I know you are there God.

It's me, Nettie.

Do you remember the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?

I don't remember the book, so much as the book title. I am pretty certain that I read it, along with most of Judy Blume's books ... but I really couldn't tell you specifically what it was about.

I do, however, imagine that this is how many of us feel ... from time to time, or very often. I know I do. I know in my heart of hearts that He is always there. That He has a plan for me ... that He will use me in ways that I simply can not imagine.

But yet, sometimes I still flounder. I still doubt, not relying on Him enough. Wishing He would show me more. Let me in on the secret so that I can better understand why things are the way they are.

Right now is one of those times. I hate being one of those people. You know, the ones where something is always wrong. But that seems to be me. Something is always off. Whether it is my health, my marriage, my family, finances ... there is always something and sometimes it is everything.

Lately it feels more overwhelming than it has in the past --- and then not. My health is not good. I notice that as my physical health wanes, so does my mental health.

I suffer from migraines. I have for 30 years. Sometimes they are manageable, and other times I am inconsolable with pain. They are almost always there, lurking in the background waiting to break free and throw me into isolation.

When things are at their worst, I get a mild case of Agoraphobia. While I do experience the fear of leaving the house for multiple reasons, I am more overwhelmed with the idea of having to explain myself, my current state, again (and again, and again).

I hate it that I can almost never say that I am not in pain. That, unless I lie outright, I must admit that I am riddled with pain -- and then the sadness that follows the pain. I hate it that I seem to have no control over this pain. That I can not manage it. That is takes away from my life and moreover, that it takes away from the lives of my children and husband. They absolutely live with it as much as I do.

I tire from naming off the vast number of solutions and procedures I have tried. I feel bad when people suggest I try that *new* OTC Migraine medication (Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil), because I am caught somewhere between a laugh and a cry ... they don't work and I wish something did. And I wish they were new to me, but they aren't - ever.

The last few weeks have been draining. Mentally and physically. I have had some of my worst migraines in years and am experiencing multiple other unexplainable ailments.

I had two MRI's last week and then got the call saying that there was nothing detectable. I wept. Not that I want there to be something bad, just that I want to know why this is happening -- I want to know that I am not just crazy. I feel so isolated in this place. I can share my feelings with a few ... but I can't begin to explain the helpless feeling. This dread.

And yet ... I know He is there. And that there is a reason for this. That my suffering is not for no reason. I don't doubt that, I just don't know how to find peace in it.

I know you are there God ... and I need you!

Nettie

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Going, going, gone.

No, not me.

I am sure it seems as if I am going. That this is a place that I visit rather than live. I guess in a way it is ... not because I don't want to reside in this place ... I would love to have the time to write, vent, wax and wane some less than poetic musings ... I long to get it all out of my system. But life continues to get in the way.

So, PS is gone. Moved on to his calling ... and while I am glad for him, I am still mournful - selfishly of course. But not just for myself, but for those who will have the opportunity to be blessed by his grace and wisdom. Obviously he will still be touching the lives of many ... just differently.

The weeks are flying by now. I thought that things might slow down once school started, but that has NOT been the case. Each day goes by at a rapid pace ... I can hardly keep up. But I am managing. Mostly keeping my head above water.

The new job is going well. Such a blessing to me - and my family. I hope that I am able to keep up!!

I did a whole lotta organizing today. A friend, who is especially talented at such things, came over and helped me clean out the stuffed to the gills extra room. It looks terrific. Peaceful even. It may just become my hiding spot! shhhh.

My sweet kindergartner is adjusting to school. I wish I could put into words what it does to my heart when I see her walking into the school ... just like the big kids. She seems so big until I see her next all of the big kids.

My 6th grader is doing well too. This is her year to be social. She seems to have more friends now that I have ever seen her have before. Hooray for her.

And that littlest one is doing ok, being the only one at home. She is a little more destructive these days ... a challenge for certain ... but we are managing.

Last week I managed to take a few moments every day, before everyone woke up, and sit quietly with my Bible and pray for a little bit. I am still not good at it, but I am trying ...

Well, I suppose that is all I can add today.

Hope the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

Nettie

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. Psalm 10:15

Winding down

Things as we know it are winding down.

In a few short weeks, our wonderful Pastor (PS) will depart the pulpit … and while I am deeply saddened about this, I am grateful for the time that I have gotten to know him as my Pastor.

I am also excited abut the possibilities that await him professionally. Our churches loss is the gain of many couples currently struggling in their relationships.

When I get beyond feeling anxious, I can also say that I am excited about the endless possibilities in store for our church. I am sure that some will desert … not being able to cope with such a loss … but the rest of us – we’re gonna hang in there and figure out how to make it – better … no not better … just as good, but different. Sometimes change, even reluctant change, can be a good thing. I don’t think it has to diminish from the wonderful job that PS has done … its just hard to see that different is bearable, or dare I say pleasing, until you faced with the opportunity of different.

Activity is swirling in these final weeks … child dedication is on the rise, celebrations are planned, and I have no doubt that more than a few couples are seeking some last minute free words of wisdom.

PS preached on Ephesians 4 - Unity in the Body of Christ – today. What a powerful message for our church. As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about how this relates to not only the church, but also our home and work lives. It seems – to me – that finding unity in the church is so much easier than at home or work … unity = harmony? Yea, I don’t see that nearly as often as I would like.

Living as Children of Light

Is tolerance easier at church? For me it is. I can excuse those around me because I easily give them the benefit of the doubt – I give them grace, as they have given me. But why is it that the minute we (some) pull out of the parking lot, we are so easily led to judge?

I am certainly guilty. I can’t tell you how many times I have left church only to get behind someone doing something foolish in the car in front of me. Of course I attempt to temper my words – but do I temper my mind? Not so easily.

How quickly we move to the dark side. And I don’t mean that we all run out of church and commit adultery or kill … but how often do we hang out after church and gossip about others? Compare notes and stories about them?

Is this not an equal sin?

I’m just thinkin’ …

Nettie


Ephesians 4
Unity with Christ
As a prisoner of the Lord, I beg you to live in a way that is worthy of the people God has chosen to be his own.
Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace.
All of you are part of the same body. There is only one Spirit of God, just as you were given one hope when you were chosen to be God's people.
We have only one Lord, one faith, and one baptism.
There is one God who is the Father of all people.
Not only is God above all others, but he works by using all of us, and he lives in all of us.

Pulling at my heart strings, oh Lord.

Or ... some days are just harder than others.

My oldest baby started high school this week. I never dreamed that I would not be there to share it with her. Even as it is happening, I keep thinking something will change ... something will heal this fragile relationship that we have. Most days I am OK; I accept the fact that she is safe and well taken care ... just because it isn't the plan that I would have chosen doesn't make it wrong - right? But days like this ... it feels so wrong. I should be there to greet her and hear about all of the exciting details. I should be able to calm the fears that she might have and help her celebrate her victories.

Instead, I know nothing of either.

We talk now. It is a polite dance that we do with one another. I am keenly aware that neither of us actually knows the other any more. Perhaps that is what tugs the most. How is that possible? That I don't know my baby? The one I carried in my womb for nine months (and two extra weeks!) ... the child whose body I cradled through her first shots, booboo's and delights.

I try not to doubt His purpose in this plan ... she, my girl, is destined for great things - I know it. It is myself I doubt. The words choke in my throat when I see her and all I want to do is grab her and make her understand how very much I love her. I want her to see my heart -- to know, that no matter what has happened I only ever wanted what was best. I absolutely made mistakes along the path, but I really, truly, never stopped thinking about how I could better her life.

I still haven't. But I don't think she knows that. Believes that.

I will be sad on this page ... only. When I hit publish, I will buck up and try to remain strong. I know that this is what God wants of me. I know that this is what she, ultimately, needs of me. As do my other babies. My husband. My friends. They need me to be strong -- and I will try.

Give me strength Oh Lord. Hold me close ... I continue to commit myself to You! Praise you ...

Nettie

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
Psalm 119:28-32

So, you think you can work?

There is little irony that I started this post So, you think you can work? a week ago and was not only unable to complete it but not even really start it.

I wanted to post about the overwhleming life I lead. About the countless tasks that fill my day. Humor you with the clever quips of my off springs as I attempt to work from home.

Instead I was able to think up, what I considered, a whitty title post. And that is as far as I could get ...

I think if I had to come up with a title for my life story I might use When it rained, it poured. Corny? Probably. True? Absolutely.

That is life in a nutshell right now ... it is pouring and I am running around with buckets trying to stop the house from flooding.

I recently accepted a position with a wonderful Christian Organization. I couldn't be more thrilled to be working within a Godly organization ... I am finally part of the solution -- to something God driven. How cool is that?

It gets better ... I get to work from home and my income is truly based on my own efforts. I am able to help feed hungry children all around the world, assist in raising awareness of the AIDS epidemic and help US Cities connect with International missions.

The downside, if I can consider it that, is that my part time job is really working out to be a full time job. Add to this my family obligations, volunteer commitments and the other new job that I recently took on ... and well, I am one tuckered and torn girl.

I'm not complaining ... really, I'm not. I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way. I know that in the long run I will be better off for them. I just can't help but laugh ... I thought it would be easy ... ok, not easy - maybe just doable - to work from home. Well, I can do it, but it isn't simple. There are many times throughout the day that I am torn between my kids and the work opportunity -- the laundry and the work opportunity -- dinner and the work opportunity -- cruising the Internet and the work opportunity ... ha! :)

But I am trying to find a balance. I am trying to listen to my internal clock ... the one that tells me when it is time to disengage and work on something more personal. I know that it will take time ... but I have faith -- good things always take time!

Nettie

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139

Beautiful

Or not. Some think it is disturbing .. all I know is that I listened to this and could not help crying!

http://www.spinner.com/2007/08/16/video-premiere-elvis-and-lisa-marie-presleys-in-the-ghetto/

ok, I tired to post the video but it didn't work .. so you'll have to check it out on your own.
Nettie

Loss

I realize as I get older, that loss comes in many forms. More than I can possibly keep track of.


There was certainly a loss of innocence when I went through my divorce.



A loss of ... certainty ... confidence when DD1 moved away.

A loss of humility with the birth of my 4th child.


The heart ache of loss each time a loved on passes.

Deep saddening loss when someone you think you can count on lets you down ...

I have experienced a fair share of loss, certainly not as much as some I know ... but enough to know the pain.

Today I experienced a different sort of loss ...

You know, I am new to the church membership thing ... I have long gone to church, but only the last couple of years belonged to a church -- so I am not sure how to word or deal with the sense of loss that I feel today.

Our Pastor is leaving. His reasons are valid and true; he feels God's calling in a new direction ... how can one argue with that?

He has been with this church for well over a decade; far longer than most Pastor's stay with a congregation - but he has only been with me for two years ... I am not done yet. I am not done learning from him, getting to know him, encouraging him ... loving him and his wonderful family. I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

And I am not ready to start over. I have only just gotten comfortable sharing my faith with people ... I am not ready to start over, reveal myself to another person who shouldn't judge me but might. What if the new Pastor isn't as kind ... as understanding ... as passionate about the things that made this church home for me ...

I.AM.NOT.DONE.YET.

But he is ... and ultimately he has to follow the call ... and I will be happy for him and his family. And I will welcome the new Pastor and pray for the congregation - that we can make a change like this and have it be a good one ...

Blessings ...

Nettie

God Is Our Refuge


God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore will we not fear, though the earth do change,

and though the mountains be moved into the heart of the seas;

Though the waters thereof roar and foam,

though the mountains shake at the swelling thereof. Selah

There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God,

the holiest dwelling-place of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her,

at the approach of morning.

Nations were in tumult, kingdoms were moved;

He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

HaShem of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our high tower. Selah

Come, behold the works of HaShem,

who hath made desolations in the earth.

He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth;

He breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder;

He burneth the chariots in the fire.

'Let be, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.'


- Psalms 46: 2-11