And we made it.

Of course we did.
Who was I to doubt?

It isn't as though it wasn't a struggle. Mostly for the middle girl, who is old enough to understand but young enough to still be saddened. The oldest girl seemed ok with time ... I think that is what she wants more now than anything else ... time with us. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

The littles were fine. The big girls and I managed to scour the house and come up with a plethora of gifts perfect for little ones. They didn't even notice that it was a stocking full vs. a tree full. We got creative and I am so thankful.

The holidays weren't with out sadness. It was difficult to watch my parents mourn my brother. Hard to see his children with out him ... and so much regret still.

Today, however, I am concentrating on all I have to be thankful for ...

Got to spend almost a week with the oldest girl. The longest in ... well a very long time.
Made it through the snow, ice, wind and rain with no accidents and no illnesses and no broken pipes!
Made it south and back for the BIG medical appointment despite the terrible weather.
Have a new plan for the headaches, and so far it isn't as rough as suggested.
The new Doc. seems to be stellar .. beyond stellar, really. And I just found her name on Facebook and it is sad to say that my neurologist is a hottie .... I might have a girl crush.
Middle girl seems to be working through some things and I am very proud of her.
School will start in a week.
God continues to provide for us, even when we aren't sure we are going to make it.
I sent out Christmas cards - complete with family photo's - for the first time in YEARS. I even managed to come up with a semi-okay letter ... not to braggy, nor too sad.
Was able to spend Christmas with the whole available family, and it was nice.
Youngest brother is heading off to rehab, a big step - am praying for him.
I am thrilled to be connected with a number of school chums ... I am also addicted to Facebook, I might need an intervention!
Good friends who keep checking in to make sure I am alive.
Skype rocks
Food on the table, heads in bed, heat to warm us, books to read, love surrounds.

I am hoping to be thankful for sleep tonight .. the new meds seem to have an insomniac effect.

Peace,
Nettie

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.
Psalm 68:19

Jesus is the reason for the season.

We know that, right?
As good Christians we know to teach our children that it isn't about the lights, the tree, the tinsel and it is absolutely not about the presents.
I think I have done a fair job of talking to my kids, of showing them that Jesus is the reason for the season. However, up until now I have also allowed the myth of Santa to live on in our home. Trying not to play too much into it, but also ensuring that the older ones understand that once they had *forgotten* Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. Mostly this is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year is a different story. This Santa is running on empty. Not spiritually, absolutely not. Although I am not into the Christmas Cheer as some ... but I am into Christ my saviour. However, we are in a tough financial crunch this year. Unlike any other year. Not just Santa runnin' lean, but rather Santa is broke as in not.able.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke.
What does a parent do at this point? Do I break down and tell my sweet angels that there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives? No need for the special plate with milk and cookies ... not Rudolph won't be here for his carrots ...
Do I pretend that Santa missed our little house and perhaps is running behind? (Maybe January will be a better month - Please Lord!)
We really have tried to keep Christ in Christmas - continuously telling our children who He is and what He means to us .... but still there are always a few special Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am so unsure of what to do. I am takin' it to the Father. Asking for His guidance.
But, my heart is broken. I just didn't expect that times would get leaner as I got older - heck I am almost in my 4th decade ... have I not paid my dues? I worked in fast food for cryin' out loud ... all joking aside, I feel at a loss. And I know I am not the only one.
I have so much to be grateful for - I know. And this isn't about me ... this is about those sweet angel faces.
Lord give me strength and wisdom.
Guide me on the path you wish for me.
Help me to show my children that Jesus is the reason for the season. The only reason.

Nettie

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Time marches on

Regardless of how many times you press the snooze button, you still must get up and face the day.



In some manner.



Lately, I have simply facing life. Attempting something that looks like participation but doesn't quite equal it.



The loss of my brother is still so close to the vest that, most days, I feel as if I can't breathe for the underlying grief. And yet, I don't feel worthy of this grief. I halted the relationship. I abandoned him. I let go and never turned back.



I had reason ... but now they don't feel as if they were important enough. They don't feel as if the punishment matched the crime. How could I just stand so firm - and the ultimate question is; how could I do so and claim myself a Christian. A follower of Christ, the almighty forgiver of everything?



Who do I think I am?



For more than two months I have been asking myself that question. Am I a fraud? How can I be forgiven when I can not forgive? Who am I to say Love All when I can't love one?

Who am I to be heartbroken, when I brought the heartbreak on? And what am I doing to change things? What am I doing to be a better follower of Christ?

I am taking steps. They are small, tentative, steps that don't really feel as if they are amounting to anything ... and yet, I know that God is showing me a path. If you knew me well, you would know that I often say 'this isn't the path I would have chosen, but .... ' I am aware that it IS the path the He has chosen for me ... whether I can understand it or not.

There is sunshine in this life. It glimmers through the cracks when I chose to look for it. I am trying to chose the sunshine. But right now, the fog is heavy.

Nettie

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26

Loss

It has been a month and still I can't find the words.

One month ago today, we said goodbye to my little brother. The one I fought with, cried with, hugged with ... and ultimately severed all ties with.

I never guess that it would be forever. I really thought that there would be a day that we would reconnect and have the relationship we were meant to have.

I loved him. That never stopped. I just couldn't live with his decisions, his actions, his ultimate anger.

He had reason to be angry ... but it didn't make it an acceptable presence in our lives.

Had I known of his ultimate pain ... the pain that would cause him to take his own life ... would I have done things differently? Like in the movies ... I could rush in at the last minute and show him that life, even with extreme pain, is worth living. But this isn't the movies. It is real life. Real pain. Real endings. Real loss.

Loss that leaves behind so many unanswered questions. So much blame and destruction.

I pray that he is at peace. That the hand of our Lord is upon him. I pray that I will see him in heaven ... as the brother that I loved, laughed and lived with.

I pray that my parents will find strength in Christ. That his children will not blame themselves. That wounded relationships can be healed.

One month later ... I just pray.

Nettie

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

school daze

And so the school year began.

I have to admit that it seemed a little bit anticlimactic this year, all that preparation and then WHAM - we're there and the FIRST DAY is over.

I also have to admit that I love shopping for school supplies. Maybe it is my days of working in an office supply store, maybe it is the fact that I didn't have any say so when it was my turn (way back in the day), maybe it is because there are sooo many cool choices ... or maybe I am just strange.

I wonder if anyone else, over age 12, gets the incredible craving for Cool Pens and notebooks when summers end nears. Fortunately, I still have children under the age of 12, so I can live vicariously through them ...

This year my list is vast - with a child in each level of school (pre, elementary, middle and high school), my options for cool and funky is pretty limitless! Of course we have to start with Crayons and Colored Pencils - it does NOT matter that we already have an abundant supply lurking around the house, we all (ahem, I mean the kids) need NEW shiny tools for the first day of school.

Then we move into Folders, which of course I still call a Pee Chee making me totally uncool with my kids ... moving on to glue, scissors, sharpeners, erasers, uber cool Highlighters, the must have Binder and my all time FAVORITE post-it-notes - my favs coming from LeSportsac.

I will admit an affinity towards Lisa Frank and fun and fancy sticky notes - but really, does everything have be to be sold in multi-packs costing $10 - $12 - for sticky note? It's a bit much, isn't it?

Ah well, I skimped and bought the Rose Art Crayons, so I can afford a few cute sticky notes ... and cool pens, don't forget the cool pens.

I just don't know how I am going to sneak them away from the kids.

Nettie

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. ~Bill Dodds

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

Wait and weight

A few months ago I went through a plethora of tests ... the *oscopies* I like to call them. I had 'em all. Oh the joy.
But I survived and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I don't handle the anaesthetics well, mostly because it takes so much to get me under, that I have a hard time comin' back around ... but all in all, I lived.
The worst part ... the waiting. I loathe the waiting. In fact, I am STILL WAITING. I had most of my test prior to school getting out (mid June) and yet I don't have an official appointment until next week. Does that seem odd?
I guess not when it comes to GI doctors, at least that is what I have been told. And ... well, I have nothing else to go on.
So, next week I find out something - I hope, I pray. I would love some answers.

and the WEIGHT. Hmmmm. Well, as if February I had lost over 100 pounds. Woohoo. It took me two solid years, but I did it. I maintained and lost the entire time, never gaining more than a pound or two for more than a few days.

Until this summer. Which is typical. For me at least. Somehow I seem to be opposite of most people. I tend to gain weight in the summer and lose it in the winter. I think it is because the kids are home and I get out of routine. This summer has been more festive than last ... more weddings, more parties; which means more food. And for me, less exercise.

So, this summer I have gain 6 pounds. Urgh. Urgh. Urgh. I know it doesn't sound like much, but for someone who gains weight so easily and has always been heavy - 6 can equal 20 or more before I know it. It has happened too many times before and I am afraid. I call it a healthy fear of regaining. But it is fear - plain and simple. I have just been through it too many times and I do not want to go back to that place. That heavy place.

But ... please, oh please, oh please ... I am hopeful that I will be able to get back on track and lose those 6 pounds (and the last 5 I wanted to lose before that) when school starts and my *routine* resumes.

Well, I can hope.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~ Christopher Reeve

Nettie

"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."
Genesis 8:22

The days, they are a flyin' by.

How is it possibly mid-August?

How is it possible that summer is almost over? I am not done yet, there are too many things left to do. Too many places I want to go ... to take the kids. To explore.

How does it happen? Every single summer.

What have we done this summer?

We planted a beautiful garden.
Watched wonderful friends get married.
Attended various camps and youth activities.
Read A LOT!
Enjoyed the company of good friends. A LOT - but never enough.
Said good-bye to too many friends.
Saw whales in the ocean.
Watch DD2 perform magically in her second play.
Opened our home to some beautiful orphaned girls and were richly blessed.
Cooked more food than any family ought to.
Got more involved in our lovely church.
Catered a few great events.
Had the pleasure of hosting loved ones in our neck of the woods.

I guess we didn't do too badly ... especially since Ma and Pa still had to work through most of the summer.

Stlll ... I wish we had a little more time ...

"Dining with one's friends and beloved family is certainly one of life's primal and most innocent delights, one that is both soul-satisfying and eternal." - Julia Child

~ Nettie

When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Isaiah 8:19

Left behind

We have been left behind, and yet we are still included.


Daily messages are received and I am willing to bet, hoping even, that we - like they - are included in daily prayers. In fact, I am counting on it.


I can't suppress the glee that I feel when I open my email to find a message from theHplace. I know that they are okay, but yet I find great solace in the daily acknowledgement of that fact.


It is odd though, I want them to be healthy, safe, and happy - and yet at the same time my heart tugs when I realize that they are having fun with us. I feel so selfish in this. I know that I don't mean it in my heart ... but yet, there it is.


I am fortunate though. Unlike others, I have many ties that bind. I am taking care of important matters that are left behind when a family moves to a new Country. There are many. I had no idea. But I find great comfort in them.


This week we have slowed down a little. Our sweet visitors from Africa have long gone. DD2 has finished her marvelous drama production and my summer catering rush seems to have slowed. Not to worry though, I have now been taken over by the non-profit agency that I volunteer for.

DD1 is coming for a short visit next week ... it has been a long time since she has been here, so it should be interesting ... emotional ... strange. I don't know. Something indescribable.

Soul searching. That is what I am doing ... when do we stop that? When do we find the answer(s)?

Nettie

But the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs [Those who served as priests in Old Testament times.] as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, and it is founded on better promises.
Hebrews 8:6

Gaining 3 kids and a little perspective

This week I have the great pleasure of hosting three girls from Africa. These sweet girls come from the poorest of poor communities in Africa. The poverty and disease is overwhelming.

Today is Sunday - I started this post on Monday. The day after I got the girls. Already I felt as if I was gaining perspective - and yet, if I had completed the post it would have come no where close to what I have gained this week.

In perspective, humbleness, love, fear, and desire.

I have learned that I am capable of more love than I could ever imagine. I have also learned that, in some ways, I do not have as much patience as I would like.

I learned that sometimes I let pride get in the way.

I learned that fear can make you quit or egg you on. This week I let it egg me on and was richly rewarded.

I learned that letting go is hard, but when you do so with love, you will gain much.

I learned that I will never, ever get as much done as I would like to. And that no one will care.

I learned that words unspoken can hurt.

I learned that real love is a universal language. Love in a real hug feels so good.

I learned that I am furiously protective - not only of my own family but of those who need it most.

I learned that it is okay to say no, even if it doesn't feel good or make others happy.

I learned so much more in a week than I can ever put in to words. I learned that my story is evolving and it might just be a good one.

What did you learn this week?

Nettie

Letting go

Letting go ...

This year, well the last two years actually, has been a time of letting go.

For me, my friends and my entire family.

One of my best and dearest friends, and her family, hopped on a jet plane this week heading to China for an indiscernible amount of time. It could be three years, it could be ten. They don't know. They are following the Lord's calling and I am, of course, incredibly proud of them and their journey for Him.

But today, I am grieving. I can not explain what this family has meant to me. Or the hopes that I had for our friendship future ... multi family vacations, holidays celebrated together, long evening chats, wine in plastic tumblers, confessions of the soul ... so many plans in my mind. Not to be realized.

Of course it is for the greater good ...

As it has been for the ones before them.

In the past two years a large handful of our friends, and a few relatives, have either moved out of State or out of Country. This has been hard on my people (as I call the immediate family). It has brought on many tears, caused a multitude of conversations about what moving means and required us to appreciate each lovely moment for what it is.

We understand better now that we are the unit. Additions to our unit will come and go, but we - we must stick together and support one another above all. We have also learned that Church isn't about the people - they are a terrific addition - but about Him - ALONE. We can love those in our lives, the ones that come for a season, but we must put Him, the one that will never leave us or forsake us, above all.

But today ... we'll stll grieve a little. Tomorrow we'll live.

Thank you Jesus.

Sometime I hear a sermon on Sunday morning and seem to have forgotten it, and its intent, by the time I leave the parking lot.



Other times, it sticks with me - like a dull ache that won't stop, like a shadow ... I can't quite see it, but I know it's there, following me, nagging me. Making me think.



Last week I heard a sermon, a message, from the man who would be our new Pastor. It has been a long road for our small congregation but we (an by we I certainly mean the Elders and Pastoral search committee) have waited and been faithful to His call above all else. I am absolutely certain that this has paid off. We have an excellent fit.



I digress.


The message was simple; it is not comfortable to follow Christ.

I posted briefly about this nearly two weeks ago, but I was only skimming the surface.

I thought I had been uncomfortable, and in my defense - in my own life I have been ... more than I imagined I could be. Poor health, unreliable finances, broken down cars, marital disharmony, children with attitudes ... and things that I can not bring myself to say out loud much less write. I feel uncomfortable.

I feel lost. Like I am disappearing - not my earthly body but my spirit. The ME that I thought I was ... I guess I am just unsure of my identity. Which is rough to accept. I thought that by some magical age (when is that?) I would understand things .. things would be come easier. I never thought they would be easy, just easier.

They aren't.

Throw into that mix trying to live for Christ. That has been harder than I ever imagined. While the rewards and blessings have been bountiful, the losses have been great.

And I digress again. It is so easy to do.

I could go on and on about the discomforts of my life, but really I am just a selfish, sinful person. What exactly am I sacrificing by loving the Lord? Friends who likely weren't friends in the first place, a discomfort in my marriage - which makes my husband think and requires me to give him more grace than I normally would, a necessity to more accurately discern the cause and effects of my thoughts and deeds? Hmmm, pretty rough stuff.

WHO am I to complain?

I do not suffer persecution for loving the Lord. I can raise my hands high in worship and only worry about others seeing my saggy underarms - I have no fear of arrest or death for my proclamation that God is alive and will return. I am not only able, but called to deliver the Gospel’s message.

And on the other side, I do not go to bed hungry at night (unless it is of my own choosing), but rather I clean out the refrigerator of any leftovers to throw away - or compost - on garbage day. My children have clean drinking water and a (mostly) free education. They are all healthy and have been immunized against any deadly - or uncomfortable - diseases. Our heat is on in the winter and we are never without clothing, in fact we regularly recycle ours with nary a threadbare piece.

We have an incredibly loving and accepting church family who rallies around us in prayer and guidance in times of need.

We have so much, and yet still we yearn for more. And yet, I still manage to feel lost in this world - so uncertain about myself and where I fit in. Does that really even matter?

Getting uncomfortable

You know, sometimes following Christ can be uncomfortable.

While you may feel the internal glow of His love, you are still vulnerable to the external sting of societies view of your path.

I thought when I accepted Christ, confessed my sins and GAVE MY LIFE to Him, things would be smooth. Sunshine and roses anyone? Ummm not so much. Or not at all. At least not the way I had planned or thought or desired.

The more time that passes, the more I know I NEED to be uncomfortable. He needs me to be uncomfortable. When I am comfortable I often forget to seek Him. I do not put Him first. You can bet when I am uncomfortable or scared I cry out - I seek Him with all that I have.

I haven't blogged here since December. I can not begin to express the level of discomfort I have have felt over seven months.

Time to stop. Time to turn to Him first, every day all day. all the time.