And we made it.

Of course we did.
Who was I to doubt?

It isn't as though it wasn't a struggle. Mostly for the middle girl, who is old enough to understand but young enough to still be saddened. The oldest girl seemed ok with time ... I think that is what she wants more now than anything else ... time with us. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

The littles were fine. The big girls and I managed to scour the house and come up with a plethora of gifts perfect for little ones. They didn't even notice that it was a stocking full vs. a tree full. We got creative and I am so thankful.

The holidays weren't with out sadness. It was difficult to watch my parents mourn my brother. Hard to see his children with out him ... and so much regret still.

Today, however, I am concentrating on all I have to be thankful for ...

Got to spend almost a week with the oldest girl. The longest in ... well a very long time.
Made it through the snow, ice, wind and rain with no accidents and no illnesses and no broken pipes!
Made it south and back for the BIG medical appointment despite the terrible weather.
Have a new plan for the headaches, and so far it isn't as rough as suggested.
The new Doc. seems to be stellar .. beyond stellar, really. And I just found her name on Facebook and it is sad to say that my neurologist is a hottie .... I might have a girl crush.
Middle girl seems to be working through some things and I am very proud of her.
School will start in a week.
God continues to provide for us, even when we aren't sure we are going to make it.
I sent out Christmas cards - complete with family photo's - for the first time in YEARS. I even managed to come up with a semi-okay letter ... not to braggy, nor too sad.
Was able to spend Christmas with the whole available family, and it was nice.
Youngest brother is heading off to rehab, a big step - am praying for him.
I am thrilled to be connected with a number of school chums ... I am also addicted to Facebook, I might need an intervention!
Good friends who keep checking in to make sure I am alive.
Skype rocks
Food on the table, heads in bed, heat to warm us, books to read, love surrounds.

I am hoping to be thankful for sleep tonight .. the new meds seem to have an insomniac effect.

Peace,
Nettie

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.
Psalm 68:19

Jesus is the reason for the season.

We know that, right?
As good Christians we know to teach our children that it isn't about the lights, the tree, the tinsel and it is absolutely not about the presents.
I think I have done a fair job of talking to my kids, of showing them that Jesus is the reason for the season. However, up until now I have also allowed the myth of Santa to live on in our home. Trying not to play too much into it, but also ensuring that the older ones understand that once they had *forgotten* Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. Mostly this is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year is a different story. This Santa is running on empty. Not spiritually, absolutely not. Although I am not into the Christmas Cheer as some ... but I am into Christ my saviour. However, we are in a tough financial crunch this year. Unlike any other year. Not just Santa runnin' lean, but rather Santa is broke as in not.able.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke.
What does a parent do at this point? Do I break down and tell my sweet angels that there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives? No need for the special plate with milk and cookies ... not Rudolph won't be here for his carrots ...
Do I pretend that Santa missed our little house and perhaps is running behind? (Maybe January will be a better month - Please Lord!)
We really have tried to keep Christ in Christmas - continuously telling our children who He is and what He means to us .... but still there are always a few special Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am so unsure of what to do. I am takin' it to the Father. Asking for His guidance.
But, my heart is broken. I just didn't expect that times would get leaner as I got older - heck I am almost in my 4th decade ... have I not paid my dues? I worked in fast food for cryin' out loud ... all joking aside, I feel at a loss. And I know I am not the only one.
I have so much to be grateful for - I know. And this isn't about me ... this is about those sweet angel faces.
Lord give me strength and wisdom.
Guide me on the path you wish for me.
Help me to show my children that Jesus is the reason for the season. The only reason.

Nettie

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Time marches on

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.



In some manner.



Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.



The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.



I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?



Who do I think I am?



For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.

Nettie

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26