Back on the saddle. My testimony - Part 4.

Things have been quite hectic here ... really that is not new or different in any way, it just means that I am not as good at multitasking with this blog thing as I thought I could be ...

and so, we left off here:

Then my life really started to unravel ...

I guess I can start by saying – again – I have been an average gal. So, like the average couple … that starts dating and living together too young and has children without really talking about what that means … NFH and I just couldn’t keep it together.

We tried. We sought counseling, we had many (many, many, many) heart to heart talks about where we were failing as a couple. But ultimately, we had different ideas about life and an inability to work together on the future.

Sadness. Relief. Fear. Confusion. Nervous excitement. Release. Deep grief. Panic.
Those are just a few of the feelings that ran through my brain. That life was all I had ever really known. How do you move on from there?

As much as I knew it was the right thing, it was so hard to let go of that past … the familiar. There is a saying; it is better to dance with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. My take - it is a lot easier to stay in a situation that is uncomfortable than it is to move on to the unknown uncomfortableness …

So there I was; a single mom, two kids, a career gal, living in a tiny apartment ... trying to figure out what I would do with the rest of my life.

Wouldn’t this have been the perfect time to delve more deeply into my quest for God, religion, and the feeling I had been searching for? Absolutely. Did I? Not so much. The kids and I continued to attend church sporadically, trying to get connected, but never really doing so.
I won’t make this a long story, this part is too much about other people (not the story I want to tell here), so I will just fast forward to … I met my current husband, we got married, I got a new (better) job, we bought a house, I felt closer to my children – felt like a much better wife/mother/friend/person.

Hubby and I agreed that religion was an important aspect for the children – and us. He though, was raised similarly to my parents and was a little gun shy at actually getting involved … but he did to a certain extent.

We test drove a few local churches, but ultimately ended up back at the big box church. We settled in there, contributed our money, attended various meetings, but still didn’t get connected.

Enter a new baby.

It was almost like an instant replay ... someone, seemingly concerned, let me know that there was a family room that new baby and I could sit in and enjoy the message via shoddy microphone and tiny television screen. Now new baby was not making any noise, she was much quieter than DD2 and really mostly slept throughout the service. But I was told multiple times, throughout the same service, about the family room. I am sure that the thought was; this was for my comfort - but I didn't feel comforted, I felt banished.

My question then, and now, how do I teach my children to behave in church (or even public) if I don’t let them go to church?

Hubby was a little turned off by this as well, but we kept going.

For a while. Off and on.

Enter new baby 2.

Something about having babies makes you think more about the future.

And then issues with DD1 started and we knew that we must attend church – regularly. Our blended family needed this.

And so we did. We took the kids to the church. They went off to their fun classes and Hubby and I sat in the family room, trying to get the message.

This leads me back to My Testimony - Part 1 ... before I decided I should back up and give you some history ... so here goes; this is the testimony (give or take a few details, names, etc.) that I shared with my church when I became baptized:

Following many events that lead DD1 to go live with her father, a mother of one of my daughter’s friends asked me if I would like to join a woman’s Bible study group. This was an extremely emotional time in my life and her call came just in time.

I started going to this woman’s group and felt so out of place, these were woman who clearly knew the Bible, knew the Lord and had personal relationships with Him. From the outside, the all seemed so together – it didn’t take long for them to dispel that myth!

I began to feel at home with them and looked forward to my Bible study nights. However, I continued to search for the feeling, I wanted what they had - it just wasn’t coming, I prayed with my new friends, I gained some understanding of the Bible, but I was just not feeling it.

During this time, my relationship with DD1 deteriorated, we didn’t speak to one another for a few months; life at home grew worse as my depression grew worse and worse. I was in such constant inner turmoil that my job became affected as well.

Shortly thereafter my depression was so deep that it was determined that I could no longer work (by me, my counselor and my husband - and to the releif of my employer, I am sure). I quit my job and began staying at home with my children. I thought this would help, it didn’t! Things got worse, I could hardly leave the house, I cried all the time, and I had many thoughts of suicide. As my depression and anxiety grew, my Dr. prescribed a number of medications.

Then one morning I decided to attend the church that I had heard about; it was closer to my home and smaller than BBC. When I walked into the small church, I was immediately welcomed by so many people; I wasn’t sure how to take it all!

There were a couple of friends there, astonished to see me! And after the service hubby and I were introduced to many (many!) people – they really seemed to care that we were there and that others met us. I left feeling like this was the kind of church I would like to attend if I was “together “enough.

Though it was my intention, I didn’t return to TSC the next few weeks, DD2 just did not want to consider going to a church other than BBC. I asked the ladies in my woman’s group to pray for guidance and I know they did!

Because God stepped in.

On July 3rd, I lost my purse – through out the day I had taken all of the important things out of my purse – my keys, my wallet, my cell phone – so the only thing left in my purse was all of my medication for depression and anxiety. All of it! I never carried it all with me and don’t know why I had it all that day.

Since I was no longer employed and had no medical insurance, I could not refill my prescriptions. I just had to tough it out. I was a BASKET case! I had the shakes, I felt like my skin was crawling and I literally bit a whole in my lip trying to hold my tongue in dealing with my husband and kids.

On July 5th my DD1 came to the birthday party of NB1. She only stayed for an hour and a half or so, but if was obvious that she missed us. We didn’t talk much but there was a little ease in the air.

The following week she called to see if I would come and have lunch with her. It would take some doing, as she was living a ways away ... but we agreed on the July 15th.

On that day, everything went wrong; my baby sitter showed up late, I had to trade cars with my husband, traffic was terrible and I didn’t arrive for our “lunch” until almost 3pm.

DD1 and I had lunch, talked about nothing in particular and acknowledged that we missed one another. We hung out for 3 whole hours, more than we had in months. It was awkward and nice .. a good step.

On my way home the car only got FM radio – it was Rap or the local Christian station, I chose the latter.

While driving, I heard the emotional story of Tammy Trent – something inside me just started to break, I began crying about 70 miles from home and did not stop the ENTIRE WAY home.

But for once – it was a good cry. I FELT THE FEELING! I felt as if something was washing over me …

When I finally reached home, I could hardly speak - Hubby was certain something had gone terribly wrong w/DD1, and I just couldn't explain the feeling to him. So, I called my neighbor, intending to casually fill her in on the lunch, but instead when I got on the phone with her all I could say is “will you pray with me?”

She ran to my house in seconds! She gave it to me straight, telling me that I knew what to do! I needed to stop wallowing in my depression, be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter to our Father and live in His Word!

Hurumph! Weeks before I would not have accepted those words form her, I would have been angry, but on that day it was exactly what I needed!

On Sunday, July 17th, I walked in to TSC, alone and terrified. I think I knew inside that I had to make a change – I just had no idea what the next step was.

I took NB1 & 2 to the nursery, something I hadn’t ever done before (at BBC) and I sat in the back ... the waaayyyy back.

As the gentleman (I'll call him Father Figure, was filling in for the regular Pastor that day) lead the service, I cried through the entire thing!

The entire service was filled with testimonials of those that had seen the Lord working in their lives. At the end of the service, FF said that he wasn’t going to close in song, as usual; instead he was going to sit up front because he knew that “someone” needed to speak to him.

Well, it wasn’t going to be me – no way! I stood at the back and waited, knowing that “someone” would certainly go up and talk to him and I could go home.

It didn’t happen and as I stood there, something pulled me to FF and before I knew it I was sobbing and trying to talk to him. At some point his wife (Mother Figure) joined him and FF asked me if I had ever accepted Christ, I had not … all he had to say was “you want to, don’t you?” I could only nod.

FF and MF prayed with me, what I know know was the Believers Prayer, and again, the feeling was there. It was amazing and scary all at the same time.

After speaking with them, they found my friend my good friend A for me and told her what had happened. She told me that she had tried all day on the 15th to reach of me and when she couldn’t she started praying for me ... at exactly the same time that I was listening to the Tammy Trent story. Spooky!

A invited me and the girls to sit with her family, as the church was having an all church BBQ – she shared her blanket and her food and my children ran from blanket to blanket and people who had never met them before shared their food and hugged my kids. They had such a great time! It was sooo wonderful to see them so happy!

When I picked up DD2 later that day, I sortof filled her in on the days events and about this new small church - and do you know what she said? She said; 'Mama, if you think this is where we should be, then I'll go.' My child, so reluctant to change, understood that this was where we needed to be.

Now I would LOVE to say that is has been all smooth sailing since then ... but it just isn't true. When I first told my neighbor that I had accepted Christ as My Savior, she said; 'Now you know, you have just angered the Devil and he will seek out your soul again, making things difficult for you' ... she couldn't have been more right.

Satan has, many times, stepped up his plight in my life - sometimes he gets small successes, I become weak and question my faith - but all in all, I continue to put all of my FAITH in Him who sent his son, to suffer and die for My sins. Because my Father chose ME.

No, it isn't simple, this loving Jesus thing ... but if it was, would it be nearly as rewarding?

Nettie



“[Love] If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3