CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

Monday, April 6, 2009

Age and hovering

I am close to reaching a milestone. You know, one of those that seemed soooo old when you were a kid. One you couldn't really imagine reaching ... but being quite certain that when you did life would be grand ... or complete, or easy, or maybe predictable.

hmmmm .... here is what I have learned - NOT SO MUCH.

It isn't all that different now than it was, say, twenty years ago. The happiness comes in a different package, with a slightly more colorful bow. The sorrows may reach a bit farther down to your soul, and the tears may flow a little more freely. But mostly, things are similar.

I think I have mentioned before that I never quite felt like I *fit in* as a kid. Or a teen ... and then imagine my dismay when I didn't quite measure up (in my mind) as a adult.

I vividly recall being the girl from the trailer park. My clothes NEVER really came from the right place. And even when I could talk my way into some designer duds (anyone remember A. Smile overalls/jeans?!?), they just didn't seem to fit me the way they fit everyone else.

I attempted the hair cuts (Dorothy Hamill Wedge, Farrah Fawcett Feathered Shag, Cyndi Lauper shaved side, multi colored do) ... well, I'll just say it wasn't pretty! I tried to be funny, witty, sarcastic, tough ... but I was never quick enough to succeed at these. I wasn't exceptionally (or moderately) bright. I wasn't pretty, nor was I ugly. I was average.

And so I hovered. In the middle of things. Not quite fitting into to any one group. I wasn't comfortable enough to hang out with the popular crowd, yet I wasn't bad enough to hang out with the rebels. I am sure there were a lot of us hovering in the middle ... but we didn't seem to find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Funny, this hovering as a child and teen was sort of the pre cursor to my hovering in my search for Christ ... I sort of sat on the fence, waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was worthy of His love -- crazy, huh? It took a long time to discover that I was enough. Just the way I was.

Perhaps if I had known as a child, a teen, a young adult, that I was enough I would have hovered less and enjoyed more. I would have made friends and memories.

I had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with a number of the people that I grew up with. I say that lightly ... I grew up around them. Watching them. Wondering how to be like them. To have it so together.

I must confess that I was incredibly nervous for this event. Where would I possibly fit in? Surely they are all far more successful than I. They must have it more together than I do. They must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then.

I skipped my 20 year reunion, because I was simply too anxious about all of these things. Knowing that I would go and still be the girl from the trailer park. It was too much for me.

So ... I went into the night bolstering myself with a false confidence ... but it was enough. I knew that it was one night and if I still didn't fit it ... what did it really matter? Don't I have the one on my side that really matters.

Here's what I learned ... I still hover.

I hovered between two tables.
Those who know me as I am today, who came to a party that they weren't really a part of, who encouraged me to just go over and talk, even though it meant leaving them to fend for themselves.
And those who knew me when. Who seemed interested in what I had to say, who readily admitted that they didn't have it all together, who only vaguely mentioned the trailer park, and who seemed to accept me as I am.

At each table, I was enough.

and it felt good.

Nettie

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6

1 comments:

Bean said...

Annette, you are such an amazing girl! You are so gifted in your ability to convey and articulate such raw emotion. Your words provide such an accurate description of what it was like - I had tears in my eyes because I too remember those roller coaster emotions. You are truly amazing... you always have been!