Loss

I realize as I get older, that loss comes in many forms. More than I can possibly keep track of.


There was certainly a loss of innocence when I went through my divorce.



A loss of ... certainty ... confidence when DD1 moved away.

A loss of humility with the birth of my 4th child.


The heart ache of loss each time a loved on passes.

Deep saddening loss when someone you think you can count on lets you down ...

I have experienced a fair share of loss, certainly not as much as some I know ... but enough to know the pain.

Today I experienced a different sort of loss ...

You know, I am new to the church membership thing ... I have long gone to church, but only the last couple of years belonged to a church -- so I am not sure how to word or deal with the sense of loss that I feel today.

Our Pastor is leaving. His reasons are valid and true; he feels God's calling in a new direction ... how can one argue with that?

He has been with this church for well over a decade; far longer than most Pastor's stay with a congregation - but he has only been with me for two years ... I am not done yet. I am not done learning from him, getting to know him, encouraging him ... loving him and his wonderful family. I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

And I am not ready to start over. I have only just gotten comfortable sharing my faith with people ... I am not ready to start over, reveal myself to another person who shouldn't judge me but might. What if the new Pastor isn't as kind ... as understanding ... as passionate about the things that made this church home for me ...

I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

But he is ... and ultimately he has to follow the call ... and I will be happy for him and his family. And I will welcome the new Pastor and pray for the congregation - that we can make a change like this and have it be a good one ...

Blessings ...

Nettie

God Is Our Refuge


God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore will we not fear, though the earth do change,

and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas;

Though the waters thereof roar and foam,

though the mountains shake at the swelling thereof. Selah

There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God,

the holiest dwelling-place of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her,

at the approach of morning.

Nations were in tumult, kingdoms were moved;

He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

HaShem of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our high tower. Selah

Come, behold the works of HaShem,

who hath made desolations in the earth.

He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth;

He breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder;

He burneth the chariots in the fire.

'Let be, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.'


- Psalms 46: 2-11

Nearly two months

I would like to say that things have changed dramatically -- as I had hoped, wished - prayed for.

They haven't.

And as I type this I am keenly aware that I have not prayed correctly. Or rather I have not prayed specifically. I have not asked God for any specifics ... how can He answer my prayers if I don't tell Him what I am praying for.

I have been here, floundering about, knowing that I needed to change, that I needed A change ... but not really asking for the guidance of the only one who can make it happen. How silly am I?

This time I had almost forgotten about this blog. I came back to it by happenstance. But I realize that a coincidence isn't always a coincidence.

I was reading the new blog of my friend (The Chronicles of Isaiah ) this morning ... you see her family is adopting from China - for the second time - and the entire experience seems to be coming together through a number of coincidences ... or not.

I read her words and I can not help but realize that the coincidences in my life are leading me somewhere as well. I might need to be more diligent - more purposeful - in my prayers ... but I also need to stop disregarding the coincidences.

I have a job interview-ish today. Normally I would be nervous -- but right now I just know that God has His hand on this one ... I am going to trust Him fully.

Nettie

PS - I will be back!


Isaiah 53

1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Days have been dark.

Not a real excuse, I know.
I could write anyway -- it would help. I am sure.
But instead, I seem to float in the darkness ... neither embracing it nor renouncing it.
I haven't forgotten this blog, it is just that I want it to mean something.
What? I don't know. I just want to say something that might inspire someone else to love Jesus like I am trying to.
This time of year is always hard for me. OK, well most times of the year are hard for me .. I seem to be prone to sadness. To feeling alone in a room full of people. What a cliché, I know ... but it is true.
I need a change.
I need a change.
I need a change.

What will it be?

Nettie


O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.
Isaiah 25:1

Slacker?

Not so much.

Good intentioned? Absolutely!

I thought that I would start this blog and have daily, bi-weekly, weekly (???) updates regarding my faith journey. I didn't expect to update monthly. I didn't expect words to fail me ... I thought that I would be able to describe what was happening in my heart.

It turns out that it isn't as easy as I thought. I just can't seem to find the words to express the joys and pains in this journey of mine.

I really wish I could. I know that there are people who need to know that you do not have to be perfect o have Christ in your life. People who need to hear that life is far from easy once you have Christ in your life. People who need to know that the struggle is all worth it.

Those are the people I want to *speak* to. I want to encourage. Those people are just like me.

The month of April was filled with many struggles for me and my family. It was also filled with many blessings.

* My husband got a new, wonderful job. Thank the Lord. "Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises." James 5:13

* Property taxes increased so much we aren't sure how we will pay the mortgage - even with the new job. Father, I know You will provide a way. "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." Revelation 5:12

* DD2 made the honor roll, something she thought she would never do. Praise God, He is faithful. "The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy." Psalm 111:7

* My birthday came and went and was forgotten by some who should have remembered. I live for your remembrance Father, with you I am never alone. "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands" Psalm 63:3-4

* We ended up not having to pay on our taxes -- we had anticipated owing a very large sum, but through diligence and much searching - we owe nothing. Thank you is not enough Father. "Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom" Psalm 145:3

There is much more that I could reflect on ... but all I can think at the moment is How Great Is Our God? He is faithful, He is righteous. The Way, the Truth, and the Life

Amen!

Nettie

Not my destiny.

I guess that blogging isn't my destiny.
I thought that I would find great relief in putting into words my faith journey. Instead I feel so busy that I just can't get it all out there ...
Don't give up on me just yet. I still think I can do this thing. I do really!!

This weekend marks the true reason that we all live. Give thanks to God.

I am excited for the Sunrise Service and Easter brunch at my church. I will be singing on the Worship team and I am so honored to be a part of such a terrific group. I can't think of a more wonderful day to be able to sing the praises to my Lord.

If you have stopped by before and found me lacking ... please do come back. Things are settling down a bit and I think I will have more stories to tell. Life is getting better ...

Thanks so much and Peace to you!

Blessings ~
Nettie

Love, sweet love.

Oh how can I not talk about my babies. The big ones and the little ones.

The amaze me, each and every day. My heart swells with love for them ... I am thankful for the glorious gift God has given me, with each unique one of them.

Yesterday NB1 ran through the house singing How greeaattt is ouurrr God, Sing with ME, Hooowww greaaattt is Our God .... it just fills me with glee to hear my children sing about the Lord. I would have never imagined it when I first became a parent.

NB1 especially has a love for God. I am sure it is because she is the one who has spent most of her short life in the church. NB2 is still too young to express her love for Christ and DD's 1 & 2 ... well I think they are still getting used to the idea. But NB1 - that girl will tell you how it is! You had better Love God and be obedient to Him ... you had better say your prayers, and you had better listen to the Pastor when he talks (well, we're still working on that one ... she knows the rule - but .....). I have seen this sweet little girl tell a person that You Must Love God - He is our Savior. I fully expect her to be my Evangelical Preachin' Daughter. Seriously!

Parenting is a rough road, you all know that. Discipline is something I struggle with every day. Balancing lessons with perceived punishment ... making sure that they understand that there are consequences to their actions ... sometimes, like today, doing that breaks my heart.

The girls were really misbehaving tonight - they were supposed to be taking a bath and instead they got into a *powder fight* ... which was one thing ... but it was in my room & bathroom, and ended up all over everything - and I do mean everything. There was other stuff too, but I won't get into that here ... suffice to say, I was mighty upset.

It was hard on my heart to discipline them ... I think I did it in a loving and yet firm manner ... but this is a challenging area for me. I did explain that even when they have frustrated me beyond belief I love them with all my heart ... and that this is how God loves us ... I know that I covered all the right points, but still there was punishment (things taken away) which made them sooo sad, which in turn, saddens me.

The right thing doesn't always feel right.


Blessings and Happy March!

Nettie


“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.”- Job 23:10-11

My heart is in the right place.

I just wish that I could get the rest of me caught up.

I want to write (post) ... there are many things each day that I think oh ... I could write about this or that would make an interesting topic ... but then at the end of the day I am just too wiped out to do it.

Last week was an OK week. Just as busy as the week before. I managed to pray with DD2, but didn't manage to keep up on the scripture end of things. I could feel it too ... as if we were lacking something each day .. as if we were struggling because we didn't start the day out right. Funny, I didn't attribute it to that, but I realize (now) that we were calmer when we started each day with scripture ... less hectic. Definitely going to make a better effort this week.

Had to take NB2 to the Dr. last week. So traumatic. Her iron is low and so they had to draw blood. Let me tell you ... there wasn't a dry eye in the place. She fought good and hard - ultimately they got what they needed but it really took the wind out of her sails. She forgot for a while, after she slept, only to be reminded when she saw the band aid again. Ugh. That part of parenting ... yea, I could do without it.

It snowed yesterday. Yikes. Almost March and SNOW... so done with it! It didn't stay, thank goodness.

NB1 went to play with a friend after church today, so it was just NB2 and I ... as hard as it is for me, I decided to just sit still and watch a movie with her. Those times are so few and far between, just to the two of us ... and well, her wanting to sit with me. I know that part will not last much longer. I held her tightly in my lap, her head resting on my shoulder, her hair tickling my chin - I just breathed her in ... you know what I mean. Just smelling her littleness, her innocence ... the goodness of her. I am already missing that feeling.

When I took her (NB2) to the Dr. this week, they said that I should start to cut back her milk intake ... (2% in a cup - not breast milk, she has been weaned there for quite some time ...) and although I know it is custom, I want to know why? She likes milk. She drinks quite a bit, but less than she did 6 months ago ... and that was less than the 6 months prior to that. Why should I make her give up something that gives her comfort? She doesn't drink it in a bottle. She doesn't have it in the middle of the night (anymore) ... she eats a good, balanced diet. She isn't overweight - or underweight ...

I guess I am feeling like everyone is in a hurry for our babies to grow up and be like everyone else ... whatever that means. And I want my baby to be a baby - until she isn't a baby anymore.

Well, long ramble there .... I am probably hormonal today ... or something :O)

Hope your Monday is good.

Nettie


“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”- 1 John 4:9