It's me, Nettie.
Do you remember the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?
I don't remember the book, so much as the book title. I am pretty certain that I read it, along with most of Judy Blume's books ... but I really couldn't tell you specifically what it was about.
I do, however, imagine that this is how many of us feel ... from time to time, or very often. I know I do. I know in my heart of hearts that He is always there. That He has a plan for me ... that He will use me in ways that I simply can not imagine.
But yet, sometimes I still flounder. I still doubt, not relying on Him enough. Wishing He would show me more. Let me in on the secret so that I can better understand why things are the way they are.
Right now is one of those times. I hate being one of those people. You know, the ones where something is always wrong. But that seems to be me. Something is always off. Whether it is my health, my marriage, my family, finances ... there is always something and sometimes it is everything.
Lately it feels more overwhelming than it has in the past --- and then not. My health is not good. I notice that as my physical health wanes, so does my mental health.
I suffer from migraines. I have for 30 years. Sometimes they are manageable, and other times I am inconsolable with pain. They are almost always there, lurking in the background waiting to break free and throw me into isolation.
When things are at their worst, I get a mild case of Agoraphobia. While I do experience the fear of leaving the house for multiple reasons, I am more overwhelmed with the idea of having to explain myself, my current state, again (and again, and again).
I hate it that I can almost never say that I am not in pain. That, unless I lie outright, I must admit that I am riddled with pain -- and then the sadness that follows the pain. I hate it that I seem to have no control over this pain. That I can not manage it. That is takes away from my life and moreover, that it takes away from the lives of my children and husband. They absolutely live with it as much as I do.
I tire from naming off the vast number of solutions and procedures I have tried. I feel bad when people suggest I try that *new* OTC Migraine medication (Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil), because I am caught somewhere between a laugh and a cry ... they don't work and I wish something did. And I wish they were new to me, but they aren't - ever.
The last few weeks have been draining. Mentally and physically. I have had some of my worst migraines in years and am experiencing multiple other unexplainable ailments.
I had two MRI's last week and then got the call saying that there was nothing detectable. I wept. Not that I want there to be something bad, just that I want to know why this is happening -- I want to know that I am not just crazy. I feel so isolated in this place. I can share my feelings with a few ... but I can't begin to explain the helpless feeling. This dread.
And yet ... I know He is there. And that there is a reason for this. That my suffering is not for no reason. I don't doubt that, I just don't know how to find peace in it.
I know you are there God ... and I need you!
Nettie
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22
