Melonchaoly days

The date is looming. You know, the big milestone I referred to earlier.



My mind is filled with random musings ... I can't quite think straight ... yet there are things I want to say.



I don't really mind getting older. It is, after all, just a number. I feel younger now than I did ten years ago. I know I look better. I know I smarter. I know I am happier. Those things won't change - much :)



What I do mind ... the loss ...

The loss of time. The loss of experience(s). Things I can't re-do or undo. Honestly, I am sad because I just want to slow things down for a bit. I want to relish more. Yet, I know that time will continue to speed by and I will be at a loss to do anything differently.



I never made it a secret that I wanted more children .. I know, I know, I have 4 .. surely that is enough. I know it is and He has blessed me so much with my lovely girls. And yet, I feel the ache. It echo's through my soul and engulfs my every thought. It is silly ... I had such a difficult time - every time. But I can't shake the ache.



I think I am also conflicted because life just isn't what I thought it would be ... but I don't know what I really thought it would be. I had ideas of what should happen, but I didn't have a clear path of how to get there. And maybe that is part of it ... I have just sort of let life happen.



Is that a bad thing? Things that I never dreamt would happen have blessed my life, if I had known, would I have messed it up?

Fears have certainly been realized - bigger than I could have imagined ... had I known, what could I have done differently? Would I do with out these experiences?

Regrets have plagued me. Will always plague me. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's in life



I regret that I didn't take more time with people. That I didn't talk to strangers. That I didn't say I'm Sorry more. That I didn't sit quietly. That I looked forward and not around. That I didn't take more chances. Laughed more. Cried more.

Here I sit rambling ... so much I want to say, and yet the words escape me.

Perhaps I shall just try embrace the day, the milestones and stop wallowing in the "small stuff" ... let the trumpets sound.

Nettie

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. — 1 Corinthians 15:51-53