Or ... some days are just harder than others.
My oldest baby started high school this week. I never dreamed that I would not be there to share it with her. Even as it is happening, I keep thinking something will change ... something will heal this fragile relationship that we have. Most days I am OK; I accept the fact that she is safe and well taken care ... just because it isn't the plan that I would have chosen doesn't make it wrong - right? But days like this ... it feels so wrong. I should be there to greet her and hear about all of the exciting details. I should be able to calm the fears that she might have and help her celebrate her victories.
Instead, I know nothing of either.
We talk now. It is a polite dance that we do with one another. I am keenly aware that neither of us actually knows the other any more. Perhaps that is what tugs the most. How is that possible? That I don't know my baby? The one I carried in my womb for nine months (and two extra weeks!) ... the child whose body I cradled through her first shots, booboo's and delights.
I try not to doubt His purpose in this plan ... she, my girl, is destined for great things - I know it. It is myself I doubt. The words choke in my throat when I see her and all I want to do is grab her and make her understand how very much I love her. I want her to see my heart -- to know, that no matter what has happened I only ever wanted what was best. I absolutely made mistakes along the path, but I really, truly, never stopped thinking about how I could better her life.
I still haven't. But I don't think she knows that. Believes that.
I will be sad on this page ... only. When I hit publish, I will buck up and try to remain strong. I know that this is what God wants of me. I know that this is what she, ultimately, needs of me. As do my other babies. My husband. My friends. They need me to be strong -- and I will try.
Give me strength Oh Lord. Hold me close ... I continue to commit myself to You! Praise you ...
Nettie
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
Psalm 119:28-32
Friday, September 7, 2007
Pulling at my heart strings, oh Lord.
Posted by Nettie at 11:36 AM
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1 comments:
Girl, if words could wrap themselves around you and give you the biggest hug-- that is what I would want my words to do.
I am sorry you are hurting.
And you are right --you don't have to be strong here.
Here you let it out and we will tell you that we love you and we hear your heart.
I have seen your heart for your husband and your church--it is big.
I have a dear friend who has been through what you are going through.
Her son is now 21 and God is starting to mend and rebuild the bridge between them.
You prayed so long and hard for your dear husband and look what happened. Our God is the way maker.
I thank God that your daughter will one day see her Mom not for who she was--but for the woman of God that she is. She will see the strong, steadfast loving woman God is making you. One day she will need that and you will be there with open arms. And then God will mend the breach in the wall.
Keep loving and you keep your eyes on the face of God girl--He approves of you. :)
I will pray.
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