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Monday, October 27, 2008

Loss

It has been a month and still I can't find the words.

One month ago today, we said goodbye to my little brother. The one I fought with, cried with, hugged with ... and ultimately severed all ties with.

I never guess that it would be forever. I really thought that there would be a day that we would reconnect and have the relationship we were meant to have.

I loved him. That never stopped. I just couldn't live with his decisions, his actions, his ultimate anger.

He had reason to be angry ... but it didn't make it an acceptable presence in our lives.

Had I known of his ultimate pain ... the pain that would cause him to take his own life ... would I have done things differently? Like in the movies ... I could rush in at the last minute and show him that life, even with extreme pain, is worth living. But this isn't the movies. It is real life. Real pain. Real endings. Real loss.

Loss that leaves behind so many unanswered questions. So much blame and destruction.

I pray that he is at peace. That the hand of our Lord is upon him. I pray that I will see him in heaven ... as the brother that I loved, laughed and lived with.

I pray that my parents will find strength in Christ. That his children will not blame themselves. That wounded relationships can be healed.

One month later ... I just pray.

Nettie

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8