Time marches on

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.



In some manner.



Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.



The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.



I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?



Who do I think I am?



For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.

Nettie

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26