Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Googling the past

There was a time, not so long ago, when the past was the past.
Relationships were declared over, and they were. Simply done.

Enter the Internet. Google. Facebook, MySpace. Reunion.Com. An endless supply of information.
A plethora of potential.

Here you have the opportunity to connect with the long lost friend, the former teacher, mentor, tormentor, the misc. relatives, one that could have been ...

Come on, admit it. You have Googled the names. The friendships gone bad. Relationships better left done. His name. Her name. Their names together. Some nights the curiosity is too much. You are swept away in the past, the what was. The what could have been.

Perhaps it is the recent milestone. Maybe it has caused me to wonder about all of those who were. It has been decades instead of mere years. It feels safe to wonder now. To know now. I am softer, surely they must be as well.

It starts out easy and innocent. Just the wondering what they are up to now. Kids or not. Partner or not. Job or not. Success. You just want to know.

The you start to type the letters ... T, o, m* ... you hit enter and pow! There they are. A picture. A city. An address. A wife/husband/partner. Kids, job, hobbies ... all there. Wonder no more. Now you have knowledge.

And yet you still wonder. How are they really? And, come on, what you really want to know is; do they still think of you? Do they still harbor ill feelings or is it safe to talk? To connect.

It is simple really, just the click of a button and you can be "friends" ... you can start over. It's tempting isn't it? Reconnecting with the past.

It doesn't hurt anything ... anyone.

Except it can. Can't it? Isn't there a reason that things are in the past? A reason that the one that got away, well, got away.

There is something to be said for moving on. Even more to be said for staying in the present.

Just more random thoughts today.


Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

Monday, April 13, 2009

Melonchaoly days

The date is looming. You know, the big milestone I referred to earlier.

My mind is filled with random musings ... I can't quite think straight ... yet there are things I want to say.

I don't really mind getting older. It is, after all, just a number. I feel younger now than I did ten years ago. I know I look better. I know I smarter. I know I am happier. Those things won't change - much :)

What I do mind ... the loss ...

The loss of time. The loss of experience(s). Things I can't re-do or undo. Honestly, I am sad because I just want to slow things down for a bit. I want to relish more. Yet, I know that time will continue to speed by and I will be at a loss to do anything differently.

I never made it a secret that I wanted more children .. I know, I know, I have 4 .. surely that is enough. I know it is and He has blessed me so much with my lovely girls. And yet, I feel the ache. It echo's through my soul and engulfs my every thought. It is silly ... I had such a difficult time - every time. But I can't shake the ache.

I think I am also conflicted because life just isn't what I thought it would be ... but I don't know what I really thought it would be. I had ideas of what should happen, but I didn't have a clear path of how to get there. And maybe that is part of it ... I have just sort of let life happen.

Is that a bad thing? Things that I never dreamt would happen have blessed my life, if I had known, would I have messed it up?

Fears have certainly been realized - bigger than I could have imagined ... had I known, what could I have done differently? Would I do with out these experiences?

Regrets have plagued me. Will always plague me. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's in life

I regret that I didn't take more time with people. That I didn't talk to strangers. That I didn't say I'm Sorry more. That I didn't sit quietly. That I looked forward and not around. That I didn't take more chances. Laughed more. Cried more.

Here I sit rambling ... so much I want to say, and yet the words escape me.

Perhaps I shall just try embrace the day, the milestones and stop wallowing in the "small stuff" ... let the trumpets sound.


Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. — 1 Corinthians 15:51-53

Monday, April 6, 2009

Age and hovering

I am close to reaching a milestone. You know, one of those that seemed soooo old when you were a kid. One you couldn't really imagine reaching ... but being quite certain that when you did life would be grand ... or complete, or easy, or maybe predictable.

hmmmm .... here is what I have learned - NOT SO MUCH.

It isn't all that different now than it was, say, twenty years ago. The happiness comes in a different package, with a slightly more colorful bow. The sorrows may reach a bit farther down to your soul, and the tears may flow a little more freely. But mostly, things are similar.

I think I have mentioned before that I never quite felt like I *fit in* as a kid. Or a teen ... and then imagine my dismay when I didn't quite measure up (in my mind) as a adult.

I vividly recall being the girl from the trailer park. My clothes NEVER really came from the right place. And even when I could talk my way into some designer duds (anyone remember A. Smile overalls/jeans?!?), they just didn't seem to fit me the way they fit everyone else.

I attempted the hair cuts (Dorothy Hamill Wedge, Farrah Fawcett Feathered Shag, Cyndi Lauper shaved side, multi colored do) ... well, I'll just say it wasn't pretty! I tried to be funny, witty, sarcastic, tough ... but I was never quick enough to succeed at these. I wasn't exceptionally (or moderately) bright. I wasn't pretty, nor was I ugly. I was average.

And so I hovered. In the middle of things. Not quite fitting into to any one group. I wasn't comfortable enough to hang out with the popular crowd, yet I wasn't bad enough to hang out with the rebels. I am sure there were a lot of us hovering in the middle ... but we didn't seem to find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Funny, this hovering as a child and teen was sort of the pre cursor to my hovering in my search for Christ ... I sort of sat on the fence, waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was worthy of His love -- crazy, huh? It took a long time to discover that I was enough. Just the way I was.

Perhaps if I had known as a child, a teen, a young adult, that I was enough I would have hovered less and enjoyed more. I would have made friends and memories.

I had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with a number of the people that I grew up with. I say that lightly ... I grew up around them. Watching them. Wondering how to be like them. To have it so together.

I must confess that I was incredibly nervous for this event. Where would I possibly fit in? Surely they are all far more successful than I. They must have it more together than I do. They must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then.

I skipped my 20 year reunion, because I was simply too anxious about all of these things. Knowing that I would go and still be the girl from the trailer park. It was too much for me.

So ... I went into the night bolstering myself with a false confidence ... but it was enough. I knew that it was one night and if I still didn't fit it ... what did it really matter? Don't I have the one on my side that really matters.

Here's what I learned ... I still hover.

I hovered between two tables.
Those who know me as I am today, who came to a party that they weren't really a part of, who encouraged me to just go over and talk, even though it meant leaving them to fend for themselves.
And those who knew me when. Who seemed interested in what I had to say, who readily admitted that they didn't have it all together, who only vaguely mentioned the trailer park, and who seemed to accept me as I am.

At each table, I was enough.

and it felt good.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Addiction or hobby

Okay, so I admit it - I succumb easily to addictions. No, not alcohol, drugs or sex ... but FADS. I can switch them fast and furious. A new hobby here equals a formerly *important* hobby being tossed out the window.

Take Facebook vs. Blogging.
This new (to me - I have no idea how long it has been around) fad has practically taken over my life. I take a break every now and then to ... ummm actually work and care for my family, but while I am completing the necessary tasks of life I can't help but wonder;
who might have written on my wall
requested/accepted my friendship
tagged me in a photo
thrown a snowball at me
danced with my avatar on YoVille

The possibilities are endless, the happenings vast ... I can hardly tear myself away, but how do I explain this to my children - or my husband, who does not get it at all!!!

Are you facing such an addiction? Facebook, YouTube, Wikipedia, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger.
Or am I the only one? Do I need help? I don't really think I have a *problem* ... at least I am not ready to fully accept it at this point!

10 Signs You’re Addicted To Facebook

1. You log into Facebook before checking your regular email.
2. You check Facebook daily, multiple times a day, or all day. (From the Blackberry!)
3. Your brain filters everything through Facebook now. You think, “How can I promote, or market, or share, or propagate this on Facebook?”
4. You trawl your address book for who hasn’t signed up yet, or who you haven’t invited yet.
5. You get a bigger buzz from the number of new friends who accepted your add request than you do from a trip to Starbucks. (Yeah, I know, a tough one to beat!)
6. You update your status frequently to put a feed on your friends’ profiles.
7. Hours pass before you realize you’ve done nothing but surf Facebook.
8. You carry your laptop with wi-fi wherever you go… just in case.
9. You find yourself thinking about Facebook when you’re away from your computer… Facebook even pops into your dreams.
10. Your usual bedtime has shifted by two or more hours.

Monday, December 29, 2008

And we made it.

Of course we did.
Who was I to doubt?

It isn't as though it wasn't a struggle. Mostly for the middle girl, who is old enough to understand but young enough to still be saddened. The oldest girl seemed ok with time ... I think that is what she wants more now than anything else ... time with us. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

The littles were fine. The big girls and I managed to scour the house and come up with a plethora of gifts perfect for little ones. They didn't even notice that it was a stocking full vs. a tree full. We got creative and I am so thankful.

The holidays weren't with out sadness. It was difficult to watch my parents mourn my brother. Hard to see his children with out him ... and so much regret still.

Today, however, I am concentrating on all I have to be thankful for ...

Got to spend almost a week with the oldest girl. The longest in ... well a very long time.
Made it through the snow, ice, wind and rain with no accidents and no illnesses and no broken pipes!
Made it south and back for the BIG medical appointment despite the terrible weather.
Have a new plan for the headaches, and so far it isn't as rough as suggested.
The new Doc. seems to be stellar .. beyond stellar, really. And I just found her name on Facebook and it is sad to say that my neurologist is a hottie .... I might have a girl crush.
Middle girl seems to be working through some things and I am very proud of her.
School will start in a week.
God continues to provide for us, even when we aren't sure we are going to make it.
I sent out Christmas cards - complete with family photo's - for the first time in YEARS. I even managed to come up with a semi-okay letter ... not to braggy, nor too sad.
Was able to spend Christmas with the whole available family, and it was nice.
Youngest brother is heading off to rehab, a big step - am praying for him.
I am thrilled to be connected with a number of school chums ... I am also addicted to Facebook, I might need an intervention!
Good friends who keep checking in to make sure I am alive.
Skype rocks
Food on the table, heads in bed, heat to warm us, books to read, love surrounds.

I am hoping to be thankful for sleep tonight .. the new meds seem to have an insomniac effect.


Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.
Psalm 68:19

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Jesus is the reason for the season.

We know that, right?
As good Christians we know to teach our children that it isn't about the lights, the tree, the tinsel and it is absolutely not about the presents.
I think I have done a fair job of talking to my kids, of showing them that Jesus is the reason for the season. However, up until now I have also allowed the myth of Santa to live on in our home. Trying not to play too much into it, but also ensuring that the older ones understand that once they had *forgotten* Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. Mostly this is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year is a different story. This Santa is running on empty. Not spiritually, absolutely not. Although I am not into the Christmas Cheer as some ... but I am into Christ my saviour. However, we are in a tough financial crunch this year. Unlike any other year. Not just Santa runnin' lean, but rather Santa is broke as in
What does a parent do at this point? Do I break down and tell my sweet angels that there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives? No need for the special plate with milk and cookies ... not Rudolph won't be here for his carrots ...
Do I pretend that Santa missed our little house and perhaps is running behind? (Maybe January will be a better month - Please Lord!)
We really have tried to keep Christ in Christmas - continuously telling our children who He is and what He means to us .... but still there are always a few special Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am so unsure of what to do. I am takin' it to the Father. Asking for His guidance.
But, my heart is broken. I just didn't expect that times would get leaner as I got older - heck I am almost in my 4th decade ... have I not paid my dues? I worked in fast food for cryin' out loud ... all joking aside, I feel at a loss. And I know I am not the only one.
I have so much to be grateful for - I know. And this isn't about me ... this is about those sweet angel faces.
Lord give me strength and wisdom.
Guide me on the path you wish for me.
Help me to show my children that Jesus is the reason for the season. The only reason.


Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Time marches on

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.

In some manner.

Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.

The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.

I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?

Who do I think I am?

For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.


For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26