in the middle ... but we didn't seem to find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Funny, this hovering as a child and teen was sort of the pre cursor to my hovering in my search for Christ ... I sort of sat on the fence, waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was worthy of His love -- crazy, huh? It took a long time to discover that I was enough. Just the way I was.

Perhaps if I had known as a child, a teen, a young adult, that I was enough I would have hovered less and enjoyed more. I would have made friends and memories.

I had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with a number of the people that I grew up with. I say that lightly ... I grew up around them. Watching them. Wondering how to be like them. To have it so together.

I must confess that I was incredibly nervous for this event. Where would I possibly fit in? Surely they are all far more successful than I. They must have it more together than I do. They must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then.

I skipped my 20 year reunion, because I was simply too anxious about all of these things. Knowing that I would go and still be the girl from the trailer park. It was too much for me.

So ... I went into the night bolstering myself with a false confidence ... but it was enough. I knew that it was one night and if I still didn't fit it ... what did it really matter? Don't I have the one on my side that really matters.

Here's what I learned ... I still hover.

I hovered between two tables.
Those who know me as I am today, who came to a party that they weren't really a part of, who encouraged me to just go over and talk, even though it meant leaving them to fend for themselves.
And those who knew me when. Who seemed interested in what I had to say, who readily admitted that they didn't have it all together, who only vaguely mentioned the trailer park, and who seemed to accept me as I am.

At each table, I was enough.

and it felt good.

Nettie

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6

Addiction or hobby

Okay, so I admit it - I succumb easily to addictions. No, not alcohol, drugs or sex ... but FADS. I can switch them fast and furious. A new hobby here equals a formerly *important* hobby being tossed out the window.

Take Facebook vs. Blogging.
This new (to me - I have no idea how long it has been around) fad has practically taken over my life. I take a break every now and then to ... ummm actually work and care for my family, but while I am completing the necessary tasks of life I can't help but wonder;
who might have written on my wall
requested/accepted my friendship
tagged me in a photo
thrown a snowball at me
danced with my avatar on YoVille

The possibilities are endless, the happenings vast ... I can hardly tear myself away, but how do I explain this to my children - or my husband, who does not get it at all!!!

Are you facing such an addiction? Facebook, YouTube, Wikipedia, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger.
Or am I the only one? Do I need help? I don't really think I have a *problem* ... at least I am not ready to fully accept it at this point!
Nettie

10 Signs You’re Addicted To Facebook

1. You log into Facebook before checking your regular email.
2. You check Facebook daily, multiple times a day, or all day. (From the Blackberry!)
3. Your brain filters everything through Facebook now. You think, “How can I promote, or market, or share, or propagate this on Facebook?”
4. You trawl your address book for who hasn’t signed up yet, or who you haven’t invited yet.
5. You get a bigger buzz from the number of new friends who accepted your add request than you do from a trip to Starbucks. (Yeah, I know, a tough one to beat!)
6. You update your status frequently to put a feed on your friends’ profiles.
7. Hours pass before you realize you’ve done nothing but surf Facebook.
8. You carry your laptop with wi-fi wherever you go… just in case.
9. You find yourself thinking about Facebook when you’re away from your computer… Facebook even pops into your dreams.
10. Your usual bedtime has shifted by two or more hours.

And we made it.

Of course we did.
Who was I to doubt?

It isn't as though it wasn't a struggle. Mostly for the middle girl, who is old enough to understand but young enough to still be saddened. The oldest girl seemed ok with time ... I think that is what she wants more now than anything else ... time with us. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

The littles were fine. The big girls and I managed to scour the house and come up with a plethora of gifts perfect for little ones. They didn't even notice that it was a stocking full vs. a tree full. We got creative and I am so thankful.

The holidays weren't with out sadness. It was difficult to watch my parents mourn my brother. Hard to see his children with out him ... and so much regret still.

Today, however, I am concentrating on all I have to be thankful for ...

Got to spend almost a week with the oldest girl. The longest in ... well a very long time.
Made it through the snow, ice, wind and rain with no accidents and no illnesses and no broken pipes!
Made it south and back for the BIG medical appointment despite the terrible weather.
Have a new plan for the headaches, and so far it isn't as rough as suggested.
The new Doc. seems to be stellar .. beyond stellar, really. And I just found her name on Facebook and it is sad to say that my neurologist is a hottie .... I might have a girl crush.
Middle girl seems to be working through some things and I am very proud of her.
School will start in a week.
God continues to provide for us, even when we aren't sure we are going to make it.
I sent out Christmas cards - complete with family photo's - for the first time in YEARS. I even managed to come up with a semi-okay letter ... not to braggy, nor too sad.
Was able to spend Christmas with the whole available family, and it was nice.
Youngest brother is heading off to rehab, a big step - am praying for him.
I am thrilled to be connected with a number of school chums ... I am also addicted to Facebook, I might need an intervention!
Good friends who keep checking in to make sure I am alive.
Skype rocks
Food on the table, heads in bed, heat to warm us, books to read, love surrounds.

I am hoping to be thankful for sleep tonight .. the new meds seem to have an insomniac effect.

Peace,
Nettie

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.
Psalm 68:19

Jesus is the reason for the season.

We know that, right?
As good Christians we know to teach our children that it isn't about the lights, the tree, the tinsel and it is absolutely not about the presents.
I think I have done a fair job of talking to my kids, of showing them that Jesus is the reason for the season. However, up until now I have also allowed the myth of Santa to live on in our home. Trying not to play too much into it, but also ensuring that the older ones understand that once they had *forgotten* Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. Mostly this is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year is a different story. This Santa is running on empty. Not spiritually, absolutely not. Although I am not into the Christmas Cheer as some ... but I am into Christ my saviour. However, we are in a tough financial crunch this year. Unlike any other year. Not just Santa runnin' lean, but rather Santa is broke as in not.able.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke.
What does a parent do at this point? Do I break down and tell my sweet angels that there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives? No need for the special plate with milk and cookies ... not Rudolph won't be here for his carrots ...
Do I pretend that Santa missed our little house and perhaps is running behind? (Maybe January will be a better month - Please Lord!)
We really have tried to keep Christ in Christmas - continuously telling our children who He is and what He means to us .... but still there are always a few special Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am so unsure of what to do. I am takin' it to the Father. Asking for His guidance.
But, my heart is broken. I just didn't expect that times would get leaner as I got older - heck I am almost in my 4th decade ... have I not paid my dues? I worked in fast food for cryin' out loud ... all joking aside, I feel at a loss. And I know I am not the only one.
I have so much to be grateful for - I know. And this isn't about me ... this is about those sweet angel faces.
Lord give me strength and wisdom.
Guide me on the path you wish for me.
Help me to show my children that Jesus is the reason for the season. The only reason.

Nettie

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Time marches on

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.



In some manner.



Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.



The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.



I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?



Who do I think I am?



For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.

Nettie

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26

Loss

It has been a month and still I can't find the words.

One month ago today, we said goodbye to my little brother. The one I fought with, cried with, hugged with ... and ultimately severed all ties with.

I never guess that it would be forever. I really thought that there would be a day that we would reconnect and have the relationship we were meant to have.

I loved him. That never stopped. I just couldn't live with his decisions, his actions, his ultimate anger.

He had reason to be angry ... but it didn't make it an acceptable presence in our lives.

Had I known of his ultimate pain ... the pain that would cause him to take his own life ... would I have done things differently? Like in the movies ... I could rush in at the last minute and show him that life, even with extreme pain, is worth living. But this isn't the movies. It is real life. Real pain. Real endings. Real loss.

Loss that leaves behind so many unanswered questions. So much blame and destruction.

I pray that he is at peace. That the hand of our Lord is upon him. I pray that I will see him in heaven ... as the brother that I loved, laughed and lived with.

I pray that my parents will find strength in Christ. That his children will not blame themselves. That wounded relationships can be healed.

One month later ... I just pray.

Nettie

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

school daze

And so the school year began.

I have to admit that it seemed a little bit anticlimactic this year, all that preparation and then WHAM - we're there and the FIRST DAY is over.

I also have to admit that I love shopping for school supplies. Maybe it is my days of working in an office supply store, maybe it is the fact that I didn't have any say so when it was my turn (way back in the day), maybe it is because there are sooo many cool choices ... or maybe I am just strange.

I wonder if anyone else, over age 12, gets the incredible craving for Cool Pens and notebooks when summers end nears. Fortunately, I still have children under the age of 12, so I can live vicariously through them ...

This year my list is vast - with a child in each level of school (pre, elementary, middle and high school), my options for cool and funky is pretty limitless! Of course we have to start with Crayons and Colored Pencils - it does NOT matter that we already have an abundant supply lurking around the house, we all (ahem, I mean the kids) need NEW shiny tools for the first day of school.

Then we move into Folders, which of course I still call a Pee Chee making me totally uncool with my kids ... moving on to glue, scissors, sharpeners, erasers, uber cool Highlighters, the must have Binder and my all time FAVORITE post-it-notes - my favs coming from LeSportsac.

I will admit an affinity towards Lisa Frank and fun and fancy sticky notes - but really, does everything have be to be sold in multi-packs costing $10 - $12 - for sticky note? It's a bit much, isn't it?

Ah well, I skimped and bought the Rose Art Crayons, so I can afford a few cute sticky notes ... and cool pens, don't forget the cool pens.

I just don't know how I am going to sneak them away from the kids.

Nettie

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. ~Bill Dodds

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

Wait and weight

A few months ago I went through a plethora of tests ... the *oscopies* I like to call them. I had 'em all. Oh the joy.
But I survived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I don't handle the anaesthetics well, mostly because it takes so much to get me under, that I have a hard time comin' back around ... but all in all, I lived.
The worst part ... the waiting. I loathe the waiting. In fact, I am STILL WAITING. I had most of my test prior to school getting out (mid June) and yet I don't have an official appointment until next week. Does that seem odd?
I guess not when it comes to GI doctors, at least that is what I have been told. And ... well, I have nothing else to go on.
So, next week I find out something - I hope, I pray. I would love some answers.

and the WEIGHT. Hmmmm. Well, as if February I had lost over 100 pounds. Woohoo. It took me two solid years, but I did it. I maintained and lost the entire time, never gaining more than a pound or two for more than a few days.

Until this summer. Which is typical. For me at least. Somehow I seem to be opposite of most people. I tend to gain weight in the summer and lose it in the winter. I think it is because the kids are home and I get out of routine. This summer has been more festive than last ... more weddings, more parties; which means more food. And for me, less exercise.

So, this summer I have gain 6 pounds. Urgh. Urgh. Urgh. I know it doesn't sound like much, but for someone who gains weight so easily and has always been heavy - 6 can equal 20 or more before I know it. It has happened too many times before and I am afraid. I call it a healthy fear of regaining. But it is fear - plain and simple. I have just been through it too many times and I do not want to go back to that place. That heavy place.

But ... please, oh please, oh please ... I am hopeful that I will be able to get back on track and lose those 6 pounds (and the last 5 I wanted to lose before that) when school starts and my *routine* resumes.

Well, I can hope.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~ Christopher Reeve

Nettie

"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."
Genesis 8:22

The days, they are a flyin' by.

How is it possibly mid-August?

How is it possible that summer is almost over? I am not done yet, there are too many things left to do. Too many places I want to go ... to take the kids. To explore.

How does it happen? Every single summer.

What have we done this summer?

We planted a beautiful garden.
Watched wonderful friends get married.
Attended various camps and youth activities.
Read A LOT!
Enjoyed the company of good friends. A LOT - but never enough.
Said good-bye to too many friends.
Saw whales in the ocean.
Watch DD2 perform magically in her second play.
Opened our home to some beautiful orphaned girls and were richly blessed.
Cooked more food than any family ought to.
Got more involved in our lovely church.
Catered a few great events.
Had the pleasure of hosting loved ones in our neck of the woods.

I guess we didn't do too badly ... especially since Ma and Pa still had to work through most of the summer.

Stlll ... I wish we had a little more time ...

"Dining with one's friends and beloved family is certainly one of life's primal and most innocent delights, one that is both soul-satisfying and eternal." - Julia Child

~ Nettie

When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Isaiah 8:19

Left behind

We have been left behind, and yet we are still included.


Daily messages are received and I am willing to bet, hoping even, that we - like they - are included in daily prayers. In fact, I am counting on it.


I can't suppress the glee that I feel when I open my email to find a message from theHplace. I know that they are okay, but yet I find great solace in the daily acknowledgement of that fact.


It is odd though, I want them to be healthy, safe, and happy - and yet at the same time my heart tugs when I realize that they are having fun with us. I feel so selfish in this. I know that I don't mean it in my heart ... but yet, there it is.


I am fortunate though. Unlike others, I have many ties that bind. I am taking care of important matters that are left behind when a family moves to a new Country. There are many. I had no idea. But I find great comfort in them.


This week we have slowed down a little. Our sweet visitors from Africa have long gone. DD2 has finished her marvelous drama production and my summer catering rush seems to have slowed. Not to worry though, I have now been taken over by the non-profit agency that I volunteer for.

DD1 is coming for a short visit next week ... it has been a long time since she has been here, so it should be interesting ... emotional ... strange. I don't know. Something indescribable.

Soul searching. That is what I am doing ... when do we stop that? When do we find the answer(s)?

Nettie

But the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs [Those who served as priests in Old Testament times.] as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, and it is founded on better promises.
Hebrews 8:6

Gaining 3 kids and a little perspective

This week I have the great pleasure of hosting three girls from Africa. These sweet girls come from the poorest of poor communities in Africa. The poverty and disease is overwhelming.

Today is Sunday - I started this post on Monday. The day after I got the girls. Already I felt as if I was gaining perspective - and yet, if I had completed the post it would have come no where close to what I have gained this week.

In perspective, humbleness, love, fear, and desire.

I have learned that I am capable of more love than I could ever imagine. I have also learned that, in some ways, I do not have as much patience as I would like.

I learned that sometimes I let pride get in the way.

I learned that fear can make you quit or egg you on. This week I let it egg me on and was richly rewarded.

I learned that letting go is hard, but when you do so with love, you will gain much.

I learned that I will never, ever get as much done as I would like to. And that no one will care.

I learned that words unspoken can hurt.

I learned that real love is a universal language. Love in a real hug feels so good.

I learned that I am furiously protective - not only of my own family but of those who need it most.

I learned that it is okay to say no, even if it doesn't feel good or make others happy.

I learned so much more in a week than I can ever put in to words. I learned that my story is evolving and it might just be a good one.

What did you learn this week?

Nettie

Letting go

Letting go ...

This year, well the last two years actually, has been a time of letting go.

For me, my friends and my entire family.

One of my best and dearest friends, and her family, hopped on a jet plane this week heading to China for an indiscernible amount of time. It could be three years, it could be ten. They don't know. They are following the Lord's calling and I am, of course, incredibly proud of them and their journey for Him.

But today, I am grieving. I can not explain what this family has meant to me. Or the hopes that I had for our friendship future ... multi family vacations, holidays celebrated together, long evening chats, wine in plastic tumblers, confessions of the soul ... so many plans in my mind. Not to be realized.

Of course it is for the greater good ...

As it has been for the ones before them.

In the past two years a large handful of our friends, and a few relatives, have either moved out of State or out of Country. This has been hard on my people (as I call the immediate family). It has brought on many tears, caused a multitude of conversations about what moving means and required us to appreciate each lovely moment for what it is.

We understand better now that we are the unit. Additions to our unit will come and go, but we - we must stick together and support one another above all. We have also learned that Church isn't about the people - they are a terrific addition - but about Him - ALONE. We can love those in our lives, the ones that come for a season, but we must put Him, the one that will never leave us or forsake us, above all.

But today ... we'll stll grieve a little. Tomorrow we'll live.

Thank you Jesus.

Sometime I hear a sermon on Sunday morning and seem to have forgotten it, and its intent, by the time I leave the parking lot.



Other times, it sticks with me - like a dull ache that won't stop, like a shadow ... I can't quite see it, but I know it's there, following me, nagging me. Making me think.



Last week I heard a sermon, a message, from the man who would be our new Pastor. It has been a long road for our small congregation but we (an by we I certainly mean the Elders and Pastoral search committee) have waited and been faithful to His call above all else. I am absolutely certain that this has paid off. We have an excellent fit.



I digress.


The message was simple; it is not comfortable to follow Christ.

I posted briefly about this nearly two weeks ago, but I was only skimming the surface.

I thought I had been uncomfortable, and in my defense - in my own life I have been ... more than I imagined I could be. Poor health, unreliable finances, broken down cars, marital disharmony, children with attitudes ... and things that I can not bring myself to say out loud much less write. I feel uncomfortable.

I feel lost. Like I am disappearing - not my earthly body but my spirit. The ME that I thought I was ... I guess I am just unsure of my identity. Which is rough to accept. I thought that by some magical age (when is that?) I would understand things .. things would be come easier. I never thought they would be easy, just easier.

They aren't.

Throw into that mix trying to live for Christ. That has been harder than I ever imagined. While the rewards and blessings have been bountiful, the losses have been great.

And I digress again. It is so easy to do.

I could go on and on about the discomforts of my life, but really I am just a selfish, sinful person. What exactly am I sacrificing by loving the Lord? Friends who likely weren't friends in the first place, a discomfort in my marriage - which makes my husband think and requires me to give him more grace than I normally would, a necessity to more accurately discern the cause and effects of my thoughts and deeds? Hmmm, pretty rough stuff.

WHO am I to complain?

I do not suffer persecution for loving the Lord. I can raise my hands high in worship and only worry about others seeing my saggy underarms - I have no fear of arrest or death for my proclamation that God is alive and will return. I am not only able, but called to deliver the Gospel’s message.

And on the other side, I do not go to bed hungry at night (unless it is of my own choosing), but rather I clean out the refrigerator of any leftovers to throw away - or compost - on garbage day. My children have clean drinking water and a (mostly) free education. They are all healthy and have been immunized against any deadly - or uncomfortable - diseases. Our heat is on in the winter and we are never without clothing, in fact we regularly recycle ours with nary a threadbare piece.

We have an incredibly loving and accepting church family who rallies around us in prayer and guidance in times of need.

We have so much, and yet still we yearn for more. And yet, I still manage to feel lost in this world - so uncertain about myself and where I fit in. Does that really even matter?

Getting uncomfortable

You know, sometimes following Christ can be uncomfortable.

While you may feel the internal glow of His love, you are still vulnerable to the external sting of societies view of your path.

I thought when I accepted Christ, confessed my sins and GAVE MY LIFE to Him, things would be smooth. Sunshine and roses anyone? Ummm not so much. Or not at all. At least not the way I had planned or thought or desired.

The more time that passes, the more I know I NEED to be uncomfortable. He needs me to be uncomfortable. When I am comfortable I often forget to seek Him. I do not put Him first. You can bet when I am uncomfortable or scared I cry out - I seek Him with all that I have.

I haven't blogged here since December. I can not begin to express the level of discomfort I have have felt over seven months.

Time to stop. Time to turn to Him first, every day all day. all the time.

I know you are there God.

It's me, Nettie.

Do you remember the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?

I don't remember the book, so much as the book title. I am pretty certain that I read it, along with most of Judy Blume's books ... but I really couldn't tell you specifically what it was about.

I do, however, imagine that this is how many of us feel ... from time to time, or very often. I know I do. I know in my heart of hearts that He is always there. That He has a plan for me ... that He will use me in ways that I simply can not imagine.

But yet, sometimes I still flounder. I still doubt, not relying on Him enough. Wishing He would show me more. Let me in on the secret so that I can better understand why things are the way they are.

Right now is one of those times. I hate being one of those people. You know, the ones where something is always wrong. But that seems to be me. Something is always off. Whether it is my health, my marriage, my family, finances ... there is always something and sometimes it is everything.

Lately it feels more overwhelming than it has in the past --- and then not. My health is not good. I notice that as my physical health wanes, so does my mental health.

I suffer from migraines. I have for 30 years. Sometimes they are manageable, and other times I am inconsolable with pain. They are almost always there, lurking in the background waiting to break free and throw me into isolation.

When things are at their worst, I get a mild case of Agoraphobia. While I do experience the fear of leaving the house for multiple reasons, I am more overwhelmed with the idea of having to explain myself, my current state, again (and again, and again).

I hate it that I can almost never say that I am not in pain. That, unless I lie outright, I must admit that I am riddled with pain -- and then the sadness that follows the pain. I hate it that I seem to have no control over this pain. That I can not manage it. That is takes away from my life and moreover, that it takes away from the lives of my children and husband. They absolutely live with it as much as I do.

I tire from naming off the vast number of solutions and procedures I have tried. I feel bad when people suggest I try that *new* OTC Migraine medication (Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil), because I am caught somewhere between a laugh and a cry ... they don't work and I wish something did. And I wish they were new to me, but they aren't - ever.

The last few weeks have been draining. Mentally and physically. I have had some of my worst migraines in years and am experiencing multiple other unexplainable ailments.

I had two MRI's last week and then got the call saying that there was nothing detectable. I wept. Not that I want there to be something bad, just that I want to know why this is happening -- I want to know that I am not just crazy. I feel so isolated in this place. I can share my feelings with a few ... but I can't begin to explain the helpless feeling. This dread.

And yet ... I know He is there. And that there is a reason for this. That my suffering is not for no reason. I don't doubt that, I just don't know how to find peace in it.

I know you are there God ... and I need you!

Nettie

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Going, going, gone.

No, not me.

I am sure it seems as if I am going. That this is a place that I visit rather than live. I guess in a way it is ... not because I don't want to reside in this place ... I would love to have the time to write, vent, wax and wane some less than poetic musings ... I long to get it all out of my system. But life continues to get in the way.

So, PS is gone. Moved on to his calling ... and while I am glad for him, I am still mournful - selfishly of course. But not just for myself, but for those who will have the opportunity to be blessed by his grace and wisdom. Obviously he will still be touching the lives of many ... just differently.

The weeks are flying by now. I thought that things might slow down once school started, but that has NOT been the case. Each day goes by at a rapid pace ... I can hardly keep up. But I am managing. Mostly keeping my head above water.

The new job is going well. Such a blessing to me - and my family. I hope that I am able to keep up!!

I did a whole lotta organizing today. A friend, who is especially talented at such things, came over and helped me clean out the stuffed to the gills extra room. It looks terrific. Peaceful even. It may just become my hiding spot! shhhh.

My sweet kindergartner is adjusting to school. I wish I could put into words what it does to my heart when I see her walking into the school ... just like the big kids. She seems so big until I see her next all of the big kids.

My 6th grader is doing well too. This is her year to be social. She seems to have more friends now that I have ever seen her have before. Hooray for her.

And that littlest one is doing ok, being the only one at home. She is a little more destructive these days ... a challenge for certain ... but we are managing.

Last week I managed to take a few moments every day, before everyone woke up, and sit quietly with my Bible and pray for a little bit. I am still not good at it, but I am trying ...

Well, I suppose that is all I can add today.

Hope the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

Nettie

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. Psalm 10:15

Winding down

Things as we know it are winding down.

In a few short weeks, our wonderful Pastor (PS) will depart the pulpit … and while I am deeply saddened about this, I am grateful for the time that I have gotten to know him as my Pastor.

I am also excited abut the possibilities that await him professionally. Our churches loss is the gain of many couples currently struggling in their relationships.

When I get beyond feeling anxious, I can also say that I am excited about the endless possibilities in store for our church. I am sure that some will desert … not being able to cope with such a loss … but the rest of us – we’re gonna hang in there and figure out how to make it – better … no not better … just as good, but different. Sometimes change, even reluctant change, can be a good thing. I don’t think it has to diminish from the wonderful job that PS has done … its just hard to see that different is bearable, or dare I say pleasing, until you faced with the opportunity of different.

Activity is swirling in these final weeks … child dedication is on the rise, celebrations are planned, and I have no doubt that more than a few couples are seeking some last minute free words of wisdom.

PS preached on Ephesians 4 - Unity in the Body of Christ – today. What a powerful message for our church. As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about how this relates to not only the church, but also our home and work lives. It seems – to me – that finding unity in the church is so much easier than at home or work … unity = harmony? Yea, I don’t see that nearly as often as I would like.

Living as Children of Light

Is tolerance easier at church? For me it is. I can excuse those around me because I easily give them the benefit of the doubt – I give them grace, as they have given me. But why is it that the minute we (some) pull out of the parking lot, we are so easily led to judge?

I am certainly guilty. I can’t tell you how many times I have left church only to get behind someone doing something foolish in the car in front of me. Of course I attempt to temper my words – but do I temper my mind? Not so easily.

How quickly we move to the dark side. And I don’t mean that we all run out of church and commit adultery or kill … but how often do we hang out after church and gossip about others? Compare notes and stories about them?

Is this not an equal sin?

I’m just thinkin’ …

Nettie


Ephesians 4
Unity with Christ
As a prisoner of the Lord, I beg you to live in a way that is worthy of the people God has chosen to be his own.
Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace.
All of you are part of the same body. There is only one Spirit of God, just as you were given one hope when you were chosen to be God's people.
We have only one Lord, one faith, and one baptism.
There is one God who is the Father of all people.
Not only is God above all others, but he works by using all of us, and he lives in all of us.

Pulling at my heart strings, oh Lord.

Or ... some days are just harder than others.

My oldest baby started high school this week. I never dreamed that I would not be there to share it with her. Even as it is happening, I keep thinking something will change ... something will heal this fragile relationship that we have. Most days I am OK; I accept the fact that she is safe and well taken care ... just because it isn't the plan that I would have chosen doesn't make it wrong - right? But days like this ... it feels so wrong. I should be there to greet her and hear about all of the exciting details. I should be able to calm the fears that she might have and help her celebrate her victories.

Instead, I know nothing of either.

We talk now. It is a polite dance that we do with one another. I am keenly aware that neither of us actually knows the other any more. Perhaps that is what tugs the most. How is that possible? That I don't know my baby? The one I carried in my womb for nine months (and two extra weeks!) ... the child whose body I cradled through her first shots, booboo's and delights.

I try not to doubt His purpose in this plan ... she, my girl, is destined for great things - I know it. It is myself I doubt. The words choke in my throat when I see her and all I want to do is grab her and make her understand how very much I love her. I want her to see my heart -- to know, that no matter what has happened I only ever wanted what was best. I absolutely made mistakes along the path, but I really, truly, never stopped thinking about how I could better her life.

I still haven't. But I don't think she knows that. Believes that.

I will be sad on this page ... only. When I hit publish, I will buck up and try to remain strong. I know that this is what God wants of me. I know that this is what she, ultimately, needs of me. As do my other babies. My husband. My friends. They need me to be strong -- and I will try.

Give me strength Oh Lord. Hold me close ... I continue to commit myself to You! Praise you ...

Nettie

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
Psalm 119:28-32